I have been away from blogging world for too long. I just don't know what to write about. A lot of things happened in the last two months and I could have written about it. I think this is just the wandering state of mind of mine. Coming to a point where fatigue, boredom, routine, husband and kids, work, all that meshed into speeding me along the aging highway.
Woke up at 5am this morning and read a few blogs to find that Dalilah Tamrin a.k.a. Raden Galoh passed away on the morning of 19 July. I have been a silent follower of her blog and was silently praying for her strength to perform her umrah, after her cancer had spread and she becoming weaker and weaker. She was 2 days away from her 43rd birthday. I am what I am. Watching babies being delivered on Discovery Home & Health and I get emotional and cry, particularly at that stage where I was going to be due in 3 weeks. Hearing about Dalilah, a stranger to me (although a friend to my primary schoolmate Yatt), makes me wonder how her last moments were. Makes me question my priorities in life. Makes me grateful for the life I have. I dunno. When Datin NSF, a colleague from office, was diagnosed with cancer, she immediately took leave and by now she would have exhausted her paid salary leave. From what I hear, her diagnosis is Stage 4 and despite her efforts (surgery and treatment), she had confided to a friend that her outlook is bleak.
Who cares at that point who you are in the organization? Who cares if you are handling some "important" projects, assignments and what have you? Who cares that you work your ass off till some ungodly hour? Certainly not this organization where I work. Please don't misunderstand, I do have colleagues who are ever so willing to help when times are difficult. But the organization moves on. The project of which Datin NSF and I are part of moves on. Sometimes, the way we work seems like there isn't anything else that is important except the work. Maybe it is just me and my perception of things in the company. I bet you I am not that far off.
Then about a month ago, a friend's mother passed away. Although I don't know her mom well, that was enough for me to evaluate my relationship with my own mother. My relationship with her has been....oh well.....just not typical of a mother-daughter relationship. I stay in Seremban as she does and I hardly visit her. My mother does not respect me as an individual and a grown-up daughter with a family. And that gets to me. Sometimes I look at other friends and their mothers and wonder why my mother is the way she is. And likewise, why I am the way I am. When Kerol's mother passed on, then I wonder why I continue to prolong this silence. Why I can't quickly make a call to Mak and just ask how she is. Why?
Life is like that. You make choices along the way that actually have long-term ramifications. What you eat today may lead to some disease in the future. Who knows. How you treat your mother may come back to you some day. Choosing to work may cause my kids to get attention from people who want to give them attention. And it has happened. But hey that can't be too bad, or so I try to comfort myself. I must admit, that the more I ponder on this, the more I think I should do something else with this life.
Still pondering. After the recent salary adjustment, it is becoming too hard to make this choice. Many have tried to advise, InaMus, Arlin, MasJoe, office colleagues, but until I face this music and make the choice, I am still there, working and trying to contribute in a meaningful way.
So much for not knowing what to write. I guess all I need is get myself seated in front of this computer and write away. Rather than browsing through E-Bay. But that is another story. Will have to find time to write about that....
