Shhhhh.....my eldest sister is getting married......

What a start to Monday.  I received a call from Kak Yang (3rd in the family) to inform me that my eldest sister, who will be turning 61 in June, is getting married to someone of her choice, this Saturday.  Apparently she is marrying this guy who used to be a teacher in TKC and later headmaster of a well-known day school here in Seremban, KGV.

I just got off the phone with both Kak Cik and Kak Yang and we were wondering, why on earth does she want to marry this 78 year old guy?  By the way, my mother is turning 78 this year!  To make matters interesting, his daughter is MrM's office colleague at Exxon.  And they all came to my house about two months ago, this guy Haji Ahmad, two daughters and my sister, to look for a house around my area to rent.

I did wonder why Kak Mong seemed beaming and happy looking that time she brought them here.  Now I know.  Obviously I didn't suspect anything then, since I never thought that my sister would re-marry after the death of Abg Kutar (Mokhtar) in 1998, a few weeks after he turned 50.  Apparently looking for the house to rent is not for his daughter, but for them to stay.

Well, they have been adults a long time and let's hope and pray that this is right, to me, right decision for my sister.  This is one helluva curve ball you threw us, Kak Mong!

Loss for Words

Aaaahhhh.....if only I can find the words to describe how I feel right now....express my insecurity, a feeling of restlessness, feeling that everything I do may be seen wrong in the eyes of peers, bosses, subordinates.....why?  I have worked long enough in this organization, 20 years next February, to come to a landing such as this?  Or could this be a landing similar to bouncing off a trampoline and find myself catapulted into deeper hole that defines my life for the next 11 years to retirement?  If I stay that long...

Or is it the case, as my friend Pyl and concerned colleagues pointed out, that I am a perfectionist living by impossible standards that defines my thinking whenever I steward, analyze, direct and drive this department called FRM?  How do I let go of this inner voice that tells me "oh have you considered all aspects of the issue at hand?  the analysis from FRM should be of a certain standard, not simple motherhood statements that any non-specialist can do?"

This has been going on since that fateful day where I felt I was made so small in the eyes of a new superior and any which way I rationalized and clarified, nothing I did was right to him.

Ups and downs in a career is normal, but I am handling the downside pretty badly.  This too shall pass, I try to assure myself, but right now this seems to be taking a very long time......

Jessie is A Mommy!

This little kitten that we took from Arlin Lani's home about a year ago gave birth secretly under our cabin store yesterday to four little ones that look so much like Blotchy, whom we presumed is the father to the brood.

Poor Jessie, just a little over one year old and having four little ones to call her own.  She left her kittens under the cabin store and Bibik had to crawl on all fours to get them out.  We are giving these away once they can be given away.  Except for the all white kitten that the kids want.  As if we do not have enough cats in the house.  Not to mention attracting all sorts of cats owned by someone else.  Not stray cats but cats owned by neighbours. 

Preggers at  less than a year, mother at 1 year plus, Jessie....

Becoming What I am Meant to Be - The Discovery 1

I remember one night at the dinner table at home when I was 12.  My late father asked me, what do I want to be when I grow up?  I was into writing at that time, and was very proud that my class teacher picked my English essay to be read in front of the class.  Mind you, during primary school I might as well not have existed.  I was not a prefect, and neither was I top of the class.  At least I was in the first class, 6 Yellow, but I paled in comparison to Aina Mariana (who went on the become Headgirl at TKC, best student and now a paediatrician in Seremban), Carol Tan, June Loh, and the whole lot of them that seemed to have it all to am impressionable 12 year old like me. And by that I meant brains, nice school bags, active in all sorts of activities etc.  Therefore, when Mrs Kong picked my essay titled "What I Will Do If I Had One Million Dollars" amongst those whom I thought would have written better essays than me, my little heart almost burst with pride.

Back to my late Abah's question.  Of course, without batting an eyelid, I told him that I wanted to be a writer.  My father frowned and said "but writers do not make money!! choose something else!"  Again just a year before that I wanted to become an astronaut.  As though that made money.  Although Dr SMS seems to be faring well after going to the moon and back.  So I told him, "errr.....a lawyer I shall be then Abah" and he seemed satisfied with the answer.  My father, for whatever reasons, hoped that his youngest daughter would reach her potential by being a professional, and in 1978, to him that would be a lawyer, an engineer or an accountant.

I never became a writer.  I certainly did not become an astronaut.  I thought I would have been good as a lawyer but I did not become one either.  At that tender age (perhaps not so tender) of 12, I thought my passion was writing.  I was inspired by that little recognition by my Year 6 class teacher who felt that I wrote a simple, straight-to-the point essay, in simple English and had it read to the class, including to the likes of Aina Mariana, Carol Tan, June Loh and all those I can't remember their names now.  Which lead me into thinking that I can be good at this.

Never in my aspirations anywhere, even after SPM, that I imagined to be a Risk Manager.  And to be a certified FRM. I love what I do in this organization and the satisfaction of contributing to a risk-based decision-making.

But......

I sometimes wonder if I had pursued what seemed like some passion to that 12 year old girl, what I could have become.  Would I be into journalism, report news, or would I even have my own book, by now, or would I become a notorious blogger? 

Passion.  Believe.  Pride.

Someone Owes Me Money

Submitted our Income Tax forms online last night, finally.  I took all four kids deductions, maximum deduction for books and sports equipment, computer purchases and guess what, the taxman owes me money to the tune a good RM4K!!! And MrM another RM1K!!!  I just want to see whether I will be receiving that RM4K check.  Whether they live true to what they claim. Hah!

Sometimes I wonder whether IRB have their records right.  Last year I received a letter from them that I owed them some RM2K plus and they have instructed the company where I work to deduct a monthly sum for I can't remember how many months.   I knew I owed them money, just didn't settle the tax payable at the point of tax filing.  Then there was another letter warning me if I did not make the payment of the same RM2K plus, then some action lah they will take on me.  I chose to ignore the 2nd letter.  Sure enough, the monthly deductions for CP38 ended last December and I am RM300 plus richer in 2010.  How laa to implement GST like this???

Elok polis trafik je. Hantar saman, cakap nombor kereta apa, kat mana, pukul berapa and memanglah sah kita tengah memecut masa tu.....

Overdose of television

This is an old entry prior to giving birth to Harith. 

Almost two and a half weeks out of office and I am on an overdose of TV programs. Now I wish for Curtis Stone of Take Home Chef to surprise me at the supermarket, pay for my groceries, and cook a special dinner for us. That is how much TV I have had these past few weeks.

I was watching Oprah at 1pm this afternoon and that was an unfortunate, sad turn of events for this mother who lost her 2 year old daughter whom she left in her car, forgot completely about her and went to work (she works as a teacher). This 2 year old was left for 8 hours in the heat of August in the US and died of a heat stroke. And she found out when another colleague called her to ask if she had left her daughter in the car. Then she remembered, and she ran and ran out of the school, barefoot, to find out what she knew would be inevitable for her daughter. Almost yanked her out of the car seat, carried her, running, shouting her name, and knowing deep inside that her daughter was gone forever.

Oh God! How would a mother be able to live through a tragedy such as this. Apparently it was the first day of school, a Monday, and her mind was just focusing on the things that needed to be done at work. And this routineof sending the kids to nursery is usually done by her husband but he had a dentist appointment and she was supposed to send the child instead.

The moral of the show today was the fact that as we try to be good mothers, we get overwhelmed with balancing work, family, kids, household needs, not to mention as a wife in a culture such as ours. Overwhelming and somehow in that process we lose focus. We live from one task to another (and there is no such thing as multitasking, by the way), we lose focus and we forget to slow down. Sometimes we forget to even breathe!

I am guilty of that many times, perhaps not in the same manner as the mother in Oprah. I am fortunate enough that MrM (and at the heat of the moment, he is reprimanding rather than reminding) reminds me all the time in his own way that we need to bring any of the kids quickly to the hospital or clinic depending on severity of their illnesses and not be able to go to work on that particular day. When Aliah was 5 and broke her arm while bouncing around on the bed, and the new maid did not know the pain that she went through, I felt guilty when Munirah called about her fall and I did not ask further about her fall. Only to be home at 7pm and she had cried herself to sleep because it was so painful. The guilt that I felt at that time for not asking further, for not seeing the urgency to go home and find out the exact nature of the fall is still there even as I write this.

I am guilty of thinking about work, and bringing work to the hospital even when Zarif was taken ill recently, and going through the work material while waiting to see the doctor, not focusing on his needs to be comforted. When I send them for swimming classes and they have swam the full lap and asked if I saw their feat, I was guilty of again of bringing work to the swimming pool and reviewing stuff while they are in class.

Working in this organization and in the position that I am now, I sometimes question my own priorities. It is not easy to balance all that, especially when work demands so much out of you. How ironic that I pride myself in good leadership at work but I do not demonstrate that leadership to my own kids. How ironic that I like to coach my team but I do not coach my own kids.

I am fortunate enough to have extra help in the form of maids and driver to help us manage all this. What I need to remind myself is that these extra help will never be able to replace me. The kids love having me around these past two weeks, even though to yell at them to do this and that, and even though there was not much energy left out of me to do a lot of things, but just being there. I must admit if I were to not work at all it will be a big adjustment for us, not just financially, but also for me to adjust being a full-time mother and just taking care of their needs. Two weeks have passed and I still rely on the maid to prepare meals. Two weeks have passed and I still rely on the maid(s) to get their school uniforms ready. Imagine if the maids are not around, I will lose that extra 10kg in no time!

Best Things in Life Comes in 10kg packages

Munirah, my eldest, applied for the Japan Homestay Program organized by Kelab Hiroshima Antarabangsa, through her school.  Both MrM and I agreed that this would be excellent in giving her exposure to a different culture and Munirah has always been interested in learning the Japanese language (although what motivated her to do so beats me).  The program runs twice a year, June and December, and we were aiming for the June program.  To secure a place, a refundable deposit of RM2K has to be paid to the club and during the recent school break, we took one day off to pay as well as take restless kids out for a day in KL.

While waiting for MrM and my eldest to pay the deposit and MrM to get answers from Mr Fadzil (the program coordinator from the club), I waited in the car with Harith.  And snapped photos and photos of him. 

Harith sleeps better these days and wakes up only once for milk around 4am.  The only problem I have now is I usually can't sleep anymore after that and makes me a sleepyhead right after lunch at the office!

Favourite moments such as these are so simple and ordinary, and nothing but a doting working mom trying to capture moments of this bundle of joy that we never thought we would have at this age.  Everytime I see these photos again, I feel happy and yet sad.  The happiness is obvious from just seeing Harith and at this phase where everything goes into his mouth.  If you see that other boy in the background, Adlan Zarif, then the sadness comes from the fact that Harith too will grow up and I am indecisive as to whether to find another career that gives me more time with him or to continue where I am now and suddenly find Harith a distant teenager who finds taking photos with Mama embarassing!

Becoming What I am Meant to Be - The Discovery

When I was about 9 years old, my brother MGB continued his education in the UK.  Many a times I sat at  the balcony of our home, I would look at the hills and always imagined that if I can get over those hills, I will get to England.  Oh yes, I was at the airport to send MGB off for the first time, but I was a dreamer and that imagination actually was a determination on my part to be as good as MGB and follow his foot steps to study abroad.

MGB graduated with First Class Honors in Electrical Engineering (I remember the telegram to my parents informing his achievement) and went on to pursue his PhD in the same field, I believe, and to most who know him, he is now known as DrG.

There was a time when MGB came back for holidays, I think I must have been 11 or 12, and he brought back a stack of vinyl records of UK bands of yesteryears and a record player.  If I mentioned Genesis, Wings (not the Awie kind), Carpenters....those were the ones I remember the most, you probably will say errrrrr.....who?  For the uninitiated, Wings was actually a band formed by Paul McCartney and his late wife Linda.  Genesis was actually Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel long before any of them became Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel as we know them now.

Most of  these albums would come with song lyrics and how I crooned to the tunes of Wings, Genesis and Carpenters.  My favourite from Wings was "Band on the Run".

Stuck inside these four walls, sent inside forever....
Never seeing no one, nice again.....
Like you....Mama, you....Mama, you......

My favourite Genesis album was "And the lamb lies down on Broadway" and "Nursery Cryme".  I sang to "Seven Stones" over and over and vowed that if I ever get to study abroad, I will join a rock band and fulfill my desire to perform to a live audience!  Here are the lyrics to Seven Stones....

Seven Stones

Tinker, alone within a storm
And losing hope he clears the leaves beneath a tree
Seven stones
Lay on the ground

Within the seventh house a friend was found
And the changes of no consequence
Will pick up the reins from nowhere

Sailors, in peril on the sea
Amongst the waves a rock looms nearer not yet seen
They see a gull
Flying by
The captain turns the boat and he asks not why
And the changes of no consequence
Will pick up the reins from nowhere

Despair that tires the world
Brings the old man laughter
The laughter of the world only grieves him, believes him
The old man's guide is chance

I heard the old man tell his tale:

Farmer, who knows not when to sow
Consults the old man clutching money in his hand
With a shrug
The old man smiled
Took the money, left the farmer wild
And the changes of no consequence
Will pick up the reins from nowhere

Despair that tires the world
Brings the old man laughter
The laughter of the world only grieves him, believes him
The old man's guide is chance

Heavy stuff, eh?

And finally the Carpenters.  I grew up with Desperado, Mr Postman, Only Yesterday....and the funny part was my eldest sister wanted to even try the Bintang RTM contest!  In retrospect, I wasn't sure she was serious but tell that to a 11 year old kid, I really believed in her.

I am digressing but there is a point to all this.

This post and a series of posts after this is meant as a self-assessment of my life experiences and how it has shaped what I am now or a reminder of what I used to be and dreamed.

I am not a good singer.   If I had to depend on my singing to feed the kids, my kids would starve!  England is not over the hills within the view of my parents' home in Paroi.  As a child, I didn't know I wasn't a good singer.  As a child, even though I knew England was not over those hills, I dreamed that England was because that seemed more achievable than taking a 13 hour flight to London.  Such is the naivete of youth.  To me the world then offered endless possibilities.  I was focused in the songs, not my lack of singing ability.  I was focused in thinking England is just a few hills away, not the ridiculousness of my dreams. 

Focus.  Endless possibilities.  Dream.