Overdose of television

This is an old entry prior to giving birth to Harith. 

Almost two and a half weeks out of office and I am on an overdose of TV programs. Now I wish for Curtis Stone of Take Home Chef to surprise me at the supermarket, pay for my groceries, and cook a special dinner for us. That is how much TV I have had these past few weeks.

I was watching Oprah at 1pm this afternoon and that was an unfortunate, sad turn of events for this mother who lost her 2 year old daughter whom she left in her car, forgot completely about her and went to work (she works as a teacher). This 2 year old was left for 8 hours in the heat of August in the US and died of a heat stroke. And she found out when another colleague called her to ask if she had left her daughter in the car. Then she remembered, and she ran and ran out of the school, barefoot, to find out what she knew would be inevitable for her daughter. Almost yanked her out of the car seat, carried her, running, shouting her name, and knowing deep inside that her daughter was gone forever.

Oh God! How would a mother be able to live through a tragedy such as this. Apparently it was the first day of school, a Monday, and her mind was just focusing on the things that needed to be done at work. And this routineof sending the kids to nursery is usually done by her husband but he had a dentist appointment and she was supposed to send the child instead.

The moral of the show today was the fact that as we try to be good mothers, we get overwhelmed with balancing work, family, kids, household needs, not to mention as a wife in a culture such as ours. Overwhelming and somehow in that process we lose focus. We live from one task to another (and there is no such thing as multitasking, by the way), we lose focus and we forget to slow down. Sometimes we forget to even breathe!

I am guilty of that many times, perhaps not in the same manner as the mother in Oprah. I am fortunate enough that MrM (and at the heat of the moment, he is reprimanding rather than reminding) reminds me all the time in his own way that we need to bring any of the kids quickly to the hospital or clinic depending on severity of their illnesses and not be able to go to work on that particular day. When Aliah was 5 and broke her arm while bouncing around on the bed, and the new maid did not know the pain that she went through, I felt guilty when Munirah called about her fall and I did not ask further about her fall. Only to be home at 7pm and she had cried herself to sleep because it was so painful. The guilt that I felt at that time for not asking further, for not seeing the urgency to go home and find out the exact nature of the fall is still there even as I write this.

I am guilty of thinking about work, and bringing work to the hospital even when Zarif was taken ill recently, and going through the work material while waiting to see the doctor, not focusing on his needs to be comforted. When I send them for swimming classes and they have swam the full lap and asked if I saw their feat, I was guilty of again of bringing work to the swimming pool and reviewing stuff while they are in class.

Working in this organization and in the position that I am now, I sometimes question my own priorities. It is not easy to balance all that, especially when work demands so much out of you. How ironic that I pride myself in good leadership at work but I do not demonstrate that leadership to my own kids. How ironic that I like to coach my team but I do not coach my own kids.

I am fortunate enough to have extra help in the form of maids and driver to help us manage all this. What I need to remind myself is that these extra help will never be able to replace me. The kids love having me around these past two weeks, even though to yell at them to do this and that, and even though there was not much energy left out of me to do a lot of things, but just being there. I must admit if I were to not work at all it will be a big adjustment for us, not just financially, but also for me to adjust being a full-time mother and just taking care of their needs. Two weeks have passed and I still rely on the maid to prepare meals. Two weeks have passed and I still rely on the maid(s) to get their school uniforms ready. Imagine if the maids are not around, I will lose that extra 10kg in no time!