More things to say as the due date approaches

Saturday was a flurry of activities. Munirah was to be picked up from her school at 10pm and we (MrM, myself, Zarif and Aliah) went to find a breakfast spot. Note breakfast spot. Zarif and Aliah wanted their usual roti telur at M&S (not Marks and Spencer), I wanted egg toast at Pak Tam Kopi Tiam, and MrM wanted just nasi lemak bungkus. I didn't want M&S because since they have been cost cutting, there weren't many choices for breakfast anymore. MrM and the kids didn't like Pak Tam because the service is lousy and food is expensive. We made our rounds and all these breakfast spots in Seremban were crowded. If there is one business that is not affected by this economic downturn, it is the restaurant or food serving business. We then decided to go to Pit Stop and even that one is full with people waiting for the nasi lemak to be wrapped. We gave up. In the end, MrM suggested Bumbu and that was where we had our breakfast. I had mee bandung special lagi....

Picked up Munirah, sent her back home to pack for her Math camp in Bangi, and both MrM and I were off to do the monthly dry groceries at nearby T*s*o. Itu pun crowded jugak since orang baru dapat gaji kot. Bought the usual stuff for the month, 2 packs of 10kg rice, cooking oil, lowfat milk for cereal, condensed milk, garbage bags, milo, nescafe.....blah...blah...blah.....and that was a total of RM600 plus.....that does not include diapers and baby formula....sigh! I hate doing dry groceries. It is becoming a chore. Masa pregnant ni bolehlah delegate to MrM, tapi dah beranak nanti dah tak ada excuse tak pergi menjalankan tugas.....another big sigh!

Lunch was simple, telur dadar and sambal ikan and sayur yang tak terusik semalam dipanaskan.

Then ingat nak terlentok tidur dah almost 2pm and promised the mother of Munirah's friend, Iman, to send them to Bangi at 2 something. Asked Munirah to get ready, printed out the directions to the college in UKM, asked Munirah if she has enough clothes for 3 days, blanket, slippers etc...yes, I am that kind of mother. Bukan nak tolong pack, tanya je anak tu dah ada tak barang keperluan secukupnya.

By 2:30pm we were out of the house, stopped by at Bukit Kepayang to pick up Iman and off to Bangi in the sweltering heat of Saturday afternoon.

Lucky MrM knew his way about in Bangi because if we were to rely on the map from the website we would have landed in God knows where. And there were ample signs by the camp organizer to lead us to Kolej Keris Mas of UKM. That wasn't too difficult. The two girls registered themselves, got themselves pillows and bedsheets, and we went to check out the dorm where they will be staying for 3 days. Alamak, teruknya tempat tinggal! I have forgotten that those days where we were in boarding school we used to live in even dire conditions, ha ha ha! At least they were sharing two to a room, as opposed to us dulu 10 to a room dengan almari sekangkang kera tu.....

Jangan salah sangka, itulah kenangan sekolah berasrama dan disitu jugaklah we learned to be independent, mandi pakai air satu baldi ataupun mandi kat tank air kat belakang bangunan akademik, disitulah kengkawan yg sampai sekarang masih lagi kengkawan and in some cases, kengkawan yg rapat, disitulah lessons about life began.....(like macamana nak ngelat kelas Physics, my worst subject, macamana nak mengamuk kalau makcik dapur bagi ayam kecik, macamana nak keluar town tak pakai uniform dan lain2 lagilah..:-)

Anyway, after showing the girls around i.e. how to go to class from the dorm, where to eat, who to ask what etc...both MrM and I left. Munirah seems so independent. Mulalah I emotional (walhal hantar 3 day camp aje) mengenangkan how fast time flies and in a few years she will be college bound. As a mother, I pray for this daughter of mine to be the best that she can be and that she will turn out all right. As I hugged her good-bye, I can only remember not so long ago holding her for the very first time on August 24th morning in 1994 and how alert she was, her eyes darting from left to right...and that mop of thick black hair and even the smell of her is still very clear in my memory.....

We thought of going to KL to see the condo MrM and I were contemplating to buy but I was dead tired. Balik ajelah. So balik rumah, I slept while MrM played soccer with Zarif, Aliah and Zarif's friend from school, Sheikh Zikri. By the tme I got up MrM was already in the room berpeluh2 and I decided to (no, no, no nothing of that sort) go to Pasar Malam with him and kids to buy our weekly navel oranges stock and vegetables since this week we are not going to the market.

The house seems so quiet without Munirah, or is it without Munirah to nag to....

So many things to say and yet so lazy

I have not been updating this blog for a few reasons. First is this lousy internet connection, second is just plain not in the mood to do anything, except one liner status updates in Facebook.

Today I am 33 weeks pregnant. 33 weeks. 33 weeks. The last check-up was a week ago today even though I am supposed to meet Dr Nik today i.e. 29th May. The reason was my state of breathlessness. Turns out this baby is in a complete breach position. Isn't that any wonder why I am breathless?

I have put on 14 kg by last week, and probably more by now. My urine is indicative of no pre-eclampsia and and BP is 100/60 or thereabouts. That I am thankful. There are a lot of things that I should be thankful of but sometimes when I am too tired, I tend to not be grateful and complain a lot. Baby is big for its weeks, according to Dr Nik. Many have commented that my belly is not big given my 33 weeks and I am beginning to get annoyed with these comments.

I think the baby has turned again, judging by his movements. As I write, baby Aslan (my preferred name at this stage) is very quiet but has been moving topsy turvy in my belly the entire day. He wakes up early, seems to sleep throughout the night (that we have to see) but sleeps late.

Dr Nik gave me MC for the entire week to rest and what do I do? On Monday I went to work on account that there were two important meetings Monday morning and lunch time. Tuesday I stayed home but could not really rest since too many work stuff in my mind. Wednesday and Thursday I went to this forum and I facilitated a break-out session on the 2nd day. And today, I went to work since I have not been in office for 3 days and another meeting that I dod not want to miss this afternoon. So much for rest. Right now, I am as sleepy as can be, managed to sleep in the car on the way back home but that was hardly what you call sleep. Despite the fact that I told MrM upfront that I want to sleep. A good night's sleep is stranger to me these days, simply because my back hurts and there is just no right position at this stage of pregnancy to sleep, that is (there is never a right position at this stage for anything else!)

There are just too many things going on at work than I can handle right now and it is really getting to me. I am at a career cross-roads, not that I have not indicated to senior management the path that I intend to take. It is just at this juncture, I feel so unsure of myself and whether I would be able to take on this new responsibility. I think for the first time in my worklife here in this organization, I feel this way. The challenge seems to me so enormous and the greatest would be managing people. Time and again I have emphasized that perhaps I have had it easy with FRM staff in that they are so supportive, capable, committed to getting to what I call "the touchdown" and quick in thinking. And that goes to other non FRM staff in GTD that I have had the privilege of working with over the years.

The leadership that I provide in this new environment would be critical, and it is a tough act of balancing motivating people, building capabilities and that you also mean business. This adaptive change coupled with the technical change is the things that fears me the most.

We shall see. Let's wait for June and see how things turn out before the eggs are hatched.

And by early July, yours truly will hatch and ya Allah, your humble servant prays for a normal healthy baby, courage, patience and speedy recovery post delivery.

I hate myself for thinking like this

Was telling MrM about some work related issues that I have with this person and he tells me that it is all my fault. Don't expect him to lend a sympathetic ear on this because it was all my fault for encouraging it.

I certainly didn't want to hear that from my husband. I certainly didn't want him to say it was my fault even if it was my fault. I don't think he really knows how I feel right now. This despair of having too much on my plate and not having any energy to deal with it physically and to a certain extent, mentally. MrM sees only the surface but prefers to not deal with my emotional state.

I woke up at 5:00am today because he wants to reach office by 7am. Of course by the end of the day, I was tired and sleepy. I told him that I wanted to sleep in the car on the way back. He doesn't remember any of the kids' schedules and kept asking what time Zarif's Math tuition ends. I told him 6:30pm since it starts at 5:00pm. Then he asked again, just when I am about to doze off. Of course, I get upset and told him 6:30pm and yes, the driver will pick him (Zarif) up. And he goes "you don't have to be annoyed with every question" and says"tell me how annoyed you will be if I get agry with every single question you ask"

What was that all about? I didn't ask to be tired. I just am. You don't have to carry extra 12kg on you. You don't feel the baby's head pressing against my bladder and making me want to pee when you hardly drank anything. And I have to walk around the floor to get to the toilet. You don't know my anxiety over the C-section again for the 4th time. You hate to listen to my work problems.

I don't ask for much. Much as I hate myself for being like this, he certainly didn't have to add further to my problems. Mother's Day is a retailers' gimmick he says but I would certainly appreciate some assurance from him that with the guilt that I have, the mistakes that I have made, that our kids will turn out ok.

That is why women are different from men. Because the reality is we suffer this alone. No one really knows. And no one bothers to know. My insecurities, my triumphs, my sadness, my regrets, my proud moments, my pride, my worries are all for me to know myself, swallow, and still remain sane. Not even your life partner of 17 years.

Breathless and backaches

Breathless is my state right now. Remember the movie "Breathless" starring Richard Gere and whoever that girl was? Not quite that kind of breathless, I am breathless because the state of my pregnancy right now. Breathlessness comes in the morning, after walking too long, or after meals.

Backaches come about after walking for too long and these days just cleaning and arranging MrM and my closet is enough to give me a backache, let alone walking. For lack of a comfortable sleeping position causes me to have backaches in the morning, sometimes to the point of immobility.

Both contributes to my fatigue not to mention the extra 12kg I am carrying around.

Ooohhh...the things that we mothers go through.....and more so at 42!

Feeling blue, Mother's Day and rantings

30 weeks preggers and I was just telling MrM this evening that I wish I can get this baby out now. First, is the fact that I am heavier now at 30 weeks than I was when I was 37 weeks with Aliah. My hips hurt and not to mention the dull backache that becomes more pronounced after a night's sleep. Sleeping on my right side strains my back. Second, this time around I have quite a bit of water retention on both feet and my betis look like "betis gajah". Not to mention the scratching scars I have and thank God for Betnovate cream that has healed all the scars. Third, this inactivity and getting easily tired is really getting to me...I worry about my health incessantly because I am eating all the wrong foods. Who wants to eat oatmeal or psyllium husk when you are pregnant? The lure of nasi lemak, masak lemak cili api, cendol, pisang goreng....all the forbidden food when I was dieting, especially coconut milk, is just too tempting to resist.

I know I seem to complain forever. I was just thinking to myself that since this would be my fourth and last pregnancy, I should savour every moment of it. The only part that I seem to relish is the feel of the baby moving inside me and the wonder and excitement in Munirah, Zarif and Aliah's eyes when they feel the baby kick. I look forward to every doctor's appointment and Dr Nik is so assuring, despite my feelings of negativity. He always seem happy with my progress and I do rely on that assurance from him and his experience. Apart from my over 2kg weight gain, everything else is clear.

We picked up the Peg-Perego stuff last Friday after the doctor's appointment. So we are all set except for the Brevi bath tub. Before that we went to the Curve, to buy newborn baby clothing, mostly onesies and body suits, remembering the convenience of having those when the first three were babies. Bought blankets, swaddle blanket, bottles, caps, socks....just to show you both of us are really out of touch with this, MrM himself was lost in deciding what baby bottles to buy. MrM the handyman around the house, who used to pick on me if the bottle is not sterilised fully, undecided on which bottles to get, believe it or not. We settled for Mothercare bottle pack of 4 with newborn teats. I figure I wasn't sure if I would have enough breast milk even though size of breast now indicates a lot of milk.....

That was enough to tire me and that wasn't a whole lot of shopping, I can tell you that much.

Mother's Day today all of us had lunch at my mother's. My mother expressed to me that her doa for me is to deliver safely and pray to live long enough for a bercukur jambul ceremony for what looks like her last grandson. You know about the ups and downs in my relationship with my mother. So that prayer means a lot to me. I felt that if I didn't make amends with my own mother, my delivery will prove to be a difficult one, both mentally and physically.

Therefore, today, Mother's Day, she wanted us to come over for lunch, so that I the pregnant daughter get to taste the ayam kampung masak lemak cili api that she has been saving for me. Those days when I was pregnant with Munirah, my mother was stil able to drive, cook herself and tend to a lot of things herself. I would crave my mother's nasi lemak, ikan baung with bacang and all that was cooked by her. Today, at 77, she relies on a wheelchair and only able to walk very short distances. One of her legs is not strong due to a recent fall. She is still a very strong-hearted person and if you hear her voice, she does not sound like how she looks. Cooking is done by the maid and the taste is not quite the same anymore.

That is my mother. Despite our differences, what is more important is accepting her as she is and tolerating all that she is as I am sure she does to me. And I should accept my children as they are and not subject them to not only my expectations but the world's expectations, the rat race to academic prowess, comparison to other children.

Aliah asked me earlier this week why her friend Nini gave her mother, Nora, the Mother's Day flower too early. I think that was on Tuesday. I told Aliah that perhaps she remembers and want to give her mom the flower that very day. I then told Aliah that it is quite all right if she does not give me a flower for as long as she remembers me in her heart. She wanted to give me the flower on that day, but decided not to. So yesterday when I asked her again why she has not given me the flower, she goes "because it is not yet Mother's Day laa Maaa...." Kids!

Zarif gave me a wooden box red in color with a little blue flower, the one that you could use to put pencils or pens in. Munirah bought me Famous Amos cookies during her school excursion to Putrajaya.

I rewarded myself with a Anya Hindmarch purse that was on sale at the boutique at KLCC. MrM says that this Mother's Day is just a retailer gimmick. True. A mother's day is the everyday things that a mother goes through in raising her kids, not just one day of remembrance.

In the meantime, MrM and his new toy.

So far, accessories have been the top cover for the truck's back space, bull bar for the front of the pickup and yesterday, tinting. MrM enjoys this kind of stuff and as long as it is not another woman, what's in a few thousand dollars.......rantings of a paranoid pregger wife.....

The supposedly 28 week check

Friday May 8th was my 28 weeks appointment with Dr. Nik. Both of us (MrM and I that is) were on Wesak replacement holiday by virtue that we are both in oil and gas companies. We had breakfast in Seremban and off we were to KL like any other work day and arrived GIMC at about 9am. As I entered the specialist clinic building, I was questioned whether I have been abroad recently and was tagged on my sleeves with a stick-on with 8-5-2009 written on it. I was worried, ada ke orang yg dah infected with the flu virus that they are taking such precautionary measure?

Upon registration off to 6th Floor where Dr Nik's clinic is and yeay! I was patient no 2! Dr Nik arrived 10 minutes later and MrM had noticed Dr Nik changed his hairstyle. When you are in your 60s and suddenly the hairstyle changes, makes me wonder what caused him to change it.

Dr Nik said I look tired and of course, needless to say the obvious Doctor, fatigue is my middle name now. Dah tak main tired2 ni. Urine is clear of protein and sugar and blood pressure is 102/60. Weight wise, I have put on additional 2.3kg. Doctor goes "he he ni semangat sikit ni" okay okay I catch your drift Dr Nik. And then he asked me if I am eating well? And he answered himself "you must be eating well if you are putting on that much weight..." Ha ha ha! Nasib baik you are my obgyn, kalau my husband dah lama I sensitive dah!

Baby is moving very actively even during the ultrasound. His position now is head down, back to the left of my belly and fingers in a tight fist....the thing is I thought I was 28 weeks, turns out I am actually 3 days short of 30 weeks! All this while, I thought my due date is 31 July but according to Dr Nik my due date according to first day of last period is a week earlier, 24 July. Which brings my 37 weeks early July. He advised me to consider having the C-section at 37 weeks because as I get heavier the previous C-section scars may not be able to withstand the weight of the baby.

Dr Nik went through the baby's internal organs with detail and all I remember is the heartbeat is normal....Dr was happy with my progress and at this stage the next appointment is 3 weeks away....

At this stage, I can't wait to have this baby delivered because I am tired most of the time and worry about my state of inactiveness. Yet at the same time, I am afraid of the C-section, particularly remembering my last C-section giving birth to Aliah and the fact that MrM was not around (he came in a bit later), spinal anaesthetic being a new experience for me (my legs were moving about still) and just being older makes you paranoid about everything.

I am glad that today is a holiday

What a hectic week this has been!

And MrM picked up his big toy (since I am no fun anymore with this huge belly of mine) yesterday night and we finally reached home close to 11pm. I had to drive the other car. To avoid the supposedly bad traffic on the KL-Seremban highway, we took the PutraJaya highway to Dengkil, Salak Tinggi, then through the back roads of Sepang-LBJ-Seremban. I was tired because one I was tired with the heavy duty meetings I had yesterday, second because I had to strain my eyes to see when driving at night, third as I texted MrM yesterday "I m the pregnant wife, no?".

Took a shower, read papers, then off to bed by 1 am.

MrM's new toy has the plate number NCF 363. We took Aliah and Zarif for a ride around S2 this morning. A new car is always full of ooohs.....aaaahhhhhs....both kids immediately wanted to go for bicycle rides today. Well, have to put the truck to good use, right?

As I write, MrM is still inspecting the car, doing whatever required to bring that car to his standard of cleanliness. I only hope he does not start thinking about more accessories to add on. You know how men are with cars or in this case, trucks!

I, on the other hand, am more interested in going for my 7 month check-up with Dr Nik on Friday 8 May next week. Baby is moving vigorously these days and I can see my belly at times just heavy on either the left or right side. I plan to take stock of all the baby stuff I still have today , get them washed again, make a list of to buy and buy them after the doctor's appointment. MrM has to pay all that this time. I am tired of thinking about financials. Paid for the Peg-Perego stuff, paid for the new car deposit and now the monthly payments and will be paying for the new maid!

I thought of cooking mee rebus this weekend....we'll see.

Last Sunday was MrM's birthday and I cooked nasi tomato, ayam masak merah and kari sayur (since I didn't have kacang dal). So depending on how I feel, this weekend could be mee rebus. As usual, the heart is willing but the body is not.