Babies make you go all soft inside

Pregger colleague Fifah gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on Monday 20 April 2009 via C-section at 9:11am weighing 3.1kg.

A few of us from office went to visit her at the hospital (and now I am enticed to go to the same hospital with the glass paneled operating theatre except my gynae is not attached to that hospital) and there she was, beaming post delivery and en route to recovery.

There was this rumour going around in the office that she is naming the baby Mohammad Raoul Gonzalez but she confirmed that the baby has yet to be named. (And now the baby boy has a name! Anas Abul Hisyam!)

The baby had all of us crooning over him....such is the miracle of life, one day still bouncing giving little kicks in the womb and the next day, he is there, pure, soft, smelling nice and most of all, bearer of all things positive in this world full of challenges to those who have lived it.

I thought I was done with having babies until this pregnancy. After all, my youngest will be turning 9 years old this December. Both MrM and I have always talked about just having a little one would be nice. It was just talk and I dismissed it as reminiscing those days when my kids were still babies or toddlers. In retrospect, those were the best of times. You felt that they needed you more, we had more time for them with less work responsibilities.

Now Munirah is 15 and questions me why I get angry with her most of the time. There was a time when even taking a bath she would want me to be there bathing with her. Now she locks herself in her room and does not even come down to greet me when I get home. Zarif still wants to be hugged and I know has a soft spot for his mom. Aliah, she still wants to tag along everywhere we go, and I don't know how long that will last. Where they used to enjoy playing with each other, now that they are older, they fight with each other most of the time.

It is indeed a trade-off. When my kids were babies, they needed more nurturing and TLC but now that they have grown-up, the nurturing and TLC is still needed but the type of nurturing and TLC is different. Teaching them values such as hard work, life skills,right from wrong, allowing them freedom within boundaries that is acceptable to you and not to them, balancing being strict and telling my kids I do love them despite my occasional outbursts becomes more prominent as they grow older.

How I miss those days when both MrM and I would just lie on the bed and tickle them to bits and we would be so happy just seeing them laugh. Especially with Munirah, our firstborn who seem so distant now at 15 and yet there are times when she confides in you or tells you with pride her achievements in school.

Which is why I feel having this baby and I am approaching 28 weeks now, despite the risks that shall remain until the baby is born safely into this world, is so right. I may not have the privilege of time like I used to with the first three, but my hopes are that with this baby I would be able to rekindle my longing for the first three baby days, that we become closer as a family, and further reinforces the love MrM and I have for each other and for our kids.

Holding Afifah's baby reinforces my feelings that, even though I am 42 turning 43 this October, even though work demands have been crazy and shall continue to be so, even though in my innermost feelings I am very worried about the possibilities of things not turning out right for myself and this baby, I do believe that God knows that this would be right for both MrM and me and our family.

I am hormonal right now. That is what happens when you get pregnant at this age.

My fellow pregger is having a baby!!!

My office fellow pregger is having her baby via C-section this Monday, April 20....You should have seen her this past week, heavy, glowing, anxiety all rolled into one!

25 weeks and being big....

I have actually written a few posts this past week , I lost interest and did not publish the posts. Lost interest for lack of anything interesting to write about, mind occupied with something else and just plain tiredness.....

First I wanted to write about my 24 week check with my gynaecologist on April 7. Dr Nik was happy with the progress. Baby was moving very actively, and still is, his movements are more pronounced these days. This baby seems to move actively at night, which I hope is not an indication that he will not sleep throughout the night!

Dr Nik did ask again on the date of the C-section, which can be done at 37 weeks. That means July 10. MrM said why not 09.07.2009. Dr just laughed. The more I think about it, I am planning for July 17, 2009. Senang balik from maternity leave after Hari Raya.

Statistics at 24 weeks

Weight gain to date : 9kg

Baby's size : 25 weeks

Blood presuure : 100/60

Other discomforts : Scars from scratching, and Dr saying I look tired....and I am most of the time. Breathless most of the time, and not able to sleep well at night.

3 more months now.....

Memories of Abah

My late father in his youth

(Photo taken by Munirah at my mother's house)

13 August 2009 marks the 19th year of Abah's passing.

I can't find the right words to describe him in his lifetime, his passion for education, his last words before he slipped into a coma, the father than he was to all of us, the grandfather that he was to my nephews and nieces.

It is just that from time to time I remember him and both my mother and his policies in raising me to be what I am today.

Today he feels so near and yet so distant.

Looking at his photo, I am transported back to my childhood and I am that little girl again.

I am sad that he is not here to see me now and my kids. He never knew that boy Pipi would be his son-in-law.

Al-Fatihah.

MrM gets his way!

Yes, MrM wins this time.....after much debate, prioritization, and risk reward analysis, we have decided on the Navara......yes Fifah, we have to justify the Navara's purchase with trips to the park for cycling, camping, buying plants, treacherous expeditions....apart from it being used to send kids to school and the occassional drive to office.

I just hope that MrM will not be expecting me to climb into that truck post delivery.....

Why not others?

He rationalizes :

• The Civic is a sedan, if we need another sedan we might as well just stick to the Waja.

I rationalize :

• Well, the BMW and Audi A4 are also sedans with a different price tag, why buy expensive sedans when a Waja will do?

So the Navara was selected because it is a truck and not a sedan, get it? (actually, I am NOT getting it)

Hee hee....I told MrM that is my birthday present for him, what is iPhone 3G compared to this, huh?

Now....we have to join Falina and Anuar on their expeditions then....nak justify purchase ni...

Munirah's Art

Munirah loves to draw. I think as a parent I should be more encouraging in her art interest. While I know this, most times I nag at her to study, study, study. Especially as this is her PMR year. I hear friends whose kids' results are straight As and this pressured mother wants that for her daughter, too. But does that mean Munirah is lesser as a student for not getting straight As? Does that mean that she is less intelligent for not getting straight As? Why is the education system so bent into producing kids with straight As?

I am still trying to figure this one out.

Munirah showed me this today upon returning from school. "Look Ma....I just did this...." I love her colors. I think she has talent. As a mother, you want the best for your child. However, whether she has talent or not, I think our role should be for the child to discover the best in her and make the best use of their talent.

I certainly could not draw like this at 15, and still can't draw if my life depended on it.

Hard choices

This Proton Waja and in this exact color is what we own today.

It was bought using the car benefit provided by this company I work for in June 2005. We are thinking of buying a new car to replace our Waja. This car is fully paid for.

This is the car MrM wants to buy and have been asking me every week to visit the dealership here in Sban. MrM says that with this truck, we can bring kids bikes to the park and with the little one coming, he feels that this is a good choice and value for money (in that in say 6 or 7 years the little baby boy will start riding bikes just like Zarif did). We already have a sedan and a people carrier. On top of that, MrM rationalizes that with this truck, the convenience of that space behind where we could put in it anything we want, plants (and I go how often do we need to buy plants), camping gear (don't even get me started on that one), and many more.

I opted for this instead. With the proceeds from the Waja sale, the monthly payments would not be that bad. Still affordable. MrM says why do we need to be a Honda household. I said if we bought this we are coincidentally a Honda household.

Of course, we did go and look at this and with the discount accorded to me working in this organization, it was indeed attractive. With the discount, plus proceeds of the Waja and additional downpayment, the monthly still is more than twice as much as the Civic. With a baby coming, monthly stipend for diapers and milk, not to mention another maid, I think not! Although, we could rationalize that life is short, therefore spend and live a little! The thing is, too many people in this organization drive this car.

We test drove this car first amongst all choices. This is a powerful car, solid and there are not many on the road. Resale value sucks, though. It is cheaper than the BMW323 but after one year the resale value drops by 100K. Nice to have and if we do, we have to keep this till retirement, ha ha!

Therefore? With the economic downturn, no expectation of salary increases, higher cost of living these days, we decided to maintain the Proton Waja.

Letih kan?

My wants (not necessarily in this order)

These are my wants that I have been thinking about for awhile now. These are wants and needs that I hope to fulfill some time in my lifetime. I want the LV Zippy Organizer Epi Leather in Purple

I love the way he looks at her and how both of them seem to look so natural with each other (yes I do realize that this could be just a pose for the photo shoot)

I want MrM and I to be like this now and forever

I want to travel somewhere

Let's start with wanting to perform umrah and haj with MrM

perhaps umrah with kids earlier or later, whichever comes first

and want to travel with kids to California and stay at the Disneyland resort when visiting Disneyland

take off from work for a month and just travel on the highways of USA

enjoy the beautiful coastline of Monterey Bay,

what would a visit to California be if we do not indulge in outlet shopping (was here in year 2000 traveling with MrM)

I want my legs to look like this after delivery, without the scars from the scratches I inflict on myself and the sights of blue veins

and surely it is not too much to ask for abs like this two months after giving birth? (just abs, not size of the bod)

I want to indulge in a pint of Haagen Dazs vanilla ice-cream with almond toppings right now (and then wish for abs like that, you moron!)

What matters most

I just had a performance review session with my superior today. I am inclined to believe that the more you do in this organization, the more it becomes normal and expected and that does not constitute good performance, let alone exceed requirements or outstanding.

At this age and perhaps more so, being preggers, makes me question what matters most. Performance in the office, performance as a wife, daughter and mother, or performance in the eyes of God. One can say that what we do in this life, office or home, all constitutes getting brownie points for your life in the next world. It is getting tougher to balance all three and I tend to sacrifice one for the other.

With a pending new boss and reporting line, a new baby, I am not sure I am capable emotionally to continue with the expectations that has been set for me in my current capacity. Capable refers not to the job but making sacrifices that comes with the job.

I do hope I made and continue to make the right decisioins for me and my family.