Another resignation

Another resignation by a dear friend. Which makes them three in the past three months.

I admire their courage. To leave and give priority to what really matters and what gives them that sense of satisfaction.

Harith will be 4 months this Friday. The past 2 months, I have only bathed him twice. It's like no matter what I resolve to do, fatigue rules my decisions.

I am so divided....and after what I have been observing, this is a lose-lose value proposition.

31st October 1992

That was the day 17 years ago when we said our vows to each other. Or so to speak.

Four children later, we are still together. I pray that we still will be until death do us part.

He is the wall I lean on, the sturdy one.

I had completely forgotten this day until my kids reminded me. An indication of how preoccupied my mind was with things that seems so unimportant now.

Loving you always, Happy Anniversary!

A New Spirit

I have decided to create a new blog. A new blog en route to a new me that is no longer defined by what I do for a living.

Enough is enough.

Acceptance and learning to let go

I was upset over a situation at work. And I kept thinking about this situation over and over again this weekend, venting my frustration with totally unrelated subjects relating to the recent organizational change.

I think the only solace to this is to accept this and move on. Learning to let go of expectations that I set for myself. Learning to let go that this is part of life ups and downs. Learning to let go that my role demands me to be different. The wheel of life, as my friend MG so aptly puts it as the title to her blog.

In self-reflecting my years in this organization, the organization has given me much and taken much. Balancing work and family is only a dream. In wanting financial security, I have been relentless in my pursuit of differentiation and improvements. Only to find that over time that becomes expected and the organization keeps pushing for more. Where does it stop?

Cocktail of Emotions Part 3

My state of being

Pic courtesy of Fotosearch

This entry I know reflects my emotional state right now.

I don't believe anymore, I just survive.

It is hard to lead when I don't believe and I am not sure what to believe in.

Being principle driven may get me into trouble.

I take things to seriously, I have high expectations.

What others do to survive is considered good enough, what I do to exceed expectations is a given.

I don't believe anymore, I should just learn to know the right ass to kiss....

Going Tote Crazy

pic courtesy of ronasofia.com
pic courtesy of eBay

pic courtesy of eBay

I am going tote crazy. Something about tote bags that makes me want more and more despite having at least four now. As MrM always say,"you can never have enough bags, don't you?" and I go quietly "huh I am glad after all these years you finally understand me, huhu!"

I love the pink Kate Spade baby diaper bag intending to not use it as a diaper bag, of course. It is more expensive than the Liz Claiborne pop tote. I like the LC pop tote because somehow I don't think I can carry off that pink KS tote at this age. The LC pop tote is cheaper and the size and length is more practical I thought.

Do I need another tote? Of course not. Need is secondary to wants. So help me, should I or should I not?

Cocktail of Emotions Part 2

It is good to keep up with the goings-on in friends' lives. My school mates from MRSM days have been meeting up every chance they get since our reunion on July 4th, and many times before for those in the reunion organizing committee. I managed to join them on the 40th day of my confinement for a lunch meet at a hotel before fasting month. And again during lunch at KLCC just a couple of weeks ago. To me, this friendship has matured to a level where we accept our differences and learn from each others' life journeys. There was another meet at MidValley Gardens as well as Raya gatherings here and there, evident from the photos in Facebook. It makes me happy to see those photos of old friends catching up with each other and enjoying each other's company.

Which brings me to the point of this entry. Yesterday, my room-mate from my US days and her husband (also from the same university) came and we were catching up on friends from that part of my life. I asked about this guy, whom I shall call, MrF, how he was doing and all, and that's when this friend of mine told me that his wife passed away last year.

I don't know MrF's wife personally, but I know of her. The reason she died was in trying to give birth to their second child. She had fits during labor that apparently was caused by a bleeding placenta that lasted for 2 hours before she died. Both of them are the same age as me, their first child is 9 years old and she had difficulty conceiving. I can imagine how they were looking forward to having this one and the sadness of losing his wife and the unborn baby.

MrF's wife, is from NS, and the reason I say I know of her is because she shares my birthdate, 9th October 1966. She is the daughter of TBT (abbreviated Tunku B T) and my mother tells me that as she was in labor pains about to deliver me, the late mother to MrF's wife went in first to deliver her and then only my mother went in to deliver me and therefore the same birthdate.

I was shocked and sad. Sad for MrF. MrF as I remember him is a person who cracks jokes and makes you laugh all the time. That was just last year. She was 41 then. And I started thinking that when I became pregnant with Harith, all I thought of was at the end of this process (of morning sickness, backpain and sleepless nights) I hope to have a healthy baby and to enjoy having a little one after all these years. They had that expectations too. And to be struck with that loss, I can't even begin to imagine how MrF is moving on with his life.

That that could have happened to me. Makna berserah dan bertawakkal means so much to me when I think of that day on 6th July as I was prepped for the C-section. Anything could have happened during that surgery. Anything could have happened after the surgery, especially when I had nausea and dizziness from both the after effects of spinal block and pain-killers. I thought of my fears then, and if anything were to happen to me, my last thoughts would be my kids and what I have or have not done for them as a mother.

I am so grateful that not only that the surgery went well, my recovery after the C-section was surprisingly good and more importantly, having a healthy baby boy who brings so much joy (yes, despite the sleepless nights) in our lives. Abang Ip, Kakak Aliah and Kakak Munirah loves baby Harith and fight over who gets to hold him. The first thing Harith does as I greet him while he is still in his cot at 5am is to give me a smile, as though he is so happy to see his mother's face. And I would like to think that he is indeed happy to see me.

She died on 28.08.2008. I only found out about it yesterday, 17.10.2009. If I didn't meet Miza and Ian yesterday, I wouldn't have known. Chances are if I met MrF (working in the banking industry) and not knowing what had happened, I would have asked about his wife and kids. Imagine if that happened.

I must make a point to meet up with friends from the many facets of my life more often.

Cocktail of Emotions Part 1

Harith Danish 17 October, 3 months 11 days

I have not been writing for a long, long time for many reasons. The first reason? No other excuse but busy (or pretending to be) and plain laziness. Second reason? When I am tired, I tend to wander and waste time. Wasting time with Internet browing, socializing through FB, and my recent favourite pastime http://thebagconnoisseur.blogspot.com/. Not really buying but it just gives me the kind of solace that perhaps only I understand......

The title "Cocktail of Emotions" I kinda borrowed from an office colleague who perhaps is in the same situation as mine, or rather her situation seems more dire with the bigger responsibility that she has both office and home.

What else? The reason I am tired are aplenty. Ever since Harith was born, I have only managed to get a decent night's sleep ONCE. And that was when he was left in the hospital for jaundice treatment and I was emotionally tired, crying in leaving Harith under the light. Every night since three months odd ago, I have been waking up between 1am to 4am at least twice. When I was on maternity leave, I will recoup my lost sleep during the day....Now that I have started working, I have been recouping my lost sleep by downing a lot of coffee and by actually sleeping soundly during meetings. Which I have never done in my working life. Not even when the first three were babies and did not sleep through the night. Of course I was younger then and still full of that bubbly energy that I am seeing in AAB, HH, MNSS, RAY and all that are in the same time zone as them.

I have been back at work for a little more than a month now and phew! I am finding work and that pace of work is a bit overwhelming, to say the least. I think I need to shift to a new paradigm where work is concerned. I can't continue like I used to and yet it irritates me when I am not my normal self. My new paradigm has to do with work ethics, what matters most, focus and relevance. Only I understand what that means. And I'll add on as I think on further paradigm shifts. Then I can write a book on "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Working Mothers" and when that book sells millions, I can then not only shift paradigm, I can leave that paradigm wherever caused me to have that shift, you understand? No? Don't bother....

Oh well, let me explain. Having Harith at this age (yep, fatigue and leaving his smiling chubby face every morning in the arms of the maid) makes me a tad less driven to fulfill the responsibility that my position requires or perhaps more the expectation that the position commands. The worst part I believe is that I know what it requires but whether it is just the lack of drive or laziness or not believing in "it" anymore, the whole situation is making me miserable. I have quite a bit on my plate right now (initiatives and initiatives), I can't seem to get a handle of everything on my plate right now, I am such a control and organized freak that it kills me to the core when I am in this state, and tada tada tada.....and then the guilt of leaving Harith (and the first three) and not doing much on the homefront. Leaving Harith and not spending enough time with him. Not supervising Zarif's and Aliah's school work and developments. Not shifting gear when I am at home and worrying still about work....what have I turned into? I am in a vicious mindset cycle!

Look at Harith photos above. These moments are here only once and focusing on enjoying these moments proves difficult when my frame of mind is in this state.....

The month of Ramadhan feels so short

Hari Raya is just around the corner and that day Harith will be two and a half months. I still try and breastfeed him but I am sad to write that my breast milk is not as much anymore. I hardly lactate except the times when I breastfeed him. I have been back to work for two weeks now and at the rate things are going in the office, it seems that I never went on maternity leave at all.

I have managed to lose an additional 6kg from that day when I went for my check-up with Dr Nik. That I managed to do partly because of fasting and mostly because I have not been eating rice. The bad thing about not eating rice is I tend to eat more of the Ramadhan kuih-muih and the ones I like are those loaded with sugar and santan (well what kuih is not loaded with sugar?) such as talam pandan, kuih koci, lepat pisang, kuih cara, kuih bakar.....although I try and limit to one or two only. Murtabak, another favourite, despite having that a few times, I only took at the most three small ones from the big piece cut into small squares.

I am determined to lose the additional 8kg from here, and post fasting month, this indeed will be a challenge.

Just came back from the big market in Seremban and am sooo tired. So many people and when we were there, we heard gunshots twice. Apparently someone died from that shot and imagine, there were so many people, what if the shooter went on a rampage, ramai laa tak beraya gamaknya. Alhamdulillah Aliah and I managed to do our bit and cabut and back safely home.

So to all, if I have ever said anything in this blog menyinggung perasaan, or in person, maaf zahir dan batin and I wish you a joyful Hari Raya and go easy on the lemang and rendang!!

When my amateur cooking is so appreciated

For break fast yesterday, I cooked nasi beriani with two versions of chicken, masak kurma and masak merah madu. The kurma to cater to Zarif's request and the masak madu to cater to Munirah's. Made cendol jelly earlier and asked the maid to fry the pisang nipah that I had bought at the pasar malam in Ampangan the day before. This is the second time I cooked nasi beriani, the first being the day before fasting began.

Seeing them eat today, with husband's eldest brother and family at break fasting as well, gave a lot of satisfaction to me, even though all I had was one piece of chicken as part of my diet.

This blog entry is typical of a working mother's dilemma. Zarif, my 11 year old son, asked me again to confirm that I am indeed returning to work on Monday and I said yes. His response was, "alaa....lepas ni mama dah kerja tak ada lagilah mama nak masak best2....."

True. When I start work and typically before when I became engrossed with work, I would sooner relinquish the menu selection and cooking to my maid. For the first 2 weeks of this fasting month, I have been planning every day on what to cook and eat for break fasting, save for a couple of days when I am too tired and asked the maid to decide what to cook.

I made this Milo drink on the 1st and 2nd day of breakfasting for Aliah and Zarif, and both of them have been asking for Mama's Milo since. I differentiate the drink I make to the drink that the maid makes for them with my own Milo concoction. My sister-in-law (husband's brother's wife) says why I worry because these kids know that the maid is a maid and we are their mother. I am of the view that despite them knowing that, I want my kids to remember the things I do for them and the taste that comes with it, not so much expecting anything in return, but to create memories for them that they will remember and tell their friends and own kids some day and make them want to come back to Mama's house for that special meal (no matter how simple or amateurish the cooking) because they remember and crave for that taste.....

Office and lack of sleep

Don't misundertand me, I am not looking forward to office at all after 2 months at home. 4 days to going back to office and I am tired....of waking up at least 3 times a night, and even though I could sleep during the day, it is just not the same as a good night's sleep.

Harith wakes up usually at 11pm, 2am and 4am. He is breastfed mostly at night and after a feed goes back to sleep provided that he gets burped else he will not sleep. Waking up for sahur is at 5am and I am just too tired to eat anything (what a good diet incentive huh?) and usually will down 3 glasses of water and half a mug of Nescafe.

I am going to be like a zombie in the office if this continues and MrM doesn't do his part to wake up for Harith's feeds. I am so tempted to buy that motorized buaian now....anything for my sleep!

Losing weight post delivery

I thought that it would be worth mentioning here that I have lost a total of 15kg so far from my heaviest point during pregnancy, which would be approximately two weeks prior to delivery since nearer to delivery date, I started losing weight.

I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight, i.e. back to the point where I had lost the 9kg when I started changing my eating habits and going to Sispa. I am surprised I lost al that weight since I have not been really watching my diet. I am still targeting another 10kg to lose and I can imagine that to be a very slow process. First I have to get on some form of exercise regime. As Dr Mehmet Oz said in TV (I think in the program called Second Opinion), strength and flexibility is key when you are older. I am definitely not anywhere near any form of strength and flexibility.

I have not eaten rice since fasting started, breaking fast with steamed fish and stir fried veggies and occasionally indulging in sugar laden lepat pisang and teh tarik. Therefore the weight loss has been slow. I think what helps is perhaps the fact that I am still breastfeeding. Buka puasa over last weekend was a lot of santan, masak lemak cili api ayam kampung on Saturday with MrM's brothers and families and another buka puasa session at my mother's house, where practically every dish is santan based. Masak lemak telur with pucuk ubi, rendang daging berkacang panjang, rendang ayam kampung and to top it all, bubur ubi kayu with gula anau. Even though I did not take rice, the calorie content of the food must have added at least half a centimeter on each side of my hips.

I am however, in a cooking mood. Enjoying what's left of this maternity leave. Enjoying time when my mind is focused on one thing at a time and not try to juggle all sorts of stuff at a time. Enjoying sleep during the day to compensate my waking up taking care of Harith's needs. Enjoying watching TV alone without having to fight over channels. Enjoying life while still getting paid salary and can initiate all sorts of projects that require some amount of money.

Time really flies when I am having fun

I have been too lazy to blog of late. Too many things to write about, too little time. Mundane life matters that no right words can describe. Or just plain don't know how and what to write.

What is occupying my mind right now is the fact that I will be returning to office next Monday, 7 September. After more than two glorious months at home (if you count the two week MC prior to giving birth), it is difficult to bring myself into thinking about office matters on a full time basis. The reason I say that is I have been in touch with office, keeping abreast with the goings on, and then retreat into the daily routine at home with the baby and forget about office.

Staying at home these two months has made me realize how much I have been relying on my maid of 8 years to take care of too many things that is really not to my liking. And my annoyance with my maid's behaviour over certain things has got to do with me annoyed with myself more than I am with her. Therefore this two months I had to set the record straight over a few things surrounding my kids and my household. Now that I have another maid dedicated to taking care of baby Harith, my management of these two maids, household, the bigger kids and baby Harith becomes all the more critical. I need to remind myself every day that I need to be in charge and in control, rather than let the maids run my life for me.

Today is the 10th day of fasting and 8 days for me, since the first two days I still had some blood discharge. The day before fasting i.e. Friday, I cooked nasi beriani and ayam kurma at the request of Zarif. The first week i.e. last week, I cooked nasi tomato and only Munirah liked it. When usually all of them love my nasi tomato, this time the response was lukewarm. Nasi ayam never fails, though. That was a hit with all three, especially Aliah who had three plates. She loved the nasi ayam chilli sauce that I made from a recipe I copied from a blog and kept saying "nak tambah lagi Ma...". I let her eat. Usually I would try and control their rice intake, this time I let her enjoy the meal. It is not often that I do these things for my kids, anyway, and when they enjoy my cooking, indulge them!

Made karipap too and that was also a hit with all three, especially Zarif, who initially was a bit cold towards my karipap. After experimenting with the dough, failing at first (too much margarine) and correcting it again, I finally got it right. I made the dough again last Friday and a total of 20 karipap was just gone with me getting to taste only 1. Zarif alone had 5, I think. Aliah stopped in the middle of her nasi eating to warn Zarif to leave some for her. I thought there were 4 leftovers from buka puasa, by the time I thought of having another one, those 4 were also gone. On that same day, I baked moist pandan and pound cake. That was one day that we did not go to the nearby Ramadhan Bazaar, he he.... as food was aplenty.

I enjoyed the cooking, amateur cook that I am, it gives me so much satisfaction that my kids are able to eat from my own cooking. This is the part where I try to differentiate my cooking from the maid's. When I work, by the time I reach home, I am just too tired to even think about menus let alone cook anything myself. And my maid is ever so willing to plan the cooking for the day. This has to change. MrM said that it is a bit too late to change the kids' menu and nutrition but to me, better late than never.

Managing budgets and saving for the future - Part 2

Continuing where I left.

Now that I thought about it, my sister's advice of "sikit2 lama2 jadi Gold Rolex (when it should be jadi bukit) was the advice that got me into this savings paranoia.

I have survived so far by :

• Not dabbling in new issuances or the secondary stock market


• Not borrowing to invest


• Managing my monthly cash flows with discipline


• Save or forecast need for something so that I can pay cash, usually vacations, certain targeted items


• Use of credit cards, albeit some time foolishly i.e. usually clothing, toys, wants but not needs, but managing the usage (ie never pay groceries or petrol with cards)


• Major expenditures paid with bonuses (for as long as there are bonuses, otherwise just duduk diam2)


• Separate bank accounts for MrM and I


• Designated household expenses between the two of us, except for groceries, where we split 50:50 or sometimes 60:40

I would hardly say that my method works for everyone, especially the part about using credit cards. I think I tend to charge wants but not needs on my credit card(s) and have been the victim of the exorbitant interest rates charged by issuing banks. One thing that I know for sure is that whenever I travel, all claim monies goes back into credit card payments. At least I have that discipline not to squander away money from claims for desired items. Even when the claims are more than what was charged to the card, I would just dump all the money into credit card payments.
By the time Aliah was born in 2000, and subsequent promotions where I work as well as MrM, financially we began to get better. We were still living paycheck to paycheck with little nest egg built from earlier years accumulated savings here and there. I still have that cash flow spreadsheet and planned expenses through forecasting again. If I spent more this month, will this impact my cash flow for next month or next few months, then that would mean tightening our belts for the next month or months, depending on size of purchase.
Fast forward 2006. We made plans to renovate our existing home to make more rooms for each of our kids, whom at that moment were sharing one room. MrM took to the task of designing the renovation layout and communicating that to the architect to draw up the plans. The house was under my company loan needed to be refinanced and MrM will take up a bank loan for that. The refinancing gave us some money for the renovation but was not enough for the entire cost. Again my cashflow management, in my view, helped. It was through the monthly cash planning and forecasting again how many months is required to be able to buy all the house accessories that enabled us to pay via credit card first and making full payments later.
In terms of responsibility for making payments, MrM is in charge of :

• People carrier installment (fixed )


• House loan (fixed)


• Toll and petrol (fixed)


• Cukai pintu and cukai tanah


• Wet groceries (fish and meats - fixed)


• Dry groceries (Fixed to variable, 50% of it)


• Education endowment for no 3


• His own credit card (variable to fixed depending on balance)


• Car maintenance


• Insurance and road tax for people carrier

While I am in charge of :

• Two other car installments(fixed)


• Education endowment for no 1 and 2 (taken at a younger age)


• Utility bills (fixed including education loan payments to MARA)


• Kids tuition, piano and ngaji (fixed)


• Maid and driver's salary (fixed)


• Credit cards (variable since it will be what was charged in the past month)


• Wet groceries (vegetable - fixed to variable)


• Dry groceries (fixed sb memang kena buat, variable depending on purchases, 50% of total)


• Some parts of car maintenance (like buying Syntium not fixed monthly)


• Insurance and road tax for the cars that I am paying (annually)

Now that Harith is born, MrM is given charge to buy formula and diapers....
And somehow this works for us. In terms of decision-making, MrM makes the major ones, like deciding on moving here to Sban, the recent renovation, while I tend to decide on the use of money that gives me short-term satisfaction. Needs would be kids clothing, school supplies, computer equipment and of course the wants such as jewelry (costume jewelry not gold or diamonds), shoes and bags and oh yes, house decor stuff....I make the travel or vacation plans, run it by MrM and if he agrees, I would arrange for the tickets, hotel, transport etc. If it is local travel, MrM would pay for food and petrol, while I take care of accommodation. Not to the exact dollars and cents but about there....
Suze Orman says that you should have savings of at least 8 months salary and that is a lot! At this age, I tend to relax a bit and spend. I would like to think that I am conservative but not frugal anymore. We do eat out, it is just that the places we go here in Sban are quite reasonable for a family our size. Occassional treats for kids would be McD or KFC or Sate Hj Samuri. Or Cozy in KL. Or Pak Lang Kopi Tiam in PD.
In some months I do save 40% of my salary. My approach is a fixed income earner approach or in other words, makan gaji punya cara. The stability of income from the organizations both of us work for helps in enabling us to manage our cash flows the way we have been.
What do I think about our current expenses? There is a lot of fat here and there and if one of us stops working, there will be major adjustments to be made. With a bit of planning on my part, we could cut our grocery bills. Harith could use cloth diapers. As a household, we could use less electricity, especially air-conditioning, and discipline the kids on switching off lights and fans after use. I do tell my kids to do that but kids will be kids and the fan in the bedroom will be on when the owner has gone to watch TV and switching on the fan there too! I have been reminding my kids that money do not grow on trees but let's just say, that it is still a journey and most times I am too tired to nag!
Much as I wish I could do something else for a living, for now I am accepting the fact that I need to continue working where I work today and try to see the positive side of things. But this would warrant an entry on its own and certainly has no relevance to managing budgets! Getting to do what I want vs. being responsible and continue working in order to be able to provide financially for kids education is always a dilemma. Aarrrghhh!
In retrospect what my mother said was true. Do not worry about money, there will be time when you will have money. I don't know. Perhaps that was her prayer for me or with her saying that I was more determined than ever to save money. A lot of money or not that is relative, I believe so. To her I think she meant having some money saved, knowing my mother. And sometimes I can't help but think that my mother does know a thing or two about these things...

Managing budgets and saving for the future - Part 1

This, I would imagine, is a topic that is close to most people's hearts.

What I would like to write about is my approach in managing my monthly cash flows, meeting obligations and saving some dough for a rainy day.

Let me tell you upfront that I have never dabbled in the stock market, even at the heights of the market frenzy of the early 1990s when even people with less pay than me would be able to get an overdraft facility to apply for new share issuances. It just did not make any sense to me then that these people delved into any new issues and not realize the risks of such strategies. Sure during that period a lot of people made quick bucks with these new issue applications in the capital gains that they made the minute the shares are traded on the exchange. And my thinking has always been one would invest when you have money, NOT that one borrows to invest, even though in financial markets that is the norm. Personal finance, to me, you must have money then only you invest.

The other investing that I did not agree was the getting a loan to invest in ASN/ASB. It didn't make sense to me that I would have to borrow and assumes that ASB yearly dividend would be self paying the financing of the loan. It is a huge assumption on the dividend as well as the interest expense from the loan. The other part is the scheme would require monthly loan deductions and how could I when I can't even meet my fixed obligations.

Needless to say then during the early days of my work life money was tight and investing of any sort was not a priority to me.

But I was very disciplined with cash flow management. My first principle is there must always be enough cash at the end of the month for emergencies or treating myself (and MrM) to a dinner outing somewhere. Mind you, those days our dinner outing was either at Suzy's Corner, AliSan or Mapler at DU. Not some fancy restaurant or hotel dining. Even if we could afford once in awhile fancy dining, most of the time these were the places that we frequented.

My second principle is the art of forecasting how much I needed to save to get something. Those days my pay was RM1,800.00 monthly. I saved RM1K every month for 8 months and had that RM8K used as a downpayment for our first car, the white Proton Saga, WCM5131. I lived on RM800 less EPF deductions, which meant less than RM800. I would ration my lunch to RM2.50 per day and yes those days you could get lunch with that amount of money.

Things of course changed when we got married. Now we had double income, and we had to decide who paid for what. In the early days of our marriage prior to the arrival of our eldest, we did not really care about who is to pay for what. Today I would pay for this, then the next day MrM would pay for that. My third principle is always have your own bank account, even though I know some couples have a joint account while maintaining separate accounts, somehow for us it worked by just having our own accounts and each one of us responsible for common family commitments.

When Munirah arrived, there were milk, diapers, baby needs, nursery fees, on top of car and housing loans to pay, and other things like groceries, utility bills etc. For major purchases, we used our bonuses since monthly cash flow was tight. I remember my first bonus after getting married, we bought a dining table for 6 made of rubber wood for RM900.00. Then MrM bought with his bonus airconditioning for our bedroom, a frost free refrigerator to replace the green colored fridge that was inherited from my mother or sister I can't remember. Then was it his bonus or mine that was used to buy our first sofa set from Fella Design. Savings were nonexistent then because there just wasn't any to save and we needed to buy things for the house. I guess both MrM and I had the stability of our income flows working in the organizations that we were attached to.

Pay increases those days were meagre in the sense that it wasn't enough to make a change in our monthly cash flows. I was thankful for the increases but worried at the same time as to when my salary would reach even the RM5K mark. MrM did well workwise in the other oil and gas company and his salary catapulted fast. We were able to afford a better car and bought th Peugeot 407 in 1997. I was scared with that purchase and the monthly installments because my priority was to save and we still were not able to.

Fast forward to 1998. Zarif arrived and financial wise we were no better than before. Of course we had more income compared to Munirah's arrival but still we were not any better because we had more fixed obligations monthly. The arrival of a new baby, Munirah in playschool, it seemed that all we paid for was nursery, play school, milk, diapers and kids needs. Nursery charges make up the bulk of the kids payments plus overtime. Truth be told, I was saving RM200.00 sometimes less monthly. But I tried to save. I still stuck to my cash flow management. That after deducting all fixed obligations, then I would see how much I have that I could use for myself, vacation, toys, clothes etc. and how long I needed to save to get to a certain target such as vacation.

We used credit cards, made minimum payments, but never to a point where the balance became unmanageable. I do admit that credit cards are evil and there have been many frivolous expenses using credit cards. I always felt that I was in control of my spending where credit cards are concerned when it actual fact, I wasn't.

There was still the issue of saving money to me. I was not able to save enough. There was always a new washing machine to buy, another refrigerator or something. By early 2000 Aliah made her presence into this world, we moved to Sban, we had a maid, and there was barely enough to set aside money or even money set aside for savings will need to be used at some point.

My mother used to say, don't worry about money, if your rezeki is there, you will have money later. However, my sister advised me to save and said "sikit2 lama2 jadi Gold Rolex!" I was really into what my sister advised, question is my sikit2 is nowhere near the Gold Rolex according to my standards.

To be continued.

My Pantang

I have always been on my own when it came to post delivery confinement. With Munirah, towards the end of the maternity leave, I made the mistake of going back to Sban where my mother insisted on me taking this concoction of kunyit hidup (turmeric) and air asam and God knows what else. That resulted in diarrhea and my mother was adamant that the air kunyit hidup is not the cause. MrM had to take me to a clinic in KL where I was found to be so dehydrated that the doctor immediately put me on a drip. The reason being the GP that I went to in Sban was unable to diagnose let alone prescibe a course of action for my condition.

I think it was with Aliah that I went back to my mother's again simply because we were in the midst of renovating this house in RK and it was convenient for MrM to check on the contractors' work on the house. And I did not stay there for the entire 40 days either. Something happened during that confinement with my eldest sister that again I do not want to dwell on.....

My mother would scare me with her horror pantang stories i.e. what would happen if you do or don't do certain things and how you would only feel the effects of not strictly following the pantang rules only when you are older, da da da.....Sometimes I felt the anecdotes were bordering vulgar...for instance, if you sit with your legs open your you know what would be wide open as well (for those with normal delivery). And she would never fail to shudder at the thought of me getting cut up for the 4th time to deliver Harith. As if I had a choice in delivery after Munirah. And many more that I don't care to write down here.

Apart from the ikan haruan and jeli gamat that I am taking twice daily, I drink water a lot. My biras said that during pantang one must not drink too much water. What does everyone expect? I have to drink water and at least 8 glasses a day. I don't drink cold water and I don't gulp, just sip. I have my usual Nescafe in the morning with 2 slices of wholemeal bread. I don't wear socks during the day but at night I do since the room is air-conditioned. I take fruits such as oranges and pears and shy away from grapes and the cempedak goreng MrM bought for the kids. I eat mostly steamed fish daily and any veggies. I have not take eggs but eat cakes or mee hoon that has eggs in them.

I where pants and khakis during the day and not kain batik. I take nice warm showers in the morning and evening. If Dr Nik had his way he asked me to take showers 3 to 4 times a day!

I had my urut session already for three days and another one at 40 days. I tried the velcro stomach shaper but find that I sweat so much that makes me itch all day. For now I have refrained from wearing that until Harith is about a month or so.

As for the future, who knows? I try to eat healthy and well and rest as much as I can. Whether I will feel the effects of not following the old folks pantang rules in the future I don't know. All I can hope for is to regain my srength back through a proper diet and exercise.

What does spinal block combined with morphine do to me?

The first night after delivery I was dizzy and constantly felt like vomitting. Then I remembered that was how I felt with Aliah after her delivery, too.

At one point I almost vomitted or just the feeling of wanting to vomit and quickly pressed the button near my bed to call the nurse. She brought me the kidney shaped dish by the bed so that I can throw my guts out but nothing came out. Of course, the last meal was at 6am that morning, what could possibly come out?

I was given more medicine that night to contain the side effects of morphine and truth be told, I was in and out of sleep that night, envious of MrM who seems unaffected by the hard sofa in the room and slept very soundly.

That was precisely the reason I insisted on MrM to sleep in the hospital room the first night remembering how I felt alone after Aliah's delivery.

This time he indulged my request.

Those who have passed on - AlFatihah

This past week has been finding out about the death of people I hardly know but somehow have left somewhat of an impact in my blogging life....whether it is their writing style, their opinions, their life updates, their struggles, their happiness, their prayers and many more.

AlFatihah to :

1. The Ancient Mariner
2. A mother who gave birth to a baby boy weighing less than 1kg while struggling with the metastasized cancer of the breast
3. Yasmin Ahmad, and the PETRONAS ads have always been an interesting topic with MrM, who without fail will ask me what the moral of the ad would be and I would get it all wrong, but those ads have never failed to cause me to shed a tear....

On a personal front, MrM's cousins' daughter, 18 months, succumbed to head injury after being in a car accident....
"The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the other end in an awful hurry"

Snaphots of Harith

Just this morning 19 days old

Looking more like Aliah as a baby


17 July 11 days old

He is more alert these days and is awake more frequently

A Series of Events - Delivery of Harith Danish

I suddenly realized that there is a disconnect from 6 July 2009 and Should I rename this blog entry.

Me being me, documentation mesti in order, so here goes :

The delivery

After meeting Dr Nik early morning of 6 July, he decided that I should have the C-section that day at 1pm. There was the admissions to go through and I was initially given the four-bedded room while waiting for the single executive room to be vacated and cleaned.

By the time I got to the room was about 10 something or so and there were a series of procedures to be administered. Further shaving, enema, and meeting the anaesthetist. That guy entah apa mabuk tried to find my veins at the side of my wrist sakit gila masa dia cucuk kat situ. Sampai hari ni lebam lagi. Macamlah I am so thin sampai susah sangat nak cari vein. Shaving apparently kena sampai ke bawah bukan di atas sahaja and enema tak payah since I emptied my bowels in the morning before meeting Dr Nik.

The lady next to my bed apparently was to undergo a c-section as well but she chose to be under general anaesthetic. So she went first and was wheeled in a wheelchair. My question is, why me yg under spinal block ni ke wheeled into OT on a bed? Did size have anything to do with it?

Once wheeled into OR, there was no turning back! Yeah right, this baby has to be delivered right? MrM was sent to change gears, I was asked the same questions over and over again, "When was your last meal?" "When was your last drink?" then into the OT I went.

I thought this OT no 7 was a bit smaller compared to the one when Aliah and Zarif was delivered. You could hear the music, the anaesthetist did say that if I didn't like the music I could have it changed. Yeah as if music is foremost in my mind at that time.

Anaesthetic solution applied, first injection to numb the skin, second injection to administer the spinal. Except for the initial jab, it was relatively painless procedure. Relative to finding that vein on my wrist that is.

This time, compared to Aliah's delivery, I could feel my legs getting heavy, which is really a good sign that the spinal is indeed working. Because after having epidural for Zarif's delivery, the spinal block masa Aliah's delivery still enabled me to move my legs about. Imagine my worry when the good doctor was about to start the surgery. Lepas tu dibaringkan di atas operating table, BP monitor dah pasang, IV injected with something so that I don't feel dizzy, catheterization, and my stomach and private parts for the entire OR to see. That one I should have expected tapi tak ingat lah pulakkan sebab risau pasal spinal aje.

Dr Nik came in and said the same thing 9 years ago "blunt or sharp? blunt or sharp?" Blunt ke sharp ke satu hapah pun tak rasa lagi dah. He said he will start first before MrM comes in because he has to go through every layer of the previous C-section scars. Of course finally MrM is in and he saw my stomach already cut open. I wonder eh, sekejap tengok wife kena potong, sekejap tengok wife dalam keadaan lain, sekejap tengok wife pregnant....pening!

He sat beside me and I warned him not to see what the good doctor was doing because I was freaking out. Stay beside me! Tapi menjenguk jugak dia sekali sekala. My breathing was getting heavier due to the spinal block and the oxygen mask was so merimaskan. In the end I decided not to use the oxygen and try to breathe normally.

It took Dr Nik a good 30 minutes to get to the final layer, then there was the squishing sound macam sucking water ke blood ke and he said he is going to deliver our baby now. Alahai berdebar hati ni rasa mengharapkan baby yg dilahirkan ni normal.

Then baby Harith was born into this world at 1:45pm, crying his lungs out, with Dr Nik menyambut by giving his customary salam, and said semoga menjadi anak yg soleh and I cried. Taklah teresak2 tapi mengalirkan air mata. Nak teresak2 pun tak boleh sebabnya masih lagi tak boleh bernafas dgn normal due to the spinal block.

Asked MrM to check and tell me baby ni normal ke tidak and dia angguk. Alhamdulillah. Baby kata Dr taklah besar and after clearing the fluids from his nose and throat the OR assistants wrapped him and gave him to me. Snap, snap, took photos and off the baby went to the nursery.

Baby Harith weighed 2.41kg, or 5,3lbs, slightly less than Aliah who weighed 2.53kg at birth and Zarif who was 2.55kg. Alhamdulillah baby's indicators such as G6PD, Apgar score semua normal. Having a baby at this age, while I know there are many 40 something mothers out there who still brave getting pregnant at this age or older, has been tough on me mentally given the pessimist that I am. I have been on an emotional roller-coaster this past 9 months, crying, angry, sensitive over the smallest of things (both at work and at home) and happy and syukur things have turned out well.

Next change : Effects of morphine and spinal block post delivery

10 days old

Harith sleeping this morning

Harith Danish is 10 days old today!

At 10 days, Harith sleeps for 3 hours at one go before needing another feed. His suckling is very strong now and I feel that the breast milk is not enough. Dr Bee said not to worry and continue breast feeding provided that I do not take any form of herbal concoction for confinement. Today was the first visit to the paediatrician's clinic and the bilirubin level has dropped further to 182.

Harith wakes up to be breastfed at 1 to 2 am, and again between 4 to 5 am. Which is not that bad, provided that I am not working as I can catch a nap in the afternoon the next day.

My breast does not have time to lactate and he is already up for another feeding. We will see up to 14 days, then Harith would be supplemented with formula.

I am worried about training the new maid. Tried to do so today but she seems a bit young and always in a haste to do something else when she is supposed to be dedicated to taking care of Harith. Will have to be patient and make lots of notes for her. The dos and don'ts.

Today MrM received good news from his boss. So good that he got the shock of his life. Yeah... it is that time of the year for MrM when new salary is communicated. Alhamdulillah. I will know my fate on 22 July, I guess. If there is any. If I have not reached the ceiling in the salary band.

I need a nap now since I had guests this afternoon and was not able to sleep. Zzzzzzzzz......

Juggling balls

Zarif has been sick since Monday. It started as fever and headache and now nausea and not able to eat. MrM brought him to the panel clinic again today and nothing additional was prescribed but to continue with the medicine that was prescribed Monday.

Baby Harith bilirubin levels have come down below the threshold and was discharged at about 7pm today. He will need to have his blood taken again on Thursday and thank God for Dr Bee in Seremban. He was Aliah's paeds many, many years ago and was surprised to see me with a baby. He is such a gentle doctor and his demeanor is comforting to a parent with a sick child as well as the child.

I slept this afternoon after visiting Harith at the hospital and the urut session in the morning. That was the final session before another one at 40 days thereabouts. That was a very good nap, even though I was sleeping on the wing chair. Aliah went for her swimming class at the Sports Complex and she appears to me very confident, albeit darker, since she took up swimming again. The only thing about her is telling her to check her schoolwork has become a constant nag and she keeps saying "tak ada homework Ma....". At this point I have not gone into checking her books one by one though I think a lot of parents, working or not (mothers who do not work will argue that what they do at home is also work), do check their kids books and for any circulars or memos from school. When I come back home from work, I am just too beat to be checking on schoolbooks and more so getting angry with them for incomplete school work, sloppy handwriting or just plain do not know what needs to be done.

Anyway......

Baby Harith is asleep now after three consequent breast feeds...Dr Bee just called to inform MrM that Harith has breastmilk jaundice and needs to be monitored in the next couple of days. I am not to eat jamu or too much ginger as this apparently contributes to the recurring of the jaundice. And to drink a lot of water. All the things that my mother would not allow me to do like for instance drink too much water.

Zarif vomitted on my bed just now and MrM probably will bring him to the hospital tonight to treat his nausea and headache.

It has been a long day....

Harith has jaundice

Harith was just admitted into the nearby hospital to be put under the light as treatment for jaundice. My poor little baby! I admit I was so emotional about leaving him there since the hospital rooms are full (Seremban can do with another private hospital since the other one is always full as well) and not waking up to the sound of him crying in the middle of the night.

Oh dear....besok nak balik kerja nanti macamana ni....

This experience of having a baby at this age feels like having one for the first time again. I remember with Munirah how teary eyed I was on the first day of work.

How I wish I can be a full time mother...those days I did not have as much responsibilities as I do now. How I wish I can freeze this time spent with Harith Danish....before you know it the two months is up and I have to leave him in the hands of the paid help......

Should I rename this blog for the next 60 days?

Confinement at 42. What do you think?

After a 3 day stay at the hospital post delivery, I was discharged and returned to home sweet home on the 9th. I was a bit apprehensive going home. First is because I did not get much rest in the hospital, second at home there are the first three kids that equally demands attention and the usual nagging and worry about school work, exams, etc.

But I was wrong. Being home in the solace of your own bedroom, your own pillow, even your own blanket makes the difference in terms of comfort. The kids have been great, helping out in running back and forth from upstairs to downstairs and vice-versa to fetch things for me or for the baby. They can't wait for the baby to grow so that they can play with him. In fact today I saw Zarif trying to wake the baby up so that he can gaze into the brother's eyes. Last Saturday, while napping, I saw Aliah patiently waiting beside the baby and just contented in just looking at him. And Munirah, I think the arrival of the baby seems to have softened Munirah a bit. She is proud of the baby brother and have been making little announcements to her friends, their mothers and even the piano teacher!

I can't say enough on MrM. He is my pillar of strength. What would I do without him? From going to market, finding the haruan, sending kids here and there (tuition, kem solat), teaching the maid how to cook the fish, doing groceries, running errands here and there, cleaned and buried the tembuni (placenta), finding the urut lady, fixing things around the house, entertaining guests, the list goes on and on. By night time he is so dead tired it is a relief to lie down and straighten his back and before you know it he is snoring away. I am sure most husbands are that way, but knowing how he felt as the baby was about to be born, and the surge in emotions that can only be felt by seeing the look on his face, makes me understand MrM's sense of responsibility over me, this baby and the family as a whole.

I felt rather weak the first few days and naturally so since I just had that surgery on Monday. I was not in the mood to eat anything and the steamed ikan haruan is enough to throw you off any other food. So far it has been toast for breakfast, ikan haruan for lunch and dinner, a lot of vegetables and either plain water or Milo for drinks. Tomorrow I must stop drinking anything with sugar or milk and I tell you after indulging for 9 months, this will be so difficult. Rice I can do without, but my cup of Nescafe laced with condensed milk, that is a challenge for me!

Today the makcik urut came. The massage session was really good, this persistent headache since hospital days is gone! I am not sure if it is the massage OR the NR tablets that I have been taking for the past two days. One good thing about this NR tablets is that it eases my constipation. I guess that may have contributed to the headache. The urut will continue for the next 2 days and another session at 40 days.

Been diligently taking Afifah's prescribed Gamat Jelly since Friday. With ikan haruan, gamat, the NR tablets, I hope this will be a good start to the healing process and shedding excess weight. Once I am a bit more confident and stronger, I will pay a visit to Sispa for some fat burning session. And take brisk walks around the block to strengthen my legs and lungs since naik tangga pun still mengah.

Plans are as good as plans unless executed.

06.07.09

I am awake since 5 am and not much of a sleep since 2:40 am. Sleep evades me at this point and I didn't want to take the sleeping tablet anymore last night. I thought I would tire myself out and would be able to sleep naturally. Wrong! After watching the Federer vs. Roddick Wimbledon final, there was no way I could sleep.

In 10 minutes, I will go downstairs and have a hot drink and some oatmeal before the fasting begins at 6am.

Today, I am as ready as can be. My flu is gone with the occasional cough to clear my throat. Feels like there is phlegm but really when I spit it out, it looks more like saliva than anything else. The big sh*ve has been done, my bags are packed, MrM has yet to pack his since this time around I insist that he spends the night with me in the hospital until I am confident enough to get out of bed post delivery myself. This little one was doing somersaults in there even at 3am and I can feel him move even as I type. We have not decided on names yet even though the one that I wanted is still what I fancy calling this baby. The name would most probably still begins with an A. Munirah will always be the unique child in this family whose name begins with an M.

As I write away, and after loads of assurance from friends and family, I am calm and stil a teeny-weeny bit anxious over the procedure today. I felt the same way when being prepped for Aliah's delivery in 2000 and everything turned out all right. The c-section, according to the doctor will take longer because of previous scars and also the tubal ligation that he will do after th baby is born. I have had suturing done on my c-section wound post Munirah's birth and that I was even more nervous than this. And I was 29 then. Being this age I have to admit that I already know what it entails and Dr Nik has always done a good stitching up from my experience with him during Zarif and Aliah's births.

I am thankful for this experience and the only complaints that I have is fatigue and nausea. I am thankful for the ability to withstand all that and the good health evidenced from blood pressure, sugar levels and urine content.

Going downstairs for breakfast now. My stomach is already growling!

Flu and cough makin rancak

Could not sleep again last night. What else is new? This inability to sleep due to multiple factors such as cough, backache, fear of cramps, frequent trips to the toilet has been going on for 2 weeks now. Or perhaps even earlier.

My good intentions of sending the kids to school this morning and going to the wet market soon after remain good intentions. I didn't even know what time MrM went to work. After getting up at 5pm, I slept on the sofa again at close to 7pm. And now just up again.

I think I am getting better. I really hope so. Bena is making me cough out the phlegm. The thing with Bena is that it makes you drowsy. And I was drowsy all day long yesterday. Imagine coughing like this after the C-section. Rasa nak terbelah perut nanti. That is why I need to get better by Monday. The anaesthetist will not be too happy seeing me with this cough and runny nose.

I think I'll get a new handphone today. I can't survive without one. Two days now without a handphone and that girl from M*x*s tak ada pun call about the loan unit. Nasib baik still can access email from the portal.

4 days to go now......think positive, think positive, think positive!

Down with cough and flu and the delivery date shall be....

6 July 2009.

That is the target delivery date set by Dr Nik at approximately 1pm. Fasting shall start at 7am Monday morning.

I am down with laryngitis and was prescribed by Dr Nik Bena, Clar*n*se, and antibiotics to ensure that by Monday I am all good to go for the C-section.

Right now, I am feeling drowsy from a dose of Bena due for my afternoon rest.

And I am Blackberry less for a day. Which means I am not contactable through my handphone since I don't have a spare phone (already used by Munirah) and a loan unit will be provided to me by M*xi* only tomorrow.

How do I feel right now about Monday 6 July 2009?

Eager, scared, anxious, worry, thinking of seeing the little one, just a mixture of feelings that actually tantamounts to anxiety.

Pray that I do get well before the surgery.

Reality sinking in

I thought the title of this post would be apt for what goes through my mind today.

No 1

The reality of having a 4th child has not really sank with me, despite what I have wrote in the past, despite getting ready new baby things (almost) and despite carrying this baby in me for the past 9 months. I guess nothing prepares you for motherhood, especially at this age, when you don't have to worry about the kind of care on your kids like you would with a baby. The reaity that this baby may not sleep well at night (and judging from the first three, they do not sleep through the night in the first three years) and feeling tired from lack of sleep.

No 2

After being on medical leave for almost 2 weeks now, the reality that my life for the past 10 years have been very much work, work and work. The sad thing about this is that I remember things about work 10 years ago than I do about specific achievements of my kids. Or milestones in their lives. The sadder thing is, despite given medical leave to rest well before the surgery, I feel like I am worth much less as a person when I do not work. When I am not solving things in office. When I am not reading or reviewing submissions by direct reports. While work has accorded me so many opportunities and experiences and I am getting to be good at what I do, I have let work take control of my life and to the point where I feel I still need to prove my abilities when I should be developing these abilities in others.

No 3

The reality that I will not lose weight that easily after this delivery and recovery may take longer. I had planned to take brisk walks around the residential area 2 weeks after delivery. Slowly at first and building my stamina up as I become stronger. I am not so sure how well I would recover and whether complications may arise. Again it is the guilt and worry over my unhealthy eating habits for the past 9 months. Sweet drinks, curries, masak lemak, pancakes, fried chicken, rice, those are my common indulgence. That my cholesterol level that has improved to 3.5 would probably skyrocket to more than the 5.2 threshold.

No 4

The fourth one has nothing to do with having a baby or recovering post partum. It is about relationships with your other half. Keeping romance alive is not easy to do when you are at this age and is also a question of what one would do to keep it alive. In fact, I don't think of it as romance anymore, rather intimacy that can only be known between the two of us. Putting into perspective these past nine months, "romance" is alive when he asks you whether the colour of his pants today suits the shirt that he is wearing. It is alive when he assures you that the baby will be all right despite the risks of having one at this age. He calls you in the middle of the night when I was almost bonkers after 2 days stay at the hospital. He reminds me of my priorities in life, especially when it comes to kids and work. Comes to KL and the madness of traffic jams to pick me up from work even when he is on leave.

No 5

Reality that I am 43 this year and have a long way to go in deepening my knowledge and devotion to one and only God. That the past 30 years I have been distracted and not perform my obligations as a Muslim fully. I don't want to dwell more of this in this blog. It is just time for me to face this reality and do something about it.

Leg cramps

I had leg cramps on my left leg this morning at about 6am and that was a strong one. The last time I had leg cramps was when I was about 5 months. I have not been taking the calcium pills as diligently as I should. Bad as it is that I have to take the multivitamins, the white calcium pills do not bode very well with my constant state of nausea.

MrM straightened my leg and flexed it to ease the cramps. The entire day I still had that cramp feeling at my left betis.

Still not taking those calcium tablets though. MrM malas nak comment when he asked me whether I have been taking calcium. Let's put it this way, my sanity is very important to me at this stage of the pregnancy.

Sigh! Another week of waiting and losing weight?

Those days (9 months ago) when I was dieting and eating bland tasteless healthy food, I had difficulty losing weight. Now that I am eating to my heart's content, especially at this stage of pregnancy, I lose weight from last week's weigh-in. Dr Nik was concerned but not too concerned since I have put on 14 kg in totality. What is in a few hundred grams, right?

I was not able to sleep well last night despite taking sleeping tablets. I slept close to 12pm and woke up at 4am. Moved to the wing chair but my backache was so bad that I couldn't sleep even if I wanted to.

The appointment today did not introduce anything new, I thought. Or perhaps I am taking things for granted. I know I am. Blood pressure was 90/60, urine is clear from proten, baby is head down, his back to my left, and I could see Baby A's chest heaving up and down and him opening his mouth like a yawn. Dr Nik said he was actually swallowing the amniotic fluid. Such is the wonder of life growing inside me. I am 36 weeks now but the baby's size is almost 38 weeks. Estimated weight at this point is 2.8kg. The placenta is at Stage 3 maturity and God knows how many stages there are since I didn't care to ask at this point, evident in the increase in calcium deposits within the placenta.

Since I complained of not being able to sleep, Dr Nik increased my dosage of sleeping tablets from 1 to 2. I have only been taking 1 tablet nightly since even with 1 I have difficulty waking up in the morning. These tablets does help me go to sleep because that is the real problem, I sleep very late at night because I have slept my day off in the afternoon.

At this point I really want the C-section to be next week, any day let's just do it Doctor! Dr Nik, however, said let's give the baby the benefit of being longer in the womb and target for delivery on 6 July 2009 unless my water broke, my blood pressure shoots up or I have pain at my previous C-section scars. That is another 9 days! I don't think I can hold out that much longer what with me heavy like this, the hot weather, nausea and act of vomiting especially after coffee and brushing my teeth.

The thing that gets to me at this point is I want to be actively moving about, spring cleaning cupboards, kitchen, book shelves since I hardly get to do this when I work. There is a limit to my activity and energy level and I would be retreating to the comfort of my bedroom by 12pm to rest and sleep. Even my maid is saying that I should rest rather than move about. I suspect I am getting to her nerves as well since I am asking her to do this and that. Why not tell the employer to rest therefore she can go about her usual routine, eh? I suspect that was not the reason since she has been with me for 8 long years and that was a genuine concern.

Now that MASfair is on until 5 July I am already making travel plans for the year-end school holidays. MrM has agreed to go to an international location, with the new baby, and I think this trip will be exciting for the older kids. Imagine water parks, desert safaris, beriani from Liyari, souks, shopping....you don't need to guess where we are heading. Yes, if ada rezeki, ke situlah we will be going for holiday this year.

Another sleepless night

• Tossed and turned and ended up not being able to sleep last night
• My back hurts
• I am still nauseous
• Constipation is my middle name now
• There are still so many things to do
• There is so much energy left
• Money is flowing out like water
• Hope that it flows in faster than it does out, ha ha! It is July after all....
• MrM also could not sleep with my tossing and turning
• He went to work anyway
• I need food right now and instead what do I do, updating blogs
• The room is in a mess
• I am in no mood to clean up

Another round of CTG today

It is 4pm now and I am in the comfort of my bedroom awoken from a deep slumber by Munirah, who wanted to know whether I bought her Gel pens and the birthday present for her good friend Shahira. I did, of course, at no less a place than Ki*ok*niy*, and bought her enough gel pens to last her till the end of this year I would imagine. I also bought her the socks that she has been wanting in white and off-white colors. Got that ticked off my list of things to do.

MrM dropped me off at GIMC at 8am this morning and I head towards the labor ward for another baby heartbeat monitoring. Baby A was active as usual, evident through the occasional thud sound of the CTG machine. His heartbeat ranged between 120 to 190 and after half an hour I was done. The nurse tore off the hearbeat and contraction graph printout and informed Dr Nik. I guess there was nothing to be worried about since Dr Nik said he will be seeing me on Friday then.

Took a cab Su*ia K*CC, and had breakfast at La C*cur, and that was two plates of mee hoon goreng since I was so hungry! Went up to office and cleared some outstandings, met my boss and HH discussed about work. In one week, my mind has forgotten so many things related to work, let alone after two months of maternity leave. Right now, my mind is elsewhere thinking about this delivery and the oh so many things that I have to do before delivery.

The house seems so quiet right now. Aliah is at her swimming lessons, Zarif is tired from co-curriculum, and Munirah, as usual, in her room, hopefully studying. I was hoping to post some photos but not in the mood right now. I need to have tea and some food, so ciao!

The waiting game

I was given Medical leave by Dr Nik this week, with two CTGs scheduled, one already done last Sunday and another scheduled tomorrow morning. Baby A's heartbeat is stable according to the nurse in the labor ward, ranging from 130 to 180 per minute (180 when he jumps in the womb).

These past two days? Met up Soy and Reni for breakfast. The usual goss around RK and S2. What else is new.....affair sana affair sini. It was good to meet them. We talked about kids, who is doing what etc..

I have been planning for that spring cleaning that never took place a few blog entries ago. Actually I have so many storage space in my house. Not to mention my collection of boxes, tins and baskets courtesy of office mates and my own collection. It is just that I have been so disorganized. Execution is through the two maids that I have right now. Something about organizing that gives me satisfaction.

Updated my TH account and the kids. Nice little nest eggs for the kids, that is, after 10 years of salary deduction. Now to register MrM and I for Hajj, which I berniat to go before turning 45. I am the one with the niat, have not really discussed with MrM, though.

Finally had this Internet connection fixed. My Blackberry roller ball can only turn right at the moment which makes Internet browsing on the Blackberry difficult. Rasa nak campak je Blackberry ni. So barulah lepas membayar bills online, C*lc*m, A*t*o, electricity and payment for another spending.

Today I made myself tired by going to JJ Sban 2. Browsed magazines, books, and in the end bought 2B pencils, glue and Pop Bazic bags in various colors. I told you I am in the mood of being frivolous. Now thinking what to do with these bags.

Much to my delight there was this M'sian food and agriculture exhibition and stalls at the main lobby area in JJ. Huhu! Bought maruku, kerepek bawang, and really delicious frozen foods such as murtabak, kuih kacang, pau sambal, doughnuts, roti arab....habis RM100.00. In fact, I think I should buy more (or get MrM to buy) and stock up. The N Sembilan stall yg jual frozen food ni yg paling sedap after doing my rounds tasting their samples. The bahulu pandan was okay but what spoiled the taste was the chocolate rice that they tarok jugak dalam bahulu pandan tu.

To those reading this blog working in the same organization as me, let's hope Mr RAR's and Ms HH rumours are true. And we should count our blessings when there is so much economic uncertainty now.

Tomorrow I plan to go to office after CTG. Errrgghh! My mind is out of synch with office right now. Tonight I plan to synch-kan balik dengan drafting IFSSC policy framework and write-up of guidelines remaining not yet issued to OPUs. I have been on overdose reading of risk management articles lately. I do have a lot of ideas in my mind right now if the move is confirmed. Not too long now, we will know on Friday after the committee meets on Thursday.

I need to get a haircut. Tomorrow kalau potong rambut kat Saw KLCC, will cost me RM68.00. The guy who cuts my hair is Le. Kalau potong rambut kat Kristine kat Sban, will cost me RM17.00. Potong kat sini jelah. Bukan style macamana pun. Today I wonder if MrM has another badminton game. I may just surprise him there. Manalah tahu.....

Shaved my legs today....licin betul dah. I think it is a bit too late but I have started using this product from L'oc*i*an* that apparently helps reduce water retention. I'd like to think that it does make a difference. Anything for my sanity. I really need to build my strength post delivery. Plan to go for brisk walking once I am strong enough and weight training to tone these flabby arms macam si Michelle Obama tu and continue with the spa treatment at Sispa. What with a little baby to take care of, sleepless nights possibly and not to mention nine months of indulgence, I need to take care of myself first.

This weekend plan to cook the kids favourites. Curry mee, kek pandan ala muffin style, itupun kalau mood ada bagus. Let's see what the doctor says this Friday. Which reminds me I need to get ready my hospital bag. Just in case. Of late, the pressure of the baby's head down there has been stronger. His movements are still vigorous, which makes it difficult for me to walk at times. I am nervous about this C-section and my threshold for pain post delivery and post pain relief medication. The first move turun katil tu yg I seriau memikir2kan.

Glad to be home

Goings on today in bullet points :

• Glad to be home after three nights at the hospital. MrM said that he would go crazy being in the hospital that long. And that was just today while waiting for me to be discharged. Now he knows why I sent him those SOS SMSes last night.
• Baby A's heartbeat seems to be stable now, Alhamdulillah. He is still moving actively, kicking and sometimes the movements are so vigorous it makes me wonder what he is up to inside.
• Most likely the scheduled C-section will be on the week of 29th June. Will know for sure after next appointment with Dr Nik next Friday.
• Decided to organize my finances (that is in the state of disarray after all these purchases) and prioritize things to be completed before delivery.
• Spoke to another old friend this evening and had a good laugh over hal2 merapu as usual.
• Nausea is still there and has not eased one bit. Asked the maid to make fresh orange juice to ease the nausea.
• Things are coming nicely, the new maid is here, she seems hard-working enough, we are as ready as we can be for the new arrival.
• Work is so damning as usual and oh God....I need to complete some really serious stuff before end of next week to complete and before I move divisions, if I move.
• Zarif must have missed me. He was the first to hug me and did so for a long time as soon as I arrived and got out of the car.
• Aliah was too engrossed in the Indonesian series on Astro, but hugged me anyways.
• MrM has gone to play badminton. Thought of going to see him play but decided to list things to do and blog instead.
• Have not decided on baby's name yet. MrM says what choice do I have when he is the one who will do the registration.
• My sister said live to the Power of Now. Trying to, but these are trying times.

36 weeks and counting the days to delivery

Monday night I was not able to find the right sleeping position and needless to say I did not sleep well. Tuesday I knew I had back-to-back meetings that requires me to be prepared and mentally alert. How can I be when I did not have much sleep the night before?

After confirming the arrival of my second order from Nek Rock, and opening the USPS parcel eagerly to see the contents of my frivolous spending, I decided that I was not up to the day at all and told MrM that I needed to see the gynaecologist today since we would not be able to make it on the scheduled appointment on Thursday.

We went, and after waiting awhile, saw the doctor and he confirmed that the baby's size is 36 weeks, weighing already est 2.7kg and placenta is maturing very nicely. And he thinks the delivery will be earlier than later. In order to prepare for the earlier part, he decided on admitting me to GIMC to administer Dexa shots that will help mature the baby's lungs.

I have therefore been here for a day and a half, Dexa administered at 4pm yesterday and 5:30am this morning. These shots are so painful! Nothing beats staying in the hospital to rest, do nothing, relax and not worry so much about work and having a good night's sleep with the help of sleeping tablets. Last night was probably the best sleep I had for a very long time....

MrM went home to pack clothes, toiletries, and very important notebook and internet access and came back around 7pm with Aliah. MrM and Aliah had dinner at D*me downstairs and I had hot chocolate. MrM had spicy olio, Aliah had her usual favourite, fish and chips. It was very relaxed I thought and I had a bit more focus and energy to entertain Aliah a bit. They left last night at about 8:30pm to be in time to pick up Zarif from tuition at 9:30pm.

Today MrM came early to bring me my underwear (he forgot to pack those the day before) and I was underwear-less last night. He went to renew the Accord's insurance and road tax, Dr Nik came and said that I could go out provided I inform the nurses. Quickly called MrM, who was already done with the car insurance and road tax renewal and said let's go out and have lunch together. We had early lunch and then off we went to The Curve to buy some more baby stuff and we bought the bath tub, the carry cot neck snuggle support, blanket and to Ikea to buy a table to put the baby bath tub on. And other things not necessary I thought.

There was one more trip we made to settle the refund of the Brevi bath tub purchase at Planete Enfants that was not to be delivered on time. I don't want to dwell on what went on today. Sufficient to say that the whole experience at Planete Enfants was a bad one and I do not ever want to go there anymore! Customer service is Greek to these people at the rate they went on and on!

A good friend came to visit and we had a nice talk first in the room and then later at D*me. We were room-mates for a good 2 or 3 years in boarding school and although we kept in touch, I have not had the chance to have a one-on-one conversation at this age with her like we did today. Thanks again for your time. It meant a lot to me. At times like this when I also have insecurities of my own, I relish these conversations that allow me to draw from your views, experiences and more importantly your strength.

I am now back into these four walls, another CTG (heartbeat and contraction monitor) scheduled at 9pm. On a more positive note, Munirah has improved significantly evidenced by her first term results and I am very happy for her. That was a good morale booster and if she maintains her performance, MrM will have to dish out the money to buy her the DSLR.

MrM, despite my ups and downs with him this pregnancy, actually has been very supportive of me sometimes at the expense of his health, especially in entertaining my eating idiosyncracies. He rubs my back in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, he showers me with love when I feel so insecure about my body, my skin and the scars from scratching. He sends the kids to tuition, piano classes, camps, their school needs, bicycle rides, soccer games, fooling around with them when all I do is sleep or lounge around in the bedroom. He has been fixing things around the house, plans for this and that, running errands, sending me here and there and I am ever so grateful to my dearest husband for all he does and more for his tender loving care.

Happy Father's Day to all fathers and a special one for the one love of my life, MrM.

Choices you make in life

What a title that is, huh? I wasn't too sure what would be appropriate for this blog entry but decided on that one and you be the judge of the appropriateness of the title, okay?

MrM was telling me months ago about this guy who lives in RK (our residential area) and that he took the VSS from a MNC here in Seremban and was applying for a job at the company where MrM works.

He was finally recruited and I think he must have started duty about a month or two months ago.

I was shocked to hear from MrM last weekend that this guy, whom I shall name, MrA, was diagnosed with lymphoma.

We left office early today to pay him a visit at his home in a different section of the same residential area. We were greeted by his wife, a smiling petite lady who remarked that she knew of MrM since they work in the same organization (she is based in PD, though).

So after the formalities and asking when I am due, they invited us into their home and his first conversation starter was "let's sit at the sofa over there so that your wife is more comfortable". How considerate of him.

So he began his story almost immediately about how he was not feeling well and the indicator was the color of his urine was a very dark shade of brown that told him that something was not quite right. Then began his journey from one medical center to another when finally he was confirmed having lymphoma. The whole story was too long for me to repeat here but sufficient to say, that he had to take matters in his own hands to get to the heart of the matter, what exactly does he have?

What I am about to write is not so much his medical journey but rather MrA's attitude towards the disease which is somewhere between Stage 2 to Stage 3. According to statistics at Stage 2, one has a 75% chance of recovery and living beyond 5 years whereas at Stage 3 the percentge becomes 25. MrA looked pale and because his liver was not functioning very well, which explains the color of his urine and he is a tinge yellowish, even though he says just a week ago his colouring was yellow like someone had painted on him that color.


I thought first when he started the conversation that he was jovial and he said that he needed to come to terms with the disease, both mentally and physically. Then he says that dia "redho" with what God has planned for him and he attributes that to perhaps when he was younger, there were things that he did that was not good and also to the fact that at one time, he had a big row with his mother to the point that he felt was "derhaka" and he would not step into his mother's house. Therefore to him, God is merciful in giving him this dugaan and provides him the opportunity to "mintak ampun" to his ailing mother. Later on he said that he would rather his wife go to work rather than accompany him for his chemo sessions because he didn't want her to be around him all the time to watch him when she could do something better with time. He was quoting the fact that when his father was ill, all they did was sleep at the hospital while he is sleeping and there are times when he needs people around but not all the time.

As the conversation moved on to his mother, how he informed his mother about his disease and if he goes first, he wants his mother's burial plot to be beside his, and him telling us that with this dugaan, he gets to spend more time with his kids now (ages 12, 9 and 6), I could see the sadness in his eyes.....that it must be difficult at times like this to put up a brave front when you know that your time is perhaps limited and yet you are determined to put up a brave fight.

Whether or not he survives to tell his experience is not for anyone to say. Cancer is as much your choice in responding to it mentally as it is in how your body responds to the disease and the onslaught of treatments. He felt that he was more at peace with himself compared to a few years ago and attributes it to the fact that he just came back from performing his Hajj last year and the sense of calm that Hajj provided him in dealing with this disease.

Upon returning home from the visit, I felt sad, to say the least. I have been on an emotional roller-coaster this past 8 months and in retrospect, I felt I complained more than I am grateful with what God has bestowed upon me. I also started thinking about my life, my wrongdoings, my relationship with my own mother, my siblings, my friends and started thinking that I could have done more. I could have taken the easier path of being more consenting, patient, sense of empathy rather than seeing the world only through my lenses and values. I could have played a bigger role in the lives of people who are close to me and mean a lot to me.

I know and I do realize this. This visit is just one of life little reminders on our purpose in this world.....

Call it whatever you want, I feel down

I don't know why I feel this way......guilt, lethargy, not able to concentrate at work, too much work, frustration, aiming for perfection, and a host of other things.

The problem with me is that I worry too much and this trait gets to me sometimes. Just today we were talking about an office colleague whose baby died at 8 months in utero and I start thinking what if that happens to me. Will I be able to handle the emotions of losing a baby?

Then worry over the scheduled C-section this early July. I worry that at this age I will have complications during surgery. I worry that at this age my threshold for pain is lower and would have difficulty moving post delivery. Worry again.

Work is not easing up either. Reality is, in this organization, nobody cares that you are pregnant and tired. Nobody cares that you have too many things on your plate. If I worked till the day before delivery, nobody cares if you do and that makes you jittery that you have had not much rest prior to delivery.

Guilt is this feeling I have that during this pregnancy I have not been able to do much except for sit around, sleep and rest. I have not been spending enough time with my kids. Alone time with each one of them. And they are growing up so quickly. Guilt is the fact that we did not bring them anywhere this school holidays except for a trip to KL for my recent doctor's check. Guilt is the fact that I don't have quality time despite saying I need to have more quality time with them. Guilt is the fact that I rely too much on my maid to do a lot of things. Guilt is when I am not guiding my kids in the way that I want to.

Feeling low is that sometimes I want more attention from MrM and at this point he just doesn't understand my emotional state. Feeling down is when he is in a bad mood I am always to be blamed because he is tired and sometimes my meetings end a bit later. Feeling low is sometimes I need words of assurance from him that everything will be all right but he doesn't. Feeling low is sometime he approaches the world only from his lense and not anyone else's. Feeling low is I feel like I am a tool in this organization where I work. Feeling low is the fact that I feel challenged in the potential new responsibility and have very little confidence. Feeling low is that I snap at people at work, call a spade a spade, and that happens a lot these days and people view me as just making things difficult when my superior is nice to everyone.

Tired is when you try to sleep in the car and you worry that your other half drives like mad. And you can't sleep for fear that if he gets himself into an accident, you die sleeping. Tired is when you expect people to perform to some level of standards but they waste your time through meetings that does not get anywhere. Tired and angry. Tired is when your staff wants to be independent and yet never learns to be tactful and learn the subject matter required out of the job. Tired is telling people there needs to be depth in your thinking but they just don't get the depth that is required.

I do feel a bit low these days....

There can never be enough shoes and bags

I have been indulging since last year and this fascination with shoes and bags must end.......

What can I do that is not too tiring?

First MrM suggested we go to Muar to visit his father. I told him ok, let's go. Then he decided against it, said that it was just a tiring trip and I agreed since my energy level is only up to 2pm, if I am lucky, and then I have to nap.

Then he decided to go to Labu to find used cengal wood to build a pagola and he is on the way there now. I wanted to go to Comfort Home to see curtain materials for the kids' rooms, especially.

Maybe I shall do some housekeeping on my wardrobe (bags and shoes included) but just thinking about it makes me tired.

Spring cleaning kids wardrobe, mana yg muat, mana yg tak muat, mana yg boleh disimpan, mana yg Aliah boleh pakai.

And apasal lah Internet ni slow gila even though it is HSDPA?

And yeay, My DB is coming soon.....tu yg gumbira sangat ni....

Spring cleaning kids bedroom....

Mcm2 lah nak spring clean....

Doctor's appointment today

Today is public holiday for both MrM and I, a replacement for the public holiday that falls on a Saturday, that being the official Agung's birthday tomorrow.

I woke up early, got the kids to get up early and the maid to be ready because tday I have a doctor's appointment at GIMC and MrM needs to bring the maid to renew her passport that will be expiring in January 2010.

I didn't sleep all that well last night and initially woke up at 4:15am and slept in an upright position on the wing chair in our bedroom. I slept until about 5:50am and figured that I might as well get up since I can't really sleep anymore.

We left at about 7:10 am it must have been and headed towards our usual breakfast spot. MrM forgot his handphone and decided to drop us there and get his handphone and the other thing that he forgot, the smart tag.

After breakfast we headed for KL , MrM decided to take the MRR and found ourselves in a traffic jam as we approached the Pandan area. Detoured and took inner roads that paid off and finally reached GIMC at 8:40am it must have been. MrM dropped me, Zarif and Aliah and off they (MrM, Munirah and maid) went to the Indonesian embassy to renew Yati's passport.

I was the first patient yeayy...and while waiting for Dr to arrive I dozed off....feeling the lethargy of sleeplessness last nite. That wasn't too long though, in fact, Zarif slept longer. Dr Nik arrived shortly and I was called in being the first patient.

Since 2 weeks ago, I have put on another 400 grams, urine is clear and my blood pressure is 106/77. I complained about this nausea that has come back, my state of hunger which I think is due to angin and Dr Nik says that could probably be due to my intestines not working too well as I approach my due date.

Zarif and Aliah was called in for the ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed that the baby has turned and no longer in breach position. Baby is estimated to be 2kg by now and looks actively moving about in there. The placenta has a bit of calcium deposits, indicative of a maturing placenta. When asked whether the baby is indeed a boy, Dr Nik pointed to his scrotum and Aliah goes "Scrotum tu apa Ma? Scrotum tu apa Ma?". Tak dapatlah nak explain kat depan doktor tu kan.....tapi eloklah dia bertanya2 tu sebabnya Aliah's ambition is to become a gynaecologist.

Next appointment is in 2 weeks and it looks like the scheduled C-section will be on the week of July 6, 2009.