Reality sinking in

I thought the title of this post would be apt for what goes through my mind today.

No 1

The reality of having a 4th child has not really sank with me, despite what I have wrote in the past, despite getting ready new baby things (almost) and despite carrying this baby in me for the past 9 months. I guess nothing prepares you for motherhood, especially at this age, when you don't have to worry about the kind of care on your kids like you would with a baby. The reaity that this baby may not sleep well at night (and judging from the first three, they do not sleep through the night in the first three years) and feeling tired from lack of sleep.

No 2

After being on medical leave for almost 2 weeks now, the reality that my life for the past 10 years have been very much work, work and work. The sad thing about this is that I remember things about work 10 years ago than I do about specific achievements of my kids. Or milestones in their lives. The sadder thing is, despite given medical leave to rest well before the surgery, I feel like I am worth much less as a person when I do not work. When I am not solving things in office. When I am not reading or reviewing submissions by direct reports. While work has accorded me so many opportunities and experiences and I am getting to be good at what I do, I have let work take control of my life and to the point where I feel I still need to prove my abilities when I should be developing these abilities in others.

No 3

The reality that I will not lose weight that easily after this delivery and recovery may take longer. I had planned to take brisk walks around the residential area 2 weeks after delivery. Slowly at first and building my stamina up as I become stronger. I am not so sure how well I would recover and whether complications may arise. Again it is the guilt and worry over my unhealthy eating habits for the past 9 months. Sweet drinks, curries, masak lemak, pancakes, fried chicken, rice, those are my common indulgence. That my cholesterol level that has improved to 3.5 would probably skyrocket to more than the 5.2 threshold.

No 4

The fourth one has nothing to do with having a baby or recovering post partum. It is about relationships with your other half. Keeping romance alive is not easy to do when you are at this age and is also a question of what one would do to keep it alive. In fact, I don't think of it as romance anymore, rather intimacy that can only be known between the two of us. Putting into perspective these past nine months, "romance" is alive when he asks you whether the colour of his pants today suits the shirt that he is wearing. It is alive when he assures you that the baby will be all right despite the risks of having one at this age. He calls you in the middle of the night when I was almost bonkers after 2 days stay at the hospital. He reminds me of my priorities in life, especially when it comes to kids and work. Comes to KL and the madness of traffic jams to pick me up from work even when he is on leave.

No 5

Reality that I am 43 this year and have a long way to go in deepening my knowledge and devotion to one and only God. That the past 30 years I have been distracted and not perform my obligations as a Muslim fully. I don't want to dwell more of this in this blog. It is just time for me to face this reality and do something about it.