After two cats suspected to be swallowed by a python, Whitey, our cat, age 8 years old, died today of a very bad wound on his head, which was filled with maggots. He had lost one of his eyes and was just whining softly when I called him yesterday.
MrM wanted to get a vet to put Whitey to sleep on Sunday but none of the vets made house calls and the smell from Whitey's wound was just too strong to bring him in a cage into a car. MrM suggested that my maid bring Whitey somewhere and leave him there but I told him after all these years Whitey has been with us, we couldn't possibly do that.
This morning my maid texted me to inform that Whitey had died. She found him all stretched with his mouth open dead in his cage. Whitey never liked me and would just bolt whenever he sees me. If I caught him and tickled him at his chin, he would just lay stiff on the ground and pretended that he didn't like my tickling him. The only two persons he would not run away from are MrM and my maid. In fact, Whitey loves my maid so much that there are times I would catch him waiting outside the bathroom door when my maid is taking a shower. Waiting for my maid to come out, that is. When my maid is sick, he would be sleeping beside her on her bed and sometime would lick her face. When my maid is sweeping the leaves in the lawn outside, he would faithfully wait for my maid to collect the leaves into the garbage bag.
Something about cats that have been with you for cat years that makes you feel sad now that he is gone forever. I was just telling MrM that of all cats that we have had that I miss the most is Whitefeet. And even though Whitey never really liked me, I felt sorry for him, especially when I called him yesterday and he still attempted a soft meow. To me it was as though he was trying to tell me that he is in so much pain.....
I told my maid to get Lan the driver to help her to dig a hole deep enough to bury Whitey before the kids came back from school. They buried him at the unoccupied house behind ours.
MrM said that his only regret was not bring Whitey to the vet the minute he had that wound, which would have been at least a year ago. It could have been cancer or we suspect that Whitey is diabetic because he always had difficulty healing. Or he could have encountered the same snake that took the life of his lifelong companion Whitefeet but managed to escape. We don't know.
I know. It does sound a bit much the way I am going on and on about Whitey. But they have been with us for 8 years for Whitey and 9 years for Whitefeet. Those are long cat years.....to be with us. Zarif, my gentle giant, was the first to call upon returning from school, to inform me that Whitey died. I told him I already knew. He too felt sad. For lack of anything to say, I told him that Whitey had gone to cat heaven.
My two daughters, Munirah and Aliah, life goes on as usual. No mention of Whitey.....
The Purpose of Life is a Life of Purpose
Monday, March 30, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Deciding the delivery date
My actual due date is 31 July 2009. I would be 37 weeks by 10 July. 37 weeks is considered safe to deliver the baby and the all the baby's development would be mature enough.
Dr Nik advised that come 37 weeks and I would be as heavy as I would be that perhaps my previous C-sections would not withstand the weight.
In the last check, he advised me to deliver at 37 weeks.
I am thinking to wait another week and have the C-section at 38 weeks. Which means for now I am deciding to deliver on 17 July 2009.
17.7.2009
Which means 3 1/2 months to go. I am so takut with this C-section. Takut sakit. Takut the spinal does not work on me this time and they have to put me on General Anaesthetic. Takut spinal works and I can't breathe while lying on the operating table.
Paranoid!
Dr Nik advised that come 37 weeks and I would be as heavy as I would be that perhaps my previous C-sections would not withstand the weight.
In the last check, he advised me to deliver at 37 weeks.
I am thinking to wait another week and have the C-section at 38 weeks. Which means for now I am deciding to deliver on 17 July 2009.
17.7.2009
Which means 3 1/2 months to go. I am so takut with this C-section. Takut sakit. Takut the spinal does not work on me this time and they have to put me on General Anaesthetic. Takut spinal works and I can't breathe while lying on the operating table.
Paranoid!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Finishing the KT-Cherating Vacation Story - Final Part
I got distracted with work. I am now continuing the final part of our Cherating vacation tales. We braved the rain to go to Taman Tamadun Islam after the "losong" lunch. You have to pass by the KT Museum to be able to get to Taman Tamadun Islam and the famous Masjid Kristal.
KT Museum reminds me of that trip to Marang Safari Resort when my friend Jie was the resort manager. I think it must have been the year 2000 when I was 4 months pregnant with Aliah. I was 33 then and Zarif was just 1 1/2 years. I was young (relative to now that is) and my butt was able to withstand the 7 hour drive from KL to Marang, 4 months pregnant and with Zarif on my lap throughout the trip. Most of the time curled up against me sleeping. This trip? Don't even ask. Just me and my weight alone (with the baby in utero) I was already suffering from backache. Sigh!
As the car approached Taman Tamadun Islam, we could already see some of the miniature mosques and Zarif, who has been sick due to his asthma, perked up. At that time, it was drizzling and MrM dropped us off at the entrance of the restaurant. I told him that there is no way I would walk around the miniature mosque in my heavy and tired state. I insisted that we must take the tram.
And we had to take the tram because it started raining, lightly and a heavy downpour later. We got ourselves wet because the rain was so heavy that if you sit on the tram pun basah.
Oh God! Cold and wet! And all of us got caught in the rain at some point jumping off the tram into shelter.
Taman Tamadun Islam is not bad for a first time visitor. I think it is educational for kids to learn about the Islamic architecture from the foundation of Islam to present day design and construction. Zarif was certainly very interested while my girls, I think Munirah enjoyed it too but Aliah was perhaps too young to appreciate and enjoyed the tram rides more.
Then another tram ride to Masjid Kristal that wasn't too crystal-like in that rain. Looked around, took photos in the rain, and off we went to get another tram ride back to the main entrance.
That was our visit at Taman Tamadun Islam. Walked to the parking lot (this time I figured I needed to exercise) and that marked the end of our visit to KT.
The drive back to Cherating was rain all the way and in the coastal areas, we noticed some cars stopped just to see the big waves of the South China Sea. As we approached Kemaman, there was traffic jam and nasib baik MrM, on his frequent trips to KSB, knew of another road that led to Kemaman. So we avoided the most of the jam and Tong Juan here we come!
We arrived Tong Juan at about 6:30pm it must have been. This time hujan selebat-lebatnya. Tong Juan was full and the had to set another table for us at the entrance. Ambik ajelah table tu sebab we were a party of eight. Then one family left and we transferred to their table inside the restaurant.
Ordered stuffed crabs, butter prawns, steamed fish, stir-fry garlic kailan and for kids, ginger chicken. Even my maid, who does not eat any seafood at all, enjoyed the stuffed crabs. All I can say is, letih nak hilangkan 9kg prior to this pregnancy and now eating like I've not seen food for the longest time. And the rain helped us eat more since we only had losong for lunch, remember?
Munirah and Aliah followed their Mak Long and Pak Long back to Cherating, while MrM and I (and maid) stopped at a nearby clinic to get Zarif his dose of nebulizer. I think we finally got back to the hotel around 10pm perhaps. I was tired but okay jugaklah, this pregger at 42 mom. Penat tapi taklah penat sangat. I stil had difficulty sleeping malam tu. Sebabnya dah tertidur banyak kali sangat dalam kereta on the way back tadi.
KT Museum reminds me of that trip to Marang Safari Resort when my friend Jie was the resort manager. I think it must have been the year 2000 when I was 4 months pregnant with Aliah. I was 33 then and Zarif was just 1 1/2 years. I was young (relative to now that is) and my butt was able to withstand the 7 hour drive from KL to Marang, 4 months pregnant and with Zarif on my lap throughout the trip. Most of the time curled up against me sleeping. This trip? Don't even ask. Just me and my weight alone (with the baby in utero) I was already suffering from backache. Sigh!
As the car approached Taman Tamadun Islam, we could already see some of the miniature mosques and Zarif, who has been sick due to his asthma, perked up. At that time, it was drizzling and MrM dropped us off at the entrance of the restaurant. I told him that there is no way I would walk around the miniature mosque in my heavy and tired state. I insisted that we must take the tram.
And we had to take the tram because it started raining, lightly and a heavy downpour later. We got ourselves wet because the rain was so heavy that if you sit on the tram pun basah.
Oh God! Cold and wet! And all of us got caught in the rain at some point jumping off the tram into shelter.
Taman Tamadun Islam is not bad for a first time visitor. I think it is educational for kids to learn about the Islamic architecture from the foundation of Islam to present day design and construction. Zarif was certainly very interested while my girls, I think Munirah enjoyed it too but Aliah was perhaps too young to appreciate and enjoyed the tram rides more.
Then another tram ride to Masjid Kristal that wasn't too crystal-like in that rain. Looked around, took photos in the rain, and off we went to get another tram ride back to the main entrance.
That was our visit at Taman Tamadun Islam. Walked to the parking lot (this time I figured I needed to exercise) and that marked the end of our visit to KT.
The drive back to Cherating was rain all the way and in the coastal areas, we noticed some cars stopped just to see the big waves of the South China Sea. As we approached Kemaman, there was traffic jam and nasib baik MrM, on his frequent trips to KSB, knew of another road that led to Kemaman. So we avoided the most of the jam and Tong Juan here we come!
We arrived Tong Juan at about 6:30pm it must have been. This time hujan selebat-lebatnya. Tong Juan was full and the had to set another table for us at the entrance. Ambik ajelah table tu sebab we were a party of eight. Then one family left and we transferred to their table inside the restaurant.
Ordered stuffed crabs, butter prawns, steamed fish, stir-fry garlic kailan and for kids, ginger chicken. Even my maid, who does not eat any seafood at all, enjoyed the stuffed crabs. All I can say is, letih nak hilangkan 9kg prior to this pregnancy and now eating like I've not seen food for the longest time. And the rain helped us eat more since we only had losong for lunch, remember?
Munirah and Aliah followed their Mak Long and Pak Long back to Cherating, while MrM and I (and maid) stopped at a nearby clinic to get Zarif his dose of nebulizer. I think we finally got back to the hotel around 10pm perhaps. I was tired but okay jugaklah, this pregger at 42 mom. Penat tapi taklah penat sangat. I stil had difficulty sleeping malam tu. Sebabnya dah tertidur banyak kali sangat dalam kereta on the way back tadi.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
22 weeks and choosing battles worth fighting
A week has passed since we came back from Cherating and the way I feel right now, it is as though we never went for vacation.
Call it whatever you want this past week....hectic, slumdog, downright mad, running just to stand still, frenzy....okay, okay....not slumdog...had to exaggerate a bit....
I admit that I lost my temper a few times in the office perhaps out of irritation and not able to be rational about the state of things. Being too principled does not help either. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow. Or put it another way, you have to choose your battles.
That is right. I have to learn that not all battles are worth fighting. Like I do with my kids these days. All three have obtained their first term test results and generally they have improved. I am less focussed on whether they obtain As but that they have improved. My neighbour once said that whenever the twin daughters of a friend of hers would show their exam results, regardless what the results are, she would just say, "well done, very good, you have done your best..." or something to that effect. It didn't matter what the grades were, but what mattered is the child's emotional well-being and that we recognize that any effort is still an effort.
That friend has since migrated to New Zealand and my neighbour has since moved to Brunei. Yeah....Anne is English married to a Malay and her friend is a New Zealander married to an Indian. They have long decided that the education approach here is not for their kids.
As opposed to another mother here, whose son does well in school, obtained 99% for God knows what subject, and demanded the teacher to explain why 1% was taken off from her son results, in other words he ought to be getting 100%.
I don't have that expectations anymore. I used to and it stressed the hell out of me and it did nothing to my kids grades. The more you pressure them, the more they (my kids) loathe school and school work. And of course it does nothing to my relationship with them.
I lost my temper last Sunday when I found out that Zarif has been drinking ice-water when he complains about his asthma all the time. And when he has been told not to drink ice-water. I shouted at him and in the car on the way to hospital to send him to have his ear infection checked, I realised that he was very quiet. While waiting to see the MO at the hospital, I apologized to him and said that I didn't mean to shout at him. Zarif, my gentle giant, just broke down and cried. Simply said, I felt bad. Zarif is just being a child. Like I did when I was his age and drank the F&N Orange during Hari Raya and suffered asthma attack in the middle of the night. I don't recall my parents ever shouting at me on drinking F&N Orange. All my late father did was change and sent me to hospital for my jab (those days there were no nebulizer) and waited for me to recover. Why did I do that to him? Why? I have no words to explain except irrationality takes over and I go berserk!
Back to work situation, most times I do set such high expectations on myself in responding to any circumstances. Sometimes I express my opinions too strongly. I recognize that and then rationalize that later. Both creates the stress for me and in a way for my direct reports, too.
That is why I need to choose the battles worth fighting. The organization was not built in a day and I can't change things in a day, too. Everything has to follow a certain process.
Baby is moving very actively and I have not been able to sleep for the past three nights. My skin itches, my back hurts, insomnia too perhaps, all that contribute to poor quality seep....
Call it whatever you want this past week....hectic, slumdog, downright mad, running just to stand still, frenzy....okay, okay....not slumdog...had to exaggerate a bit....
I admit that I lost my temper a few times in the office perhaps out of irritation and not able to be rational about the state of things. Being too principled does not help either. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow. Or put it another way, you have to choose your battles.
That is right. I have to learn that not all battles are worth fighting. Like I do with my kids these days. All three have obtained their first term test results and generally they have improved. I am less focussed on whether they obtain As but that they have improved. My neighbour once said that whenever the twin daughters of a friend of hers would show their exam results, regardless what the results are, she would just say, "well done, very good, you have done your best..." or something to that effect. It didn't matter what the grades were, but what mattered is the child's emotional well-being and that we recognize that any effort is still an effort.
That friend has since migrated to New Zealand and my neighbour has since moved to Brunei. Yeah....Anne is English married to a Malay and her friend is a New Zealander married to an Indian. They have long decided that the education approach here is not for their kids.
As opposed to another mother here, whose son does well in school, obtained 99% for God knows what subject, and demanded the teacher to explain why 1% was taken off from her son results, in other words he ought to be getting 100%.
I don't have that expectations anymore. I used to and it stressed the hell out of me and it did nothing to my kids grades. The more you pressure them, the more they (my kids) loathe school and school work. And of course it does nothing to my relationship with them.
I lost my temper last Sunday when I found out that Zarif has been drinking ice-water when he complains about his asthma all the time. And when he has been told not to drink ice-water. I shouted at him and in the car on the way to hospital to send him to have his ear infection checked, I realised that he was very quiet. While waiting to see the MO at the hospital, I apologized to him and said that I didn't mean to shout at him. Zarif, my gentle giant, just broke down and cried. Simply said, I felt bad. Zarif is just being a child. Like I did when I was his age and drank the F&N Orange during Hari Raya and suffered asthma attack in the middle of the night. I don't recall my parents ever shouting at me on drinking F&N Orange. All my late father did was change and sent me to hospital for my jab (those days there were no nebulizer) and waited for me to recover. Why did I do that to him? Why? I have no words to explain except irrationality takes over and I go berserk!
Back to work situation, most times I do set such high expectations on myself in responding to any circumstances. Sometimes I express my opinions too strongly. I recognize that and then rationalize that later. Both creates the stress for me and in a way for my direct reports, too.
That is why I need to choose the battles worth fighting. The organization was not built in a day and I can't change things in a day, too. Everything has to follow a certain process.
Baby is moving very actively and I have not been able to sleep for the past three nights. My skin itches, my back hurts, insomnia too perhaps, all that contribute to poor quality seep....
Sunday, March 22, 2009
The tale of two kittens
This posting is in relation to the two kitten that have occupied the top of my blog since its inception. I have decided to replace the kitten photos with a picture taken by my eldest daughter in PD December last year.
We were given the two kittens sometime May or June last year by a neighbour. I am not too sure what the circumstances were but my neighbour, whom I shall call, BH, already had another cat, which I believe is to accompany his only child and daughter, SM. The understanding was, SM wanted the striped kitten, and we could have the white one.
Both kittens were adorable, and the white kitten had blue eyes and resembles a Siamese cat. Both kittens were supposedly born from the same cat, therefore siblings. They were afraid of their new surroundings; therefore we kept them in the cage all the time until such time when we felt that they are old enough to be released.
BH's daughter wanted the striped kitten back, so we returned to her that one and kept the white one. We called him Spikey. And he was very much loved by my kids, particularly Aliah and Zarif. Spikey was quite an eater and he grew so quickly before our very eyes and at 6 months old he was as big as Whitefeet, our 8 year old cat.
Oh yes, we had another cat called Whitey who only responds to my maid and MrM. He would bolt whenever he saw me and MrM said I just have a mean look about me that cats can just detect if they are in contact with me. Maybe. I used to love cats and had one before I had kids by the name RebeccaDeMornay. After work, I would just play with the cat reflective of my mind then, I guess. These days I am so preoccupied with God knows what that playing with cats is the last thing in my mind.....
What happened in the end? The striped kitten apparently pooped on BH's mattress, made him upset and wanted to replace the mattress and he threw away the kitten at the nearby club. What a pity. I think SH was so taken with that little kitten and let it roam around in the house without proper litter training him.
Spikey was a beautiful cat that disappeared after Whitefeet disappeared. We thought that perhaps Whitefeet got knocked down by a car and died. Until one early morning we heard a commotion behind our house and found out that the security guards had found a big python all curled up in a neighbours' drain.
That is when we realised that both Whitefeet and Spikey must have been eaten by the snake and died.
Zarif kept saying "kesian" at the thought of Whitefeet and Spikey's last moments and their horror when they stumbled upon that snake. I told Zarif not to imagine such things and just accept that both Whitefeet and Spikey are gone forever......
We were given the two kittens sometime May or June last year by a neighbour. I am not too sure what the circumstances were but my neighbour, whom I shall call, BH, already had another cat, which I believe is to accompany his only child and daughter, SM. The understanding was, SM wanted the striped kitten, and we could have the white one.
Both kittens were adorable, and the white kitten had blue eyes and resembles a Siamese cat. Both kittens were supposedly born from the same cat, therefore siblings. They were afraid of their new surroundings; therefore we kept them in the cage all the time until such time when we felt that they are old enough to be released.
BH's daughter wanted the striped kitten back, so we returned to her that one and kept the white one. We called him Spikey. And he was very much loved by my kids, particularly Aliah and Zarif. Spikey was quite an eater and he grew so quickly before our very eyes and at 6 months old he was as big as Whitefeet, our 8 year old cat.
Oh yes, we had another cat called Whitey who only responds to my maid and MrM. He would bolt whenever he saw me and MrM said I just have a mean look about me that cats can just detect if they are in contact with me. Maybe. I used to love cats and had one before I had kids by the name RebeccaDeMornay. After work, I would just play with the cat reflective of my mind then, I guess. These days I am so preoccupied with God knows what that playing with cats is the last thing in my mind.....
What happened in the end? The striped kitten apparently pooped on BH's mattress, made him upset and wanted to replace the mattress and he threw away the kitten at the nearby club. What a pity. I think SH was so taken with that little kitten and let it roam around in the house without proper litter training him.
Spikey was a beautiful cat that disappeared after Whitefeet disappeared. We thought that perhaps Whitefeet got knocked down by a car and died. Until one early morning we heard a commotion behind our house and found out that the security guards had found a big python all curled up in a neighbours' drain.
That is when we realised that both Whitefeet and Spikey must have been eaten by the snake and died.
Zarif kept saying "kesian" at the thought of Whitefeet and Spikey's last moments and their horror when they stumbled upon that snake. I told Zarif not to imagine such things and just accept that both Whitefeet and Spikey are gone forever......
Shopping
Both MrM and I, at my insistence, went to Planet Enfants sale at Wisma Atria in KL, yesterday. I had planned on getting baby stuff sometime in May or June, nearer to my delivery date. I figured there is a sale, March salary is already in the bank account, so why not go to this sale and see if there is anything of interest.
I have not been into buying baby stuff (why would I need to after all these years) and most of the time I would go to Mothercare at Suria KLCC to buy Aliah's clothes or baby gifts for friends. The last time I was pregnant I didn't need to buy a lot of things since there were still hand-me-downs from the first two and sisters. I was indeed amazed at the demand for baby equipment particularly and they are not cheap! Those days when I had my first baby I couldn't afford a lot of things but these days, young pregnant mothers can afford paying close to RM2,000.00 for stroller and carrier?
I did feel as though I was the elder primate there since most of the pregnant mothers or mothers with babies were young and the one Caucasian couple who looked older than us had toddlers that are Asian, so they must have adopted.
The choices were many.....In strollers, MrM primary consideration was utility (but of course!) and how compact the stroller frame would be once collapsed. The ones with the big wheels are sporty looking but when collapsed the frame is big (even with the one we bought MrM is considering buying the fridge box Alphard).
After demonstration of a few strollers/carrier cots, we decided on buying a packaged deal consisting of :
I have not been into buying baby stuff (why would I need to after all these years) and most of the time I would go to Mothercare at Suria KLCC to buy Aliah's clothes or baby gifts for friends. The last time I was pregnant I didn't need to buy a lot of things since there were still hand-me-downs from the first two and sisters. I was indeed amazed at the demand for baby equipment particularly and they are not cheap! Those days when I had my first baby I couldn't afford a lot of things but these days, young pregnant mothers can afford paying close to RM2,000.00 for stroller and carrier?
I did feel as though I was the elder primate there since most of the pregnant mothers or mothers with babies were young and the one Caucasian couple who looked older than us had toddlers that are Asian, so they must have adopted.
The choices were many.....In strollers, MrM primary consideration was utility (but of course!) and how compact the stroller frame would be once collapsed. The ones with the big wheels are sporty looking but when collapsed the frame is big (even with the one we bought MrM is considering buying the fridge box Alphard).
After demonstration of a few strollers/carrier cots, we decided on buying a packaged deal consisting of :
- Peg-Perego Viaggio Tri-Fix
- Peg-Perego Stroller
- PegPerego Melodia Rocker
- Peg-Perego Pappa Diner (High Chair)
- Luciole Baby Cot (plus bedding sheets)
- Safe and Sound Latex Mattress
- Teraillon Bottle Sterilizer
- BathTub
- And something else I can't remember from Teraillon (this one reminds me that I have to check what the duck I bought)
Paid a a hefty sum for all that since Peg-Perego baby stuff are all from Italy. After all that spending, not to mention paying for the Cherating vacation, bulan ni duduk diam-diam.....
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Stomach size and worried about baby
I thought I wanted to share my state of paranoia today. First is the fact that at 21 weeks, my stomach is the size of 28 weeks. Second, I can hardly feel the baby move today. I started thinking of all the worst case possibilities and kept feeling my stomach with my hands to see if I can feel the little nudges that reaffirms that baby is still alive.
Arrived home at about 9pm, Aliah was crying because she is unwell and needed to be brought to the clinic. I asked the doctor to do an ultrasound to check if baby is okay.....and baby is......moving still and topsy turvy in the sac....
Ever since 12 March my last appointment, I have been worried to the point of being paranoid......
Arrived home at about 9pm, Aliah was crying because she is unwell and needed to be brought to the clinic. I asked the doctor to do an ultrasound to check if baby is okay.....and baby is......moving still and topsy turvy in the sac....
Ever since 12 March my last appointment, I have been worried to the point of being paranoid......
Monday, March 16, 2009
Vacation Part 2 KT here we come
When you are on vacation, you seem to eat like there is no tomorrow. That was the case for me, not so much I wanted to eat but finding the food that suits my hormone laden tastebuds. After breakfast at the hotel with a view of the rough morning seas, we got ourselves ready to go to Kuala Terengganu. A heavy downpour which began the night before continued through morning and we figured, yeah, surely it will stop raining sometime today.
We were wrong. Except for a bit of sunshine between Cherating and Kijal, the rest of the trip into KT and back was just rain. And it got worst as we were approaching KT. The wind must have been very strong evidenced by coconut trees swaying to one side and the rough South China Seas with its huge surfer waves crashing to the shore. It took us 3 hours to get into KT. And that was with MrM driving like crazy. I was not able to sleep worried if we got ourselves into an accident, I would die sleeping. (Yeah, like consciousness would make dying any better) I was so hungry by then and told MrM the first thing we have to do when we arrive KT is EAT. Yes eat with capital letters. Food again.
I wanted to have the keropok losong at that very place I had them for the first time in 2006 and all I remembered was the shop was connected to a house and the house was pink in color. Not much help there, I know, but I am from Seremban folks and apart from having no sense of direction, I don't have a sense that KT is so much bigger than Seremban!
We drove into KT town centre and followed the directions to Pasar Payang. Getting to Pasar Payang, in the rain, with other cars with the same intentions, was a challenge by itself. We were lucky we secured parking right in front of the Pasar! Alas Pak Long and Mak Long (who had Aliah in their car) took sometime to find parking. When we finally met again at the entrance of the Pasar, we went straight to the wet market to see what we can buy.
I ended up buying 1kg of local daging serunding, roti bun that looked so fluffy (tapi taste taklah sefluffy mana), little pandan dodol for Zarif (Zarif loves anything with pandan) and MrM bought kuih bahulu bakar and the bahulu is the size of your mouse okay? 4 for RM1.00. He went berserk with those bahulus. Then we went upstairs, more for Pak Long and Mak Long. I think they bought kain batik and I bought Aliah a Made in Thailand ragdoll for RM8.00. Aliah was certainly happy with the RM8 ragdoll despite its low quality appearance and make. My kids....despite all the expensive toys, the ones that make them happy are the cheap ones and till today Aliah sleeps with that ragdoll.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that since I am the pregnant woman and I want to eat that keropok losong at the very same place, I texted my friend Pyl to find out directions to go there. I even texted a boss from office who is from KT as to where the location of this place where we had the keropok losong, without realizing that she is in San Diego!
Pyl's directions were okay, but MrM doubted my ability to INTERPRET directions. To top it of, the signposts around KT are all near the traffic lights, meaning as you approach the traffic light r junction then only you would be able to see whether to go straight, turn left or right. So mulalah marah, upset....yalah semua perut tengah berkeroncong the last decent meal was our breakfast in Cherating. The 3 hour drive to KT, the cold rainy weather and the Pasar Payang shopping, isn't it any wonder that all of us were already hungry? With Pyl's guide, we followed directions towards Taman Tamadun Islam and by a stroke of luck, we finally found Kg Losong (and they were many Losong, I tell ya).
The first time I was there I had the benefit of the van driver to ferry us around. I was in KT three years ago to conduct interviews for local university scholars. The van driver brought us everywhere and waited for us. The second time, Wan Noor borrowed her cousin's car and brought us around to all the same places i.e. Pasar Payang, Losong and Noor Arfa batik outlet. I am hopeless in finding directions and the two instances I was there I never bothered to remember directions. MrM should know that by now when many years ago we were traveling as students where with me as a co-pilot, what was supposed to be directions to Dallas from Houston became San Antonio instead, or was it just going round and round the Houston circle road.....I don't remember....
When we finally got to the shop, we ordered RM9.00 of losong to be shared amongst the eight of us. It was cold, the losong was hot from the kuali, we were ravenous, and that became the most wanted losong for all of us.....
Thank you Pleda.....for the help in directions. And yes aku nampak Norai Keropok Lekor tu.....camana ek tak ada exclusivity pulak dah nama tu...
And the day is not over yet for us.....to be continued.....
We were wrong. Except for a bit of sunshine between Cherating and Kijal, the rest of the trip into KT and back was just rain. And it got worst as we were approaching KT. The wind must have been very strong evidenced by coconut trees swaying to one side and the rough South China Seas with its huge surfer waves crashing to the shore. It took us 3 hours to get into KT. And that was with MrM driving like crazy. I was not able to sleep worried if we got ourselves into an accident, I would die sleeping. (Yeah, like consciousness would make dying any better) I was so hungry by then and told MrM the first thing we have to do when we arrive KT is EAT. Yes eat with capital letters. Food again.
I wanted to have the keropok losong at that very place I had them for the first time in 2006 and all I remembered was the shop was connected to a house and the house was pink in color. Not much help there, I know, but I am from Seremban folks and apart from having no sense of direction, I don't have a sense that KT is so much bigger than Seremban!
We drove into KT town centre and followed the directions to Pasar Payang. Getting to Pasar Payang, in the rain, with other cars with the same intentions, was a challenge by itself. We were lucky we secured parking right in front of the Pasar! Alas Pak Long and Mak Long (who had Aliah in their car) took sometime to find parking. When we finally met again at the entrance of the Pasar, we went straight to the wet market to see what we can buy.
I ended up buying 1kg of local daging serunding, roti bun that looked so fluffy (tapi taste taklah sefluffy mana), little pandan dodol for Zarif (Zarif loves anything with pandan) and MrM bought kuih bahulu bakar and the bahulu is the size of your mouse okay? 4 for RM1.00. He went berserk with those bahulus. Then we went upstairs, more for Pak Long and Mak Long. I think they bought kain batik and I bought Aliah a Made in Thailand ragdoll for RM8.00. Aliah was certainly happy with the RM8 ragdoll despite its low quality appearance and make. My kids....despite all the expensive toys, the ones that make them happy are the cheap ones and till today Aliah sleeps with that ragdoll.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that since I am the pregnant woman and I want to eat that keropok losong at the very same place, I texted my friend Pyl to find out directions to go there. I even texted a boss from office who is from KT as to where the location of this place where we had the keropok losong, without realizing that she is in San Diego!
Pyl's directions were okay, but MrM doubted my ability to INTERPRET directions. To top it of, the signposts around KT are all near the traffic lights, meaning as you approach the traffic light r junction then only you would be able to see whether to go straight, turn left or right. So mulalah marah, upset....yalah semua perut tengah berkeroncong the last decent meal was our breakfast in Cherating. The 3 hour drive to KT, the cold rainy weather and the Pasar Payang shopping, isn't it any wonder that all of us were already hungry? With Pyl's guide, we followed directions towards Taman Tamadun Islam and by a stroke of luck, we finally found Kg Losong (and they were many Losong, I tell ya).
The first time I was there I had the benefit of the van driver to ferry us around. I was in KT three years ago to conduct interviews for local university scholars. The van driver brought us everywhere and waited for us. The second time, Wan Noor borrowed her cousin's car and brought us around to all the same places i.e. Pasar Payang, Losong and Noor Arfa batik outlet. I am hopeless in finding directions and the two instances I was there I never bothered to remember directions. MrM should know that by now when many years ago we were traveling as students where with me as a co-pilot, what was supposed to be directions to Dallas from Houston became San Antonio instead, or was it just going round and round the Houston circle road.....I don't remember....
When we finally got to the shop, we ordered RM9.00 of losong to be shared amongst the eight of us. It was cold, the losong was hot from the kuali, we were ravenous, and that became the most wanted losong for all of us.....
Thank you Pleda.....for the help in directions. And yes aku nampak Norai Keropok Lekor tu.....camana ek tak ada exclusivity pulak dah nama tu...
And the day is not over yet for us.....to be continued.....
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Vacation Part 1
Having deliberated trips to Hong Kong, Phuket and Bali and the fact that I thought first term school break began on the 21st March instead of 14th March, we finally decided on a short 4 days 3 nights trip to Cherating.
And thank God it was Cherating. When I was drawing up my ambitious plans to go to Disneyland Hong Kong, MrM questioned whether I would be up to the plane trip and walking around in Disneyland. I immediately thought of Afifah, who went to Egypt when she was about 5 or 6 months then, and said sure I am up to it. I won't be queuing for the Space Mountain ride, but surely there are seats around Disneyland or little cafes where I could rest.....
That was Hong Kong. The preparation for the Cherating trip and the trip itself had take its toll on me that I was just ready to snap to anyone who disturbed my nap in the afternoon. I was exhausted. Let alone Hong Kong. I guess MrM knew me better than I know myself.
The kids were happy to be going somewhere. And this vacation would be our third time here at this resort, courtesy of a friend whe facilitated the booking based on our last minute decision to come here. And they knew that each chalet came with a swimming pool and they had a ball in the pool till 7:30pm.
So here I am, typing away while MrM is in the living room watching the ManU vs. Liverpool soccer game. Liverpool leading 3-1 as I type. Not that it made much difference to me since I have never, and I repeat, never been interested in soccer.
This baby kept pretty quiet throughout the car trip here and I could only feel the baby's movements later in the evening. My right hip hurts and this is common in previous pregnancies as well. The hardest part right now is getting up after sitting. Adoi mak sakit....
And thank God it was Cherating. When I was drawing up my ambitious plans to go to Disneyland Hong Kong, MrM questioned whether I would be up to the plane trip and walking around in Disneyland. I immediately thought of Afifah, who went to Egypt when she was about 5 or 6 months then, and said sure I am up to it. I won't be queuing for the Space Mountain ride, but surely there are seats around Disneyland or little cafes where I could rest.....
That was Hong Kong. The preparation for the Cherating trip and the trip itself had take its toll on me that I was just ready to snap to anyone who disturbed my nap in the afternoon. I was exhausted. Let alone Hong Kong. I guess MrM knew me better than I know myself.
The kids were happy to be going somewhere. And this vacation would be our third time here at this resort, courtesy of a friend whe facilitated the booking based on our last minute decision to come here. And they knew that each chalet came with a swimming pool and they had a ball in the pool till 7:30pm.
So here I am, typing away while MrM is in the living room watching the ManU vs. Liverpool soccer game. Liverpool leading 3-1 as I type. Not that it made much difference to me since I have never, and I repeat, never been interested in soccer.
This baby kept pretty quiet throughout the car trip here and I could only feel the baby's movements later in the evening. My right hip hurts and this is common in previous pregnancies as well. The hardest part right now is getting up after sitting. Adoi mak sakit....
Friday, March 13, 2009
When a life is based on statistics
12th March was the 5 months appointment with my gynaecologist. As I had mentioned earlier, I was looking forward to this checkup for a few reasons.
First, I wanted to know the results of the blood test taken at 4 months. Second, from that blood test I wanted to know what th next steps would be. Third, I wanted to see the progress of the baby.
That wasn't too much to expect, right?
I had put on another 1.7kg, the urine test came out okay in so far as sugar level is concerned, and my blood pressure was 100/65.
Then the doctor interpreted the blood test results.
And they were.......
I had an Increased Risk for Down's Syndrome and a Low Risk for Neural Tube Defects.
The Increased Risk for Down's Syndrome is based on :
That at my age statistically there is 1 in 47 (0.02%) chance of getting a Down's Syndrome baby but my blood test revealed that I had 1 in 133 (0.007%) chance of getting a Down's Syndrome baby.
Apart from that the doctor said, I had a good level of hemoglobin, cholesterol levels were also okay, and I still have the immunisation from rubella and hepatitis.
We proceeded to have the ultrasound scan and Dr Nik went through quite a bit of detail in the baby's development. Everything and that meant the brain, skull, limbs, heart, and I can't remember what else, were indicative of a normal baby.
After much trying, Dr Nik finally was able to scan in between the legs and it is confirmed a BOY!!! MrM noticed the little birdie and something shooting out from it and asked the doctor "Is the baby peeing, Doctor?" and good old Dr Nik said "Yes looks like he is and that is a very rare sight to be able to see that in the womb. That is a good sign, though, that the kidneys are working....."
We sat down again to discuss the blood test results and what our options were.
In summary, there is 0.007% chance that the baby could have chomosomal abnormalities but performing an amniocentesis has a 1% chance of miscarriage or bleeding of the placenta.
The ultrasound is indicative of a normal baby and the nuchal translucency (NT) at 10 weeks was 1.2mm is also indicative of a normal baby (abnormality would be NT of 4 to 5mm or greater)
Therefore the first order decision is whether we would want to find out and confirm the 0.007% chance of whether the baby has any chromosomal abnormalities at the risk of 1% chance of a miscarriage.
The second order decision, if the roulette wheel points to me and confirms the 0.007% chance, then the question of whether we are prepared to terminate the pregnancy.
Duh? I had a headache just listening to all the statistical probabilities. And that coming from someone like me whose profession relies on statistics i.e. that based on a normal distribution, the value at risk of USD10 million at 95% confidence interval means that the maximum loss a portfolio could have with a 95% statistical confidence is USD10 million which also means that there is 5% chance that the loss could be greater than USD10 million.
I think I was most disturbed not so much of the statistical probabilities but the question of terminating the pregnancy if we knew that the baby indeed had chromosomal abnormalities. What went through my mind was just a few minutes ago we saw the baby moving actively in utero and the next minute you are discussing about termination.
Much as this baby was unexpected, especially at my age, I have accepted this as God's gift to us and God has chosen this gift and challenge for me. (Al-Baqarah beginning of ayat 286 ==> Allah tidak akan memberati seseorang melainkan apa yang terdaya olehya) I cannot bring myself to even think about termination even if I found out.
But I was disturbed and started thinking about the 0.007% chance and less of the rest of the good news based on the ultrasound. I was mentally tired by the end of the appointment and true to my downside risk nature, I started thinking of all worst case scenarios.
MrM sent me to work and I was not able to concentrate coupled with the headache I had since morning. I excused myself from the meeting at 11:30am and left for lunch with HH. I needed to get out. I needed someone to talk to. Even then I texted MrM and expressed my feelings. That I am feeling so depressed and so down. I was on the verge of tears. I wanted to go home and sleep this off.
Lucky for me MrM had meetings, which meant I couldn't go home and after lunch I was involved in a series of interesting discussions, meetings and conference calls. In a way, my mind was no longer focused on this morning and some issues at work that needed immediate resolution allowed me to forget.
I left office at 6:45pm and on the way home, MrM, sensing that I was still thinking about this morning said that this was a small risk compared to the risk we take everyday in our lives. I guess he was trying to soothe my worries away and I needed someone to put things into perspective for me. MrM said that there were more good things mentioned by Dr Nik than they were negative.
First, I wanted to know the results of the blood test taken at 4 months. Second, from that blood test I wanted to know what th next steps would be. Third, I wanted to see the progress of the baby.
That wasn't too much to expect, right?
I had put on another 1.7kg, the urine test came out okay in so far as sugar level is concerned, and my blood pressure was 100/65.
Then the doctor interpreted the blood test results.
And they were.......
I had an Increased Risk for Down's Syndrome and a Low Risk for Neural Tube Defects.
The Increased Risk for Down's Syndrome is based on :
That at my age statistically there is 1 in 47 (0.02%) chance of getting a Down's Syndrome baby but my blood test revealed that I had 1 in 133 (0.007%) chance of getting a Down's Syndrome baby.
Apart from that the doctor said, I had a good level of hemoglobin, cholesterol levels were also okay, and I still have the immunisation from rubella and hepatitis.
We proceeded to have the ultrasound scan and Dr Nik went through quite a bit of detail in the baby's development. Everything and that meant the brain, skull, limbs, heart, and I can't remember what else, were indicative of a normal baby.
After much trying, Dr Nik finally was able to scan in between the legs and it is confirmed a BOY!!! MrM noticed the little birdie and something shooting out from it and asked the doctor "Is the baby peeing, Doctor?" and good old Dr Nik said "Yes looks like he is and that is a very rare sight to be able to see that in the womb. That is a good sign, though, that the kidneys are working....."
We sat down again to discuss the blood test results and what our options were.
In summary, there is 0.007% chance that the baby could have chomosomal abnormalities but performing an amniocentesis has a 1% chance of miscarriage or bleeding of the placenta.
The ultrasound is indicative of a normal baby and the nuchal translucency (NT) at 10 weeks was 1.2mm is also indicative of a normal baby (abnormality would be NT of 4 to 5mm or greater)
Therefore the first order decision is whether we would want to find out and confirm the 0.007% chance of whether the baby has any chromosomal abnormalities at the risk of 1% chance of a miscarriage.
The second order decision, if the roulette wheel points to me and confirms the 0.007% chance, then the question of whether we are prepared to terminate the pregnancy.
Duh? I had a headache just listening to all the statistical probabilities. And that coming from someone like me whose profession relies on statistics i.e. that based on a normal distribution, the value at risk of USD10 million at 95% confidence interval means that the maximum loss a portfolio could have with a 95% statistical confidence is USD10 million which also means that there is 5% chance that the loss could be greater than USD10 million.
I think I was most disturbed not so much of the statistical probabilities but the question of terminating the pregnancy if we knew that the baby indeed had chromosomal abnormalities. What went through my mind was just a few minutes ago we saw the baby moving actively in utero and the next minute you are discussing about termination.
Much as this baby was unexpected, especially at my age, I have accepted this as God's gift to us and God has chosen this gift and challenge for me. (Al-Baqarah beginning of ayat 286 ==> Allah tidak akan memberati seseorang melainkan apa yang terdaya olehya) I cannot bring myself to even think about termination even if I found out.
But I was disturbed and started thinking about the 0.007% chance and less of the rest of the good news based on the ultrasound. I was mentally tired by the end of the appointment and true to my downside risk nature, I started thinking of all worst case scenarios.
MrM sent me to work and I was not able to concentrate coupled with the headache I had since morning. I excused myself from the meeting at 11:30am and left for lunch with HH. I needed to get out. I needed someone to talk to. Even then I texted MrM and expressed my feelings. That I am feeling so depressed and so down. I was on the verge of tears. I wanted to go home and sleep this off.
Lucky for me MrM had meetings, which meant I couldn't go home and after lunch I was involved in a series of interesting discussions, meetings and conference calls. In a way, my mind was no longer focused on this morning and some issues at work that needed immediate resolution allowed me to forget.
I left office at 6:45pm and on the way home, MrM, sensing that I was still thinking about this morning said that this was a small risk compared to the risk we take everyday in our lives. I guess he was trying to soothe my worries away and I needed someone to put things into perspective for me. MrM said that there were more good things mentioned by Dr Nik than they were negative.
I agree. I just needed to have that faith. Being pregnant as many times as I have (this is the 7th after all, with three resulting in the children I have now) I have always tended to worry anyway.
I am due 31 July 2009 but will be able to deliver this baby at 37 weeks, which is on 10 July 2009. That would be a Friday. I am thinking of the week of 13 uly 2009.
Monday, March 09, 2009
Sleeping bliss
The weekend has been spent recuperating from the lack of sleep the week before by sleeping with a vengeance. The weather is just conducive for sleeping. And this is to prepare myself for the week ahead.
I managed to do some work, still falling short of one huge deliverable that is due by this month. This I managed to do in the midst of supervising kids with their revisions. What can I do? I don't consistently monitor their homework or revisions on a daily basis. Most times I am too tired to do anything when I get home. Zarif needs a bit of coaching in Maths and BM. Especially with Std 5 fractions. He hates Maths and already forms a mental block to that subject. Even though he can actually solve mathematical problems, he says he can't because of this mental block. In BM he seems to be doing all right with Tatabahasa but struggles with the Bina Ayat and Karangan bit. And I make things worse by telling him "ha, dah tak baca buku macamana nak cari idea nak buat karangan!"
Munirah on the other hand loves Maths and always excelled in this subject. When I say excelled tu, she gets As laa most of the time tapi not lah 100% type of As.
Which brings me to the next point and frustration I have with the emphasis of our education system these days. Getting 8As is sooo important relative to seeing the incremental improvements in students. Kalau tak dapat 8As, then you have not arrived? Arrived where? I have interviewed many fresh graduates and experienced people, and I can say that what gets you into the organization is no 1, ability to communicate, no 2 one's breadth and depth in analytical thinking (not in Maths or Science) in doing the case study. Then we look at your credentials. But credentials alone are not enough maaa.....
Anyway back to where I was. Sometimes I feel so stretched in terms of the amount that I have on my plate relative to certain others. I think maybe I am not working smart or even perhaps setting too high an expectation on myself. It is that. I know that I do set high expectations on FRM staff in terms of responsiveness to clients, analytical capabilities, problem solving, process orientation, writing and communication skills, but I have been subject to such standards myself when I was younger reporting to "not easy to please" bosses. And I don't think I am alone here.
Enough on work. Work is work and will never end. Although I am thankful to still have a job given the state of the global and local economy, as MrM always say "you don't have to sell your soul to your work". Hmmm......if that is the case, is it any wonder why MrM always asks if I am listening to what the kids or he is saying (as in knock! knock! are you there?). My soul is never at peace because work beckons.....
Can I leave this job and bake muffins and decorated cupcakes for a living?
I managed to do some work, still falling short of one huge deliverable that is due by this month. This I managed to do in the midst of supervising kids with their revisions. What can I do? I don't consistently monitor their homework or revisions on a daily basis. Most times I am too tired to do anything when I get home. Zarif needs a bit of coaching in Maths and BM. Especially with Std 5 fractions. He hates Maths and already forms a mental block to that subject. Even though he can actually solve mathematical problems, he says he can't because of this mental block. In BM he seems to be doing all right with Tatabahasa but struggles with the Bina Ayat and Karangan bit. And I make things worse by telling him "ha, dah tak baca buku macamana nak cari idea nak buat karangan!"
Munirah on the other hand loves Maths and always excelled in this subject. When I say excelled tu, she gets As laa most of the time tapi not lah 100% type of As.
Which brings me to the next point and frustration I have with the emphasis of our education system these days. Getting 8As is sooo important relative to seeing the incremental improvements in students. Kalau tak dapat 8As, then you have not arrived? Arrived where? I have interviewed many fresh graduates and experienced people, and I can say that what gets you into the organization is no 1, ability to communicate, no 2 one's breadth and depth in analytical thinking (not in Maths or Science) in doing the case study. Then we look at your credentials. But credentials alone are not enough maaa.....
Anyway back to where I was. Sometimes I feel so stretched in terms of the amount that I have on my plate relative to certain others. I think maybe I am not working smart or even perhaps setting too high an expectation on myself. It is that. I know that I do set high expectations on FRM staff in terms of responsiveness to clients, analytical capabilities, problem solving, process orientation, writing and communication skills, but I have been subject to such standards myself when I was younger reporting to "not easy to please" bosses. And I don't think I am alone here.
Enough on work. Work is work and will never end. Although I am thankful to still have a job given the state of the global and local economy, as MrM always say "you don't have to sell your soul to your work". Hmmm......if that is the case, is it any wonder why MrM always asks if I am listening to what the kids or he is saying (as in knock! knock! are you there?). My soul is never at peace because work beckons.....
Can I leave this job and bake muffins and decorated cupcakes for a living?
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Saturday, March 07, 2009
My 5th pregnancy
I was just reading my past postings and realized I had stopped at 2nd, 3rd and 4th pregnancy. My 5th pregnancy resulted in Adlan Zarif.
I think I had similar symptoms of early pregnancy and since I have had those three terminated pregnancies, the gynaecologist had given me progesterone shots to strenghten the pregnancy, similar to this one.
With Zarif, I was 32 then (and oh God, so distant that age 32) and had craving for coffee. Whereas with Munirah I was not able to smell, let alone drink coffee, with Zarif black coffee was so sedap. And it has to be black coffee. Japanese food was another favourite. And I had plenty of opportunities to savor those foods.
I do not remember much about this pregnancy except that towards the last trimester, I could not sleep laying flat or on my sides and had to sleep in a sitting position. Imagine that and my neck ache sleeping that way for a good two months! Since this was the first boy, my office mates often would see my stomach senget sebelah due to the baby moving, stretching to one side or the other.
This time the C-section was a planned one; the doctor had run some tests that I would not be able to have a normal delivery. I was given epidural and was awake during the operation, with MrM by my side. MrM did not tell me that the thin white string that ran across the cloth shield over me was intended to pull my stomach open. MrM claims that as soon as the uterus is open, he could hear Zarif cry. Such miracles. Dr Nik gave Zarif a huge and may I also say, loud, welcome with his "Assalamu'alaikum...!"....
It was an experience. With Munirah I was under general anaesthetic so I was only able to see her the next day. With Zarif, they immediately put him by my side after cleaning him up and wrapping him with a towel. Nothing beats that.
Of course, MrM had a merry conversation with Dr Nik as the doctor was stitching away every layer of the seven layers beneath your skin. For instance "is it possible that you get rid of some of the fat, doctor?" and I go "at my expense and after delivering a son and you ask the doctor that?"
I was very glad that he was there with me throughout the surgery.
I think I had similar symptoms of early pregnancy and since I have had those three terminated pregnancies, the gynaecologist had given me progesterone shots to strenghten the pregnancy, similar to this one.
With Zarif, I was 32 then (and oh God, so distant that age 32) and had craving for coffee. Whereas with Munirah I was not able to smell, let alone drink coffee, with Zarif black coffee was so sedap. And it has to be black coffee. Japanese food was another favourite. And I had plenty of opportunities to savor those foods.
I do not remember much about this pregnancy except that towards the last trimester, I could not sleep laying flat or on my sides and had to sleep in a sitting position. Imagine that and my neck ache sleeping that way for a good two months! Since this was the first boy, my office mates often would see my stomach senget sebelah due to the baby moving, stretching to one side or the other.
This time the C-section was a planned one; the doctor had run some tests that I would not be able to have a normal delivery. I was given epidural and was awake during the operation, with MrM by my side. MrM did not tell me that the thin white string that ran across the cloth shield over me was intended to pull my stomach open. MrM claims that as soon as the uterus is open, he could hear Zarif cry. Such miracles. Dr Nik gave Zarif a huge and may I also say, loud, welcome with his "Assalamu'alaikum...!"....
It was an experience. With Munirah I was under general anaesthetic so I was only able to see her the next day. With Zarif, they immediately put him by my side after cleaning him up and wrapping him with a towel. Nothing beats that.
Of course, MrM had a merry conversation with Dr Nik as the doctor was stitching away every layer of the seven layers beneath your skin. For instance "is it possible that you get rid of some of the fat, doctor?" and I go "at my expense and after delivering a son and you ask the doctor that?"
I was very glad that he was there with me throughout the surgery.
Taking stock
Here I am lamenting about the discomforts of this pregnancy, I forget to be grateful that God has planned and given to us His kurnia rezeki yang tidak disangka-sangka. Most of the time, I feel that I have not been a good enough mother to my first three. I guess it is that guilt conscience of not being there for them most of the time since I am a working mother.
MrM was just saying last Friday on the way home that he too has a lot of work stuff to finish and I agree with him that it is nearly impossible to have that concentration to complete work since we are usually dealing with work issues and meetings, meetings and meetings. While working during weekends does allow us to have uninterrupted time to complete whatever outstanding work, it does represent time away from kids that are already asleep by the time I got home last Tuesday at 10:40pm.
Therefore, my thinking goes that perhaps with this baby I will be able to begin again and with a bit more maturity at this age, I hope I will learn not to sweat the small stuff like I used to with the first three. Despite all the complaints of itchy breasts, morning sickness, nausea, fatigue, hunger pangs, I am looking forward to having this baby. I want to hold this little one, get into the routine of breast feeding, diaper changing (biar betul!), baby's first milestones, the works....so much that I was deliberating taking additional month unpaid leave to the paid two months maternity leave.
Working does have its advantages in that with both of our income we would (if we wanted to) be able to go for nice vacations, provide for education, accord our kids with shoes, clothes that they want (not necessarily expensive), convenience of having a driver and a maid, comforts of our home (yeah our electricity bill is bordering RM600 a month) etc. Although, I do contend that without all that, except for education, we probably would be as happy.
I just found out a friend from school has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She has started to blog her feelings here. God willing, she will overcome this. But inside, how does one feel when you are diagnosed? There are as many negative possibilities as they are positive ones. How does one be strong in facing their daily lives while the immune system wreaks havoc with chemo? I have seen my MIL in her suffering and while she knew she was not well, due to a terrible accident when MrM was 10, I don't think she comprehends what cancer was and could.
Things happen for a reason. Whether it is to take stock of our lives, to trigger to us to be mindful of what we do, how we do and why we do certain things in our lives, to be a better wife, parent, daughter, sister, to prioritize and make trade-offs, the reminders may be different but they all serve the same purpose. Sometime we are conscious of these reminders, most times we are not conscious at all.
In this rat race (God knows I do get and have been sucked into this) I always wished that I have the courage to leave work and pursue the things that I feel passionate about. For instance, writing, fitness, kids interests, books, travel, religion....not necessarily in that order and yes, some combination of those are possible.
Anyway, ramblings again. I think again the stress that I have been subjecting myself to prompted all that. Baby is moving rather actively today, a good sign.
On a lighter note, an office colleague told me if you stare at a particular baby photo every day during your pregnancy, chances are your baby will look like that baby photo you have been staring at. Look at the baby photo of this posting. Yeah...MrM is no Tom Cruise and I am no Katie Holmes, but our baby possibly can look like Suri Cruise, ha ha ha! A boy version, that is...
20 weeks and stressing myself unnecessarily
What a week this has been and what it will be....MrM left for Miri on Tuesday only to return on Wednesday attending this VDP Exhibition program or something like that organized by this company that I work for. I had made arrangements to hitch a ride with Nasyrah who stays in Park Avenue to go to work and back from work. My concern was that by the end of a workday I will not have the energy to drive myself home.
MrM bumped into an ex-office colleague in Miri and this colleague, whom I call Bapak Roz, texted me to say that MrM looks slim and sophisticated. And that Bapak Roz said needs to speed up his slimming and dieting program (Bapak Roz btw has also lost a lot of weight, tak taulah whether being in that division or just kurang makan made him lost weight). Of course, I was in the midst of all the stress in the office, and my immediate response was "Yeah dia (MrM) fit, I fat...that is what you meant to say kan? Kan? Kan?" and when he didn't reply I SMSed him lagi "Kan?Kan?Kan?"....mental betul I was then. Then texted MrM to say "Bapak Roz says that you look slim and sophisticated....what did YOU DO to make him say that??" Lagi mental....
Apart from this week office stress, my reasoning is that despite wanting to exercise during this pregnancy, more often than not I succumb to my tiredness and would just rather sleep or lounge around at home. Today for instance, I woke up early (6am) since I slept early and could not sleep anymore. After shower, I dozed off again on the sofa downstairs only to be awoken by MrM asking when and where to go for brunch. Brunch was at Pak Lang Kopi Tiam in PD and upon returning home, I slept again. On the sofa. For a good 2 hours. That was the best sleep ever what with the rain and howling winds.
5 months now and the shape of my stomach is telling me that most likely this baby will be a boy. The stomach is protruding compared to having girls when my stomach is spread to the sides.
Looks like we have to buy a lot of baby stuff since most have been given away. I am targeting June to get all the new things and in a way looking forward to that shopping.
Talk about office stress....what laa....dahlah deadline for appraisal completion and online submission in next week....the past 2 days something came up, a new exposure yg tak tahu hujung pangkalnya and kena marah lagi....nak resolve all this punya lah banyak kerja, nak investigate lagi, nak buat exposure paper lagi, nak arrange meeting lagi, nak plan lagi Board meeting tu bila....
Lepas tu nak kena HR work lagi, staff appraisals, results assessment communication, prepare for HRPC (and secretary yg kena bagi instruction every time tak jugak reti2 apa nak kena buat for this HRPC....for God's sake, dah 2 ke 3 performance appraisal since she came in)
Nak kena chair audit exit meeting lagi...IFRM exit meeting with PCSB is next week.....macamana tak stress?
MrM bumped into an ex-office colleague in Miri and this colleague, whom I call Bapak Roz, texted me to say that MrM looks slim and sophisticated. And that Bapak Roz said needs to speed up his slimming and dieting program (Bapak Roz btw has also lost a lot of weight, tak taulah whether being in that division or just kurang makan made him lost weight). Of course, I was in the midst of all the stress in the office, and my immediate response was "Yeah dia (MrM) fit, I fat...that is what you meant to say kan? Kan? Kan?" and when he didn't reply I SMSed him lagi "Kan?Kan?Kan?"....mental betul I was then. Then texted MrM to say "Bapak Roz says that you look slim and sophisticated....what did YOU DO to make him say that??" Lagi mental....
Apart from this week office stress, my reasoning is that despite wanting to exercise during this pregnancy, more often than not I succumb to my tiredness and would just rather sleep or lounge around at home. Today for instance, I woke up early (6am) since I slept early and could not sleep anymore. After shower, I dozed off again on the sofa downstairs only to be awoken by MrM asking when and where to go for brunch. Brunch was at Pak Lang Kopi Tiam in PD and upon returning home, I slept again. On the sofa. For a good 2 hours. That was the best sleep ever what with the rain and howling winds.
5 months now and the shape of my stomach is telling me that most likely this baby will be a boy. The stomach is protruding compared to having girls when my stomach is spread to the sides.
Looks like we have to buy a lot of baby stuff since most have been given away. I am targeting June to get all the new things and in a way looking forward to that shopping.
Talk about office stress....what laa....dahlah deadline for appraisal completion and online submission in next week....the past 2 days something came up, a new exposure yg tak tahu hujung pangkalnya and kena marah lagi....nak resolve all this punya lah banyak kerja, nak investigate lagi, nak buat exposure paper lagi, nak arrange meeting lagi, nak plan lagi Board meeting tu bila....
Lepas tu nak kena HR work lagi, staff appraisals, results assessment communication, prepare for HRPC (and secretary yg kena bagi instruction every time tak jugak reti2 apa nak kena buat for this HRPC....for God's sake, dah 2 ke 3 performance appraisal since she came in)
Nak kena chair audit exit meeting lagi...IFRM exit meeting with PCSB is next week.....macamana tak stress?
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Having little patience for no follow-through
I am so angry with certain people today.
And I have always felt that this may make an irritable baby since the mother has all these roller-coaster emotions while carrying the baby.
Yes, I have been irritated (to put it mildly).
Apasal laa buat kerja macam tak follow-through? Tak tahu ke orang lain will put your request low priority in this organization kalau tak follow through? Dahlah kerja banyak, I am short of people, orang ada nak masuk tapi position tak ada lagi. Lepas tu meeting beriya-iya, tapi tak ada follw through. Amende buat kerja macam ni?
Another one, there is just too many people in this organization that just wants to think "strategically" or "big picture" and the best part gets away with it! And I get scolded for arguing on implementation.
Execution? Implementation? No need to think?
Then why do anything? Why propose new things if you don't want to think implementation?
Satu lagi, when the going gets tough, delegate to a new staff to make decision while the Manager hums along and not dirty his or her hands. Hello? These days, if you have to learn, you have to learn laa. It is a matrix organization not hierarchical anymore.
Lepas tu satu lagi tak tau urgency. Masuk this company, decided that this is honeymoon ke apa.
Siapa baca terasa, terasa laa. Kalau my direct reports dah lama kena dah.
I need a break. I need to cool down. I need to put things into perspective. This too shall pass!
My next checkup is on 12th March. I am so looking forward to that.
And I have always felt that this may make an irritable baby since the mother has all these roller-coaster emotions while carrying the baby.
Yes, I have been irritated (to put it mildly).
Apasal laa buat kerja macam tak follow-through? Tak tahu ke orang lain will put your request low priority in this organization kalau tak follow through? Dahlah kerja banyak, I am short of people, orang ada nak masuk tapi position tak ada lagi. Lepas tu meeting beriya-iya, tapi tak ada follw through. Amende buat kerja macam ni?
Another one, there is just too many people in this organization that just wants to think "strategically" or "big picture" and the best part gets away with it! And I get scolded for arguing on implementation.
Execution? Implementation? No need to think?
Then why do anything? Why propose new things if you don't want to think implementation?
Satu lagi, when the going gets tough, delegate to a new staff to make decision while the Manager hums along and not dirty his or her hands. Hello? These days, if you have to learn, you have to learn laa. It is a matrix organization not hierarchical anymore.
Lepas tu satu lagi tak tau urgency. Masuk this company, decided that this is honeymoon ke apa.
Siapa baca terasa, terasa laa. Kalau my direct reports dah lama kena dah.
I need a break. I need to cool down. I need to put things into perspective. This too shall pass!
My next checkup is on 12th March. I am so looking forward to that.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
19th week
As this pregnancy progresses, my energy level tapers off as well. I think I was doing all right during the Supply Chain Risk Profiling workshop 2 1/2 days last week, but on Friday I had so much difficulty concentrating andto top it off, I was upset with that secretary of mine that seems to think that this office is her social platform and had not done anything to unpack the boxes containing workfiles and such.
I am now writing from my new Acer Aspire 6935G 16" Full HD Acer CineCrystal LCD, my recent gadget purchase and contribution to the Malaysian and Taiwanese economy. What I really wanted was a small notebook convenient for travel, business and personal. However, at this age, even though I don't need glasses, I don't think squinting my eyes to be able to see the screen will help my eyesight in the long run. So after circling the computer section evaluating one brand to another, we decided on this Acer Aspire model.
I get tired so easily these days. I am often out of breath and I think my stomach is so distended for 19 weeks. I can't fit what used to be my bigger jeans/khakis that I couldn't wear when I lost weight prior to getting pregnant. The baby's movement is quite pronounced and that is a good feeling. The little tugs does make my day, a sign that the baby is doing all right.
Apart from my stomach, my skin is itchy, particularly my feet and under my arms. Body lotion does not seem to help. My breasts are heavy and cries to be released from its enclosure by the end of the day (hee !hee!). I itch and scratch everywhere. MrM made a remark that he likes seeing me pregnant (the exact word cannot be published). Actually being pregnant at this age has in a way made us closer and I feel cared for by MrM.
I had my first leg cramp at 18 weeks in the middle of the night, a sign of low calcium. I have not been taking Pramilet regularly and I should, except that there are times when I feel nauseous and taking pills makes me want to puke! MrM helped straighten my legs and flex my feet that one time and the cramp feel was there until morning.
Aaahhhh....such inconveniences cannot be compared to the joy of having a baby at the end of the process, surely. The experience is very much similar to being pregnant with the first three. It is just that it has been so long since Aliah was born it feels like being pregnant the first time all over again.
I am now writing from my new Acer Aspire 6935G 16" Full HD Acer CineCrystal LCD, my recent gadget purchase and contribution to the Malaysian and Taiwanese economy. What I really wanted was a small notebook convenient for travel, business and personal. However, at this age, even though I don't need glasses, I don't think squinting my eyes to be able to see the screen will help my eyesight in the long run. So after circling the computer section evaluating one brand to another, we decided on this Acer Aspire model.
I get tired so easily these days. I am often out of breath and I think my stomach is so distended for 19 weeks. I can't fit what used to be my bigger jeans/khakis that I couldn't wear when I lost weight prior to getting pregnant. The baby's movement is quite pronounced and that is a good feeling. The little tugs does make my day, a sign that the baby is doing all right.
Apart from my stomach, my skin is itchy, particularly my feet and under my arms. Body lotion does not seem to help. My breasts are heavy and cries to be released from its enclosure by the end of the day (hee !hee!). I itch and scratch everywhere. MrM made a remark that he likes seeing me pregnant (the exact word cannot be published). Actually being pregnant at this age has in a way made us closer and I feel cared for by MrM.
I had my first leg cramp at 18 weeks in the middle of the night, a sign of low calcium. I have not been taking Pramilet regularly and I should, except that there are times when I feel nauseous and taking pills makes me want to puke! MrM helped straighten my legs and flex my feet that one time and the cramp feel was there until morning.
Aaahhhh....such inconveniences cannot be compared to the joy of having a baby at the end of the process, surely. The experience is very much similar to being pregnant with the first three. It is just that it has been so long since Aliah was born it feels like being pregnant the first time all over again.
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