17 weeks and feeling blue

I have been wanting to write a few entries on what has been going on in my life this past week but have just been too busy and tired. By the time I get home, it will be a sequence of dinner, pick up kids from tuition, read papers, ask kids if they have completed their homework, and I would retreat into my bedroom for alone time, before selecting the mounting submission of proposals and reports by my staff.

Before I start lamenting on work, I was eager to meet Dr Nik last Monday as the Friday before marked my 16th week. 16 weeks would be the time when he said he would do a few blood tests to determine further if there are any chromosomal abnormalities and based on this blood test, then we would decide if there is a need to perform amniocentesis.

The ultrasound scan revealed the baby sooo actively moving and it was difficult for Dr Nik to tell us the baby's vital statistics as at one time, you can see the back of the baby (ie the back of the baby was facing the ultrasound) and just as Dr Nik was showing us the backbone and the spinal chord, the baby instantly turned around and was on its back and you would be able to see the baby's face instead. Ha ha! I am beginning to think sleepless nights now at the rate the baby is moving. None of my babies sleep through the night during their first three years of their lives.

Dr Nik attempted to scan the little private part between the legs to determine the baby's sex and looks like he is 85% sure that this baby will be a BOY!!! Yeah, MrM was grinning from ear to ear and I have had this feeling that he wants another boy. Yalah....with me, Munirah and Aliah plus the Bibik and another baby girl, both MrM and Zarif will be outnumbered.

I have put on another 2kg, which makes the total of my weight gain 6kg! I blame this on eating unhealthily, and not wanting hunger trigger another wave of nausea. I had a bit of water retention but I am so damn sure that water retention was not the bulk of my 6 kg gain. I am back to my old weight again now.....

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A few interesting conversation through SMS :
My sister : Sheila Majid was 43 in 2008 and she delivered a baby last year.
Me : (in my mind....my sister, however well meant, can't seriously compare me to Sheila Majeed) Me : (replying her SMS) Sheila Majid is so petite and beautiful and doesn't have to work like me.

Me : (forwarded the Bedroom Golf Rules email to him through SMS, thanks to Blackberry)
MrM : Is the course open?
Me : The course is old and tired while the golf clubs gets to be shiny again with a badminton game
Me : (in another SMS) and the course owner is upset with the golfer because golfer does not seem to understand her predicament
MrM : What predicament?
Me : See owner of clubs do not even realize course owners' problem. First the grass is dry and course owner feels tired and has a constant headache since course owner finds out new grass is growing. Course owner is worried with the state of the new grass. Which makes the course owner preoccupied most of the time. Sometimes course owner wants attention, course owner have to make plans to date club owner and stay at a hotel.

(blame this on Afifah who sent me that bloody golf bedroom rules joke)

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I had made reservations to stay at the W*s*in the weekend before my 16th week check for both MrM and I. I termed it our secret rendesvous, not that it was much of secret since many of my friends were informed.

So Saturday afternoon, we left the kids behind with their Pak Long and Mak Long agreeing to sleep over that night. Went straight to the hotel, checked in (Executive Club no less) and then MrM left for work after dropping me at Q*al*ty Inn to meet up with friends from school.

fter huhuhaha with the girls (and adjourning to EBox for a karaoke session) MrM picked me up around 6pm and we went back to the hotel. The executive club floor had its own lounge and they serve cocktails from 5:30pm to 7:30pm. We thought we might as well take advantage of what is served since paying for that benefit and had coffee and snacks with a view of a jungle of expensive condos, the roof of the Pavillion and PETRONAS Twin Towers behind there somewhere.

Back to the room and by this time, I tell ya, I was about ready to doze off. I have not had a nap at all since I woke up that morning and with the activities going on that day (going to market, haircut, packing for this short trip, meeting with old friends...)I was ready to say good evening to the world!

What would be the meaning of rendesvous if all we wanted to do was just sleep on the heavenly bed at the hotel, right?

Suffice to say that we had dinner at Jim Thompson's MyThai (mahal punya dinner!), strolled along Bintang Walk, stopped by for Haagen Dasz ice-cream, commented on the ages of these kids that crowd the malls and restaurants, commented on their skimpy outfits and wonder if they have parents who care that their kids wander around the streets at night, commented on the expensive roses that the streets were selling (yes, MrM does not believe in Valentine's and therefore no roses or anything of that sort) and then dot...dot...dot.......

That night cost us RM200 short of RM1K. But I felt it was worth it. Not so much for the food but the time spent with MrM, holding hands and feeling loved. MrM is the only love of my life and despite our differences, I am so lucky to be still in love after almost 17 years of marriage.

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I am so melancholic these days.........

4 months now!

How fast time flies! It feels like just yesterday that I found out about this pregnancy with all the emotions of dizziness, anxiousness and surprise at being preggers at this age and I am now 16 weeks.

Morning sickness is almost gone except that the occassional vomit motion when I brush my teeth. I love the SF coffee in the morning and only once a day, no more. It so agrees with me. Which made me think that this baby could be a boy since the last time I was able to drink coffee during a pregnancy was with Zarif. Energy level can be better. I am quite all right in the office but by the time I get home, I am in a sorry state that all I can do is eat, tell the kids to do their homework (note the word is "tell" not "supervise") and sleep.

Work is never ending but I am pleased with the progress made by the FRM team and the positive response from the newly named FRAS task force. There are areas where progress could be faster but on balance, I know the team is working on it and we have made a lot of progress.

And MrM and I will be going for a secret rendesvous this February 14, just the two of us! Not lah it is such a secret anymore. I am looking forward to that!

Butterflies in my stomach

I am starting to feel little stretch-like motions in my stomach! Such excitement and assurance since I have not seen the gynae for a month now.

My next appointment will be on 16 February and I am looking forward to that. Pray that everything goes well!

The volatility of emotions

Last week on Sunday I had received a call from my mother. And that was after the "slamming the phone down" showdown last December. She sounded too nice and it was as though nothing had happened. Sure enough the reason for the call was to tell me that she is having this kenduri tahlil on 8 February. I asked her if she needed money for the kenduri and of course, my mother is never one to turn down money from her kids. I then said that I will come later (once husband and kids have returned from the morning cycle) and have lunch at her house.

I told MrM that I will be giving my mother a certain sum as a token for peace, and niat to help out with the kenduri as well. When we reached there, her maid was there, not in the least bit menegur considering I am her majikan, right? After all, masa sakit demam macam nak mati dulu call me and husband in the middle of the night, pandai pulak kan? The maid was dressed so inappropriately for housework. She is 27 ke 28 years of age, and she was wearing this short shiny leotard, with a matching black spaghetti strap shirt and a short cardigan like sweater over the spaghetti strap shirt. Kira kalau tunduk menunduk tu nak terbonjol la keluar nasi lemak ikan bilis dia and from the back tu dah exposed la belakang tu. If you see this maid, we working wives would certainly NOT allow such dressing, especially mana husband business sendiri tu or have a young teenage son in the house.

The lunch came and went, uneventful, and before leaving I gave my mother that so called peace token in an envelope.

That was last week.

So today was actually the kenduri day that was supposed to start at 11am. I went early and arrived at 9:30am because MrM has gone to work today and I certainly didn't want to climb the hill if parking at my mothers' house is already full. Nobody had arrived yet, that being my siblings. Then big brother arrived in the splendour of his new baby Cayenne. The thing that ticks me off is....well perhaps I should not say this publicly. Sufficient for you to know I was sensitive to every little thing people say especially regarding pregnancies in general or mine in particular. The brouhaha over money to be given away for the various people who came to recite the Yasin really got to me. First of all, is this tradition, culture or expectations? Why do orang surau datang kenduri tahlil have to be paid a stipend? And why is it more for the Ustaz who has garnered himself a Datukship? Why? Isn't the tahlil a doa for my late father and if all of them are my late father's friends why do they have to be paid? Okay...okay...maybe they didn't ask to be paid. But for my mother to do that must be expected right? What if you don't sedekah? What will they say? Does that mean in future events they will not turn up?

So far I dah angin pasal 2 things, the remark pasal pregnancy and pasal duit nak sedekah orang surau baca Yasin. Then the maid again, bila orang datang je, dialah sibuk nak bersocialize dengan my mothers' friends. And then sikit2 look at me, tapi tak bercakap. Hello, you are the maid, I am the majikan. So I dah marah ni I told my mother, "What is wrong with her? Apa masaalah dia??" My mother pun dah heran or buat2 heran "Apo hal ee?" I tried to find her nak melepas geram nasib baik tak jumpa. I decided to retreat into the bedroom and play with my Blackberry.

After a few exchanges of SMS with my sisters and a call to my friend Pyl, I cooled down a bit. Nephews and nieces arrived, cucu pun sampai, my sisters from KL so I decided to join the crowd downstairs after the doa recital and when the guests dah pergi makan.

To cut this whole story short, my mother, whether its intentional or unintentional always manage to provoke the worst out of me. I don't understand her stance in life. I don't understand being nice to someone and saying something else, especially when these are her own children. I don't understand her need to prove that she is still able and kalau tak ada anak2 ni tak adalah tak makan dia. I don't understand her fixation over money. I don't understand her secrets with my brother and the need to keep everything a secret. I really don't. Which makes me always at odds with her behaviour.

Hence the title "the volatility of emotions". In my profession, I deal with volatility related to foreign exchange, interest rates, crude oil prices, provide reports on portfolio volatility and talk about the impact of volatility. In my personal life, how do you mitigate the risk arising from emotional volatility? My only recourse is to maintain as little possible to emotional provocation contact with whoever.

But then again, it could be that I have all these extra hormones in me that is causing all that volatility.....

Dr Chuah's passing

The obituary

In action, I guess (hat tip to Facebook)

I only found out about this through the obituary pages in NST.

The 2nd, 3rd and 4th pregnancy

My 2nd, 3rd and 4th pregnancies were all terminated at about 15 weeks. All pregnancies began with a confirmation at about 6 weeks, foetal heartbeat at 8 weeks and heartbeat gone at 14 to 15 weeks. The 2nd pregnancy was in late 1995, and the 3rd and 4th in 1996, with all of them just six months apart from each other.

The 3rd pregnancy I had chicken pox, which I think I contracted from a friend's daughter recovering from one. Although I was told by Dr Chuah that me having chicken pox would not harm the pregnancy, God knows best and that pregnancy suffered the same fate as the 2nd pregnancy.

The pregnancies themselves were not a miscarriage, in that I never had any bleeding, even after finding out there was no foetal heartbeat. I guess you could just term the situation as a pregnancy loss. Dr Chuah did not perform D&C (Dilation & Curettage) because the scraping of the uterus lining in the D&C process will result in thinning it and harm my chances of having babies in the future. What he did was just extraction of the pregnancy sac through a suction process done at the clinic under sedation.

I have been told that the reasons why this works out for the best is that God knows best and knows that if the pregnancy continues, the foetus may develop complications or chromosomal abnormalities. I don't know. I certainly did not expect to have three consecutive pregnancy losses and in retrospect, being young helped me cope with the whole situation better. I think I kinda expected that I would be able to conceive again and Munirah was just 1 year plus then.

I was advised by Dr Chuah not to try get pregnant and let the womb rest after the three losses. I did and Zarif was only conceived in early 1998, which made 1997 a total rest year.

How can you mend a broken heart?

To my friend and you know who you are, you are strong and you will ride this one out. Be sure of yourself, be firm with your principles and never give in. Accept that the relationship will never be the same but look forward to new possibilities.



How Can You Mend A Broken Heart? Bee Gees

I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man (woman) could want to do
I could never see tomorrow,
but I was never told about the sorrow

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?

How can you mend a this broken man (woman)?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart
and let me live again

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, no one said a word about the sorrow

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man (woman)?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again

My first pregnancy and delivery

I was married to MrM on 31st October 1992 at the age of 26. I wanted to have a baby as soon as possible but that was not to be. As soon as we were married, we decided to live on our own and rented a flat in Pandan Indah that was on top of a shoplot. Pandan Indah then was not the mess of shoplots, shopping centers, impossible parking as it is now. MrM was even able to go for evening jogs. Imagine doing that now, people would think he is crazy what with the number of traffic that passes through that area!

After much trying, I was finally pregnant in late 1993, slightly more than a year after getting married. I found out from a urine test at the panel clinic in Da*ab*m* where I was working. I remember telling MrM "the pillow did it!" and it took him awhile to understand what I meant. Call it psychological, call it anything you want, but the moment I found out I was pregnant, my morning sickness started in pretty much the same way I felt this time around. I am always hungry, being hungry and not having food on time made the nausea worse.

I can't recall much my first pregnancy except that MrM entertained all my food cravings. Not that he cooked himself, but he drove me everywhere to go to a particular restaurant to eat. I do remember Victoria's Station craving for steak (or maybe that was the 2nd pregnancy), to this restaurant in Shah Alam called Serai, to the mamak stalls in Damansara Utama and mind you, we were living in Cheras at that time.

The gynaecologist we were seeing at that time was Dr Jeremy Chuah, who had recently passed on. He was recommended by my sister and apparently was also the doctor for the lead actress in PGL. All I can remember is him telling me that I don't have much of stomach muscles which explains why when I lay flat, my stomach spreads to the sides and looked like there wasn't a baby in there!

Physically I was active from 16 weeks onwards and I remember that we had just migrated to a new system and was busy writing a procedure manual for the TMGM to guide the support staff when I am gone for 2 months maternity leave. What a difference when pregnant at 27 compared to now. Energy level, ability to move and even breathing abilities since even now I am already mengah from talking or climbing up the stairs.

I remember buying a maternity dress from Mothercare to attend MrM's company annual dinner and then the next day, in the lift on the way to office at 29th Floor, I fainted. I was 8 months pregnant then and had not yet had breakfast. I was holding a polysterene cup containing my usual teh tarik when somewhere between 27th and 29th Floor I fainted. I didn't even know that I was going to faint since I have never experienced fainting before. I must have dropped to the floor with the drink spilling all over the floor. By the time I arrived at 29th Floor, I regained consciousness and there was these two guys whom I must given the shock of their lives helping me out of the lift.

So no annual dinner, I was admitted into the hospital for observation. Baby's heartbeat was all right and still moving actively. I was frightened at all the possibilities especially this happening at 8 months! MrM, young as I was at that time, came to pick me up at the office and waited with me at the hospital.

My mother arrived a few days before my due date, gave me all sort of herbal drinks so that I can give birth easily. I remember there was this air kembang semangkok, if drank, would help you dilate easily. But alas, again that was not to be. My due date was 20th August 1994, after 3 days Dr Chuah decided on inducing me. So I did experience a 24 hours worth of contractions after which I was only 1cm dilated. My water had burst earlier and Dr Chuah was worried that the baby would be in distress.

A c-section was necessary and I was wheeled into the OT, moved from one bed to another while contractions were still being felt and very strong. I was given general anaesthetic and when I got up, they only told me I had a baby girl but oh the pain! the pain! I didn't anticipate this pain! I felt nauseous and wanted to cough when I suddenly realized this tightness at around my bikini line area. I couldn't cough and some phlegm or what was stuck in my throat causing me to gasp for air and unable to breath. I was struggling with my breathing and with that skimpy hospital gown, the entire whoever who was there must have seen everything they needed to know about me.

I was wheeled into the ward and my mother and sister was there. In that state of pain and being drowsy I just wanted to sleep it off. I only saw baby Munirah the next day and what a feeling! Munirah was born with a lot of hair and was a very alert baby, her eyes darting from left to right and her little arms stretching all the time.

I was forced to get up the next day (without any pain management prescribed the day before okay!) and if you thought the pain post the C-section was bad, getting up was even worse. A trainee nurse asked me to get up without any consideration whatsoever of my pain (I think, in retrospect, that was probably the reason why my stitches broke and required re-suturing a year after). Pantai did not ask if I wanted to breastfeed so my breasts were engorged, as huge as Dolly Parton's and keras macam batu!

What an experience. I hated every part of the hospital stay except going to the nursery to see baby Munirah. If you see the photos by the side of Munirah Aiman, she had grown to be a beautiful girl, rebellious at times, a lot of tricks up her sleeves, always get nagged at on her study and living above the line (semenjak dua menjak pergi Supercamp ni), loves to draw, firm with her views and oh just so many of the characteristics that I wasn't at her age. Of late she has been asking me about possible career choices and combinations. She wants to either be an architect or interior/fashion designer but I advised her that you must take finance related courses so that orang tak tipu dia when she gets into business and work later. I am thinking of sending her to RMIT Australia (just like her cousins Zahra and Rizal) but at this rate where SPM leavers yang dapat 10As pun tak dapat scholarship (Shabnam's son had 10As no scholarship, Kak Ina's son 9As dapat masuk UiTM probably with some grant or scholarship but left because he wanted to pursue engineering, so she sent him to Purdue on her own money, my niece Noreen has 10A1s also did not get a scholarship to pursue Medicine in the UK, even though you could probably get one to do Medicine in Russia or Indonesia), I have to start saving money for that eventuality of providing Munirah the educational opportunities that I was accorded when I was her age. No more LVs laa....

15th week and a trip down memory lane

Yesterday marks my 15th week and I am already counting the weeks to mid July. Seeing my colleague and pal Afifah looking absolutely glowing at almost 28 weeks makes me feel old (Fifah is 14 years younger) and shriveled. Both inside and outside. And to think that she went for a vacation abroad and said that she felt okay energy wise visiting all the sights that one does when in Egypt. I guess must be the age factor or Abul (her husband) must be giving her the right dosage of energy and massages (heee.....heeee.....)

My morning sickness comes and goes these days. There are days when I feel good and my tastebuds are all right and there are days, like today for instance, when I just feel like curling up and sleep. Work has been hectic, to put it mildly. There are just a lot of things that requires my attention at this time of the year, what with year end performance review and business as usual.

5th February 2009 marks the MRSM Batch 79-83 30th year since our first day in MRSM. This time around I do not really share the enthusiasm of my other college mates in recognizing this 30th year and wishing everyone "happy anniversary". The reason being is I define friendships differently and that there is more to friendships that has evolved over the years than just Facebook comments or Yahoogroup chatter.

5th February 1979 was our registration day at Maktab Rendah Sains MARA, Green Lane, Seremban and we were all given a nombor maktab according to who registers first. Mine was 955/79 with the first being 913/79. That made me the 42nd person to register on this date. I don't really remember much about the preparations prior to that day but I do remember what I wore. A grey satin shirt with a a blue printed flare skirt. Yep, no uniforms, no need to wear tudung and all those rules that kids are subjected to these days. We were assigned rooms and I was placed in room D15 with 9 strangers. Each of us were given a locker for clothes and stuff, and I remember mine to be beside this girl by the name of Rohaya Wahab, whom we now know as Ayu.

Over the five years I was there, I changed rooms every year except for in Form 4 and Form 5. First year D15, then D18, C10, and B27 for the last 2 years except during SPM week where we can choose our room-mates and we were all placed in Hostel C. Form 1 was just a fun year and I don't recall any form of studying whatsoever. All I can remember are the softball games at the nearby valley, mintak kat cikgu keluar cepat for lunch (poor Cikgu Mydin), and nothing else. I was close to Nora, Anawar and Nit (they were my room-mates) and I was that small then I could wear Nora's shorts and Nit's skirts. Now, half of me would not be able to fit into one of Nora's anything. My friend Pyl masa Form One dengan geng2 "you better shape up"nya pandang dari jauh je and macam geng2 taiko gila.

The 2nd year I can't remember how I started getting close to Pyl, Put and Nora, of course from the year before and also still my room-mate. All I remembered that year was bangun makan sahur and letup mercun tarik kejutkan kakak2 Form 5 and lari. Banyaknya energy masa tu kan. Sekarang ni nak berlari pun mengah let alone berlari lepas bangun untuk sahur lah kan.....

It is so difficult to remember year by year. Tulis jelah mana yang ingat :

• Form 2 ke Form 3 kot I remember being very close to Chee Yoke Kim and Azni. Perhaps because we all play the piano and take lessons but we studied together as well.
• My friendship with Pyl blossomed semenjak Form 2 sampaikan masa Form 4 merayu2 mintak Mr Tan satu kelaskan both of us. Dapat jugak satu kelas Form 4C.
• I owe my passing Math to Adi Jalil for allowing me to copy her homework and to Kim for so patiently explaining Add Math to me.
• Cikgu paling geli - Cikgu Raoff
• Cikgu yang suka raba dada sambil tanya "any kosyen (question)" - Cikgu Rashid
• Cikgu yang kalau cakap selalu air liur dia terkumpul kat tepi bibir dia - Cikgu Hassan Commerce
• Cikgu yang selalu tanya "kenapa" - Cikgu Halim Maths
• Cikgu yang selalu marah sebab Chemistry log book aku tak kemas -Puan Murizah (sampai keadaan terdesak menyebabkan aku copy je log book si Linawo)
• Cikgu yang risau tengok markah Physics aku cam suey sampai nak jumpa parents aku - Puan Halimah and my homeroom advisor lagi pulak
• Cikgu yang jerit to me and Pyl sebab pakai Persian slippers kat academic building masa SPM practical (amali) - Miss Seow
• Cikgu yang paling tak sangka kawin - Cikgu Azmi dengan arwah Cikgu Suraya
• Cikgu yang plate nombor kereta dia MR4212 - Cikgu Aziz Dobok
• Cikgu yang sebut "contour" as kontua - Cikgu Mansor
• Cikgu yang aku suspect ada gundek2 - cuba teka siapa
• Cikgu yang tarik telinga aku sebab solve Maths problem tak habis - Cikgu Rosnani
• Cikgu yang ajar Maths dengan macam2 bunyi - Cikgu Noraini
• Segitiga Jawa - Pak Asjhad Zaenie
• Abang Lab handsome yang syok kat Nora - Supardi
• Cikgu PE yang rugged - Cikgu Ross
• Belajar ugama paling best - Ustaz YoYo
• Cikgu India yang paling seronok belajar English - Mahadevan
• Cikgu yang suka tok nek dia je nak cakap apa - Cikgu Juriah
• Class mate yang selalu surrender ayam dia kalau aku merungut dapat ayam kecik (yeah dari zaman2 tu lagi dah buruk perangai) - Farizah Jailani
• Member yang nak pergi jogging pakai baju glamour - Khairul Bariah (Kirby)
• Buku panas kontroversi - Mona G*r**ng
• There was one time pergi prep masa Form 1 my bra putus. Nasib baik zaman tu size you know what nasi lemak ikan bilis tak cukup, sekarang kalau bra putus, selambak you know what macam ada a life of its own
• Gaduh dgn Beatrice Leong (now Faridah) sampai dia gigit tangan (masa prep Form 1 jugak tu, see I told you we were not studying)
• Kena panggil "MinTen" by batch 77-81 especially dengan si Ahmad Zamri Sittune
• Shikin Bookworm masuk concert nyanyi and after concert balik baca buku

Aarrrghh...there is just too many memories. Belum lagi cerita masak maggi tengah malam, air tak ada, mandi air color macam air lumpur, sports days, ponteng kelas Physics (feigning illness laa mana ada MC) spring breaks, concerts, brass band, guitar band, Pak Kassim, Ustazah yang naik Passola macam2 lah yang diharungi bersama....

Those were the days....we were so carefree, dapat Mod Maths 4/100 pun tak risau, happy sentiasa....

Yes guys, from those 5 years where we share a common bond of college life and we have all that to remember. Our lives since then has taken on its own path, each of us went through different life experiences that has shaped us to what we are today. My philosophy towards life in general, be it kids, work, friendships, relationships, education, responding to problems etc. have also evolved over the years and I find that we are more different than we are alike. But we had those 5 years to reminisce and the 5 years have resulted in a lifetime of friendships, love and support that one could never find elsewhere.

So my friends, I am not good with words, but you know who you are, and with the exception of Borgue, Soy, Yan Kassim, Faridah (Beatrice), Salina Idris whom I have known for more than 30 years, thank you for making that part of my life so memorable, thank you for your guidance, wisdom and inspiration, and just thank you, thank you, thank you!!