The volatility of emotions

Last week on Sunday I had received a call from my mother. And that was after the "slamming the phone down" showdown last December. She sounded too nice and it was as though nothing had happened. Sure enough the reason for the call was to tell me that she is having this kenduri tahlil on 8 February. I asked her if she needed money for the kenduri and of course, my mother is never one to turn down money from her kids. I then said that I will come later (once husband and kids have returned from the morning cycle) and have lunch at her house.

I told MrM that I will be giving my mother a certain sum as a token for peace, and niat to help out with the kenduri as well. When we reached there, her maid was there, not in the least bit menegur considering I am her majikan, right? After all, masa sakit demam macam nak mati dulu call me and husband in the middle of the night, pandai pulak kan? The maid was dressed so inappropriately for housework. She is 27 ke 28 years of age, and she was wearing this short shiny leotard, with a matching black spaghetti strap shirt and a short cardigan like sweater over the spaghetti strap shirt. Kira kalau tunduk menunduk tu nak terbonjol la keluar nasi lemak ikan bilis dia and from the back tu dah exposed la belakang tu. If you see this maid, we working wives would certainly NOT allow such dressing, especially mana husband business sendiri tu or have a young teenage son in the house.

The lunch came and went, uneventful, and before leaving I gave my mother that so called peace token in an envelope.

That was last week.

So today was actually the kenduri day that was supposed to start at 11am. I went early and arrived at 9:30am because MrM has gone to work today and I certainly didn't want to climb the hill if parking at my mothers' house is already full. Nobody had arrived yet, that being my siblings. Then big brother arrived in the splendour of his new baby Cayenne. The thing that ticks me off is....well perhaps I should not say this publicly. Sufficient for you to know I was sensitive to every little thing people say especially regarding pregnancies in general or mine in particular. The brouhaha over money to be given away for the various people who came to recite the Yasin really got to me. First of all, is this tradition, culture or expectations? Why do orang surau datang kenduri tahlil have to be paid a stipend? And why is it more for the Ustaz who has garnered himself a Datukship? Why? Isn't the tahlil a doa for my late father and if all of them are my late father's friends why do they have to be paid? Okay...okay...maybe they didn't ask to be paid. But for my mother to do that must be expected right? What if you don't sedekah? What will they say? Does that mean in future events they will not turn up?

So far I dah angin pasal 2 things, the remark pasal pregnancy and pasal duit nak sedekah orang surau baca Yasin. Then the maid again, bila orang datang je, dialah sibuk nak bersocialize dengan my mothers' friends. And then sikit2 look at me, tapi tak bercakap. Hello, you are the maid, I am the majikan. So I dah marah ni I told my mother, "What is wrong with her? Apa masaalah dia??" My mother pun dah heran or buat2 heran "Apo hal ee?" I tried to find her nak melepas geram nasib baik tak jumpa. I decided to retreat into the bedroom and play with my Blackberry.

After a few exchanges of SMS with my sisters and a call to my friend Pyl, I cooled down a bit. Nephews and nieces arrived, cucu pun sampai, my sisters from KL so I decided to join the crowd downstairs after the doa recital and when the guests dah pergi makan.

To cut this whole story short, my mother, whether its intentional or unintentional always manage to provoke the worst out of me. I don't understand her stance in life. I don't understand being nice to someone and saying something else, especially when these are her own children. I don't understand her need to prove that she is still able and kalau tak ada anak2 ni tak adalah tak makan dia. I don't understand her fixation over money. I don't understand her secrets with my brother and the need to keep everything a secret. I really don't. Which makes me always at odds with her behaviour.

Hence the title "the volatility of emotions". In my profession, I deal with volatility related to foreign exchange, interest rates, crude oil prices, provide reports on portfolio volatility and talk about the impact of volatility. In my personal life, how do you mitigate the risk arising from emotional volatility? My only recourse is to maintain as little possible to emotional provocation contact with whoever.

But then again, it could be that I have all these extra hormones in me that is causing all that volatility.....