Cocktail of Emotions Part 3

My state of being

Pic courtesy of Fotosearch

This entry I know reflects my emotional state right now.

I don't believe anymore, I just survive.

It is hard to lead when I don't believe and I am not sure what to believe in.

Being principle driven may get me into trouble.

I take things to seriously, I have high expectations.

What others do to survive is considered good enough, what I do to exceed expectations is a given.

I don't believe anymore, I should just learn to know the right ass to kiss....

Going Tote Crazy

pic courtesy of ronasofia.com
pic courtesy of eBay

pic courtesy of eBay

I am going tote crazy. Something about tote bags that makes me want more and more despite having at least four now. As MrM always say,"you can never have enough bags, don't you?" and I go quietly "huh I am glad after all these years you finally understand me, huhu!"

I love the pink Kate Spade baby diaper bag intending to not use it as a diaper bag, of course. It is more expensive than the Liz Claiborne pop tote. I like the LC pop tote because somehow I don't think I can carry off that pink KS tote at this age. The LC pop tote is cheaper and the size and length is more practical I thought.

Do I need another tote? Of course not. Need is secondary to wants. So help me, should I or should I not?

Cocktail of Emotions Part 2

It is good to keep up with the goings-on in friends' lives. My school mates from MRSM days have been meeting up every chance they get since our reunion on July 4th, and many times before for those in the reunion organizing committee. I managed to join them on the 40th day of my confinement for a lunch meet at a hotel before fasting month. And again during lunch at KLCC just a couple of weeks ago. To me, this friendship has matured to a level where we accept our differences and learn from each others' life journeys. There was another meet at MidValley Gardens as well as Raya gatherings here and there, evident from the photos in Facebook. It makes me happy to see those photos of old friends catching up with each other and enjoying each other's company.

Which brings me to the point of this entry. Yesterday, my room-mate from my US days and her husband (also from the same university) came and we were catching up on friends from that part of my life. I asked about this guy, whom I shall call, MrF, how he was doing and all, and that's when this friend of mine told me that his wife passed away last year.

I don't know MrF's wife personally, but I know of her. The reason she died was in trying to give birth to their second child. She had fits during labor that apparently was caused by a bleeding placenta that lasted for 2 hours before she died. Both of them are the same age as me, their first child is 9 years old and she had difficulty conceiving. I can imagine how they were looking forward to having this one and the sadness of losing his wife and the unborn baby.

MrF's wife, is from NS, and the reason I say I know of her is because she shares my birthdate, 9th October 1966. She is the daughter of TBT (abbreviated Tunku B T) and my mother tells me that as she was in labor pains about to deliver me, the late mother to MrF's wife went in first to deliver her and then only my mother went in to deliver me and therefore the same birthdate.

I was shocked and sad. Sad for MrF. MrF as I remember him is a person who cracks jokes and makes you laugh all the time. That was just last year. She was 41 then. And I started thinking that when I became pregnant with Harith, all I thought of was at the end of this process (of morning sickness, backpain and sleepless nights) I hope to have a healthy baby and to enjoy having a little one after all these years. They had that expectations too. And to be struck with that loss, I can't even begin to imagine how MrF is moving on with his life.

That that could have happened to me. Makna berserah dan bertawakkal means so much to me when I think of that day on 6th July as I was prepped for the C-section. Anything could have happened during that surgery. Anything could have happened after the surgery, especially when I had nausea and dizziness from both the after effects of spinal block and pain-killers. I thought of my fears then, and if anything were to happen to me, my last thoughts would be my kids and what I have or have not done for them as a mother.

I am so grateful that not only that the surgery went well, my recovery after the C-section was surprisingly good and more importantly, having a healthy baby boy who brings so much joy (yes, despite the sleepless nights) in our lives. Abang Ip, Kakak Aliah and Kakak Munirah loves baby Harith and fight over who gets to hold him. The first thing Harith does as I greet him while he is still in his cot at 5am is to give me a smile, as though he is so happy to see his mother's face. And I would like to think that he is indeed happy to see me.

She died on 28.08.2008. I only found out about it yesterday, 17.10.2009. If I didn't meet Miza and Ian yesterday, I wouldn't have known. Chances are if I met MrF (working in the banking industry) and not knowing what had happened, I would have asked about his wife and kids. Imagine if that happened.

I must make a point to meet up with friends from the many facets of my life more often.

Cocktail of Emotions Part 1

Harith Danish 17 October, 3 months 11 days

I have not been writing for a long, long time for many reasons. The first reason? No other excuse but busy (or pretending to be) and plain laziness. Second reason? When I am tired, I tend to wander and waste time. Wasting time with Internet browing, socializing through FB, and my recent favourite pastime http://thebagconnoisseur.blogspot.com/. Not really buying but it just gives me the kind of solace that perhaps only I understand......

The title "Cocktail of Emotions" I kinda borrowed from an office colleague who perhaps is in the same situation as mine, or rather her situation seems more dire with the bigger responsibility that she has both office and home.

What else? The reason I am tired are aplenty. Ever since Harith was born, I have only managed to get a decent night's sleep ONCE. And that was when he was left in the hospital for jaundice treatment and I was emotionally tired, crying in leaving Harith under the light. Every night since three months odd ago, I have been waking up between 1am to 4am at least twice. When I was on maternity leave, I will recoup my lost sleep during the day....Now that I have started working, I have been recouping my lost sleep by downing a lot of coffee and by actually sleeping soundly during meetings. Which I have never done in my working life. Not even when the first three were babies and did not sleep through the night. Of course I was younger then and still full of that bubbly energy that I am seeing in AAB, HH, MNSS, RAY and all that are in the same time zone as them.

I have been back at work for a little more than a month now and phew! I am finding work and that pace of work is a bit overwhelming, to say the least. I think I need to shift to a new paradigm where work is concerned. I can't continue like I used to and yet it irritates me when I am not my normal self. My new paradigm has to do with work ethics, what matters most, focus and relevance. Only I understand what that means. And I'll add on as I think on further paradigm shifts. Then I can write a book on "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Working Mothers" and when that book sells millions, I can then not only shift paradigm, I can leave that paradigm wherever caused me to have that shift, you understand? No? Don't bother....

Oh well, let me explain. Having Harith at this age (yep, fatigue and leaving his smiling chubby face every morning in the arms of the maid) makes me a tad less driven to fulfill the responsibility that my position requires or perhaps more the expectation that the position commands. The worst part I believe is that I know what it requires but whether it is just the lack of drive or laziness or not believing in "it" anymore, the whole situation is making me miserable. I have quite a bit on my plate right now (initiatives and initiatives), I can't seem to get a handle of everything on my plate right now, I am such a control and organized freak that it kills me to the core when I am in this state, and tada tada tada.....and then the guilt of leaving Harith (and the first three) and not doing much on the homefront. Leaving Harith and not spending enough time with him. Not supervising Zarif's and Aliah's school work and developments. Not shifting gear when I am at home and worrying still about work....what have I turned into? I am in a vicious mindset cycle!

Look at Harith photos above. These moments are here only once and focusing on enjoying these moments proves difficult when my frame of mind is in this state.....