The Purpose of Life is a Life of Purpose
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Gigi
Remember I had written about my sakit gigi....and tampal dengan temporary filling? Well this week is to replace the temporary with a permanent filling. That was quite okay, not painful like last week but the total cost was RM400.00! Belum gigi lain yang masih ada masalah!
14th week
This week was uneventful. Looks like my nausea is gradually easing but I can't say the same about my fatigue, though. After a long weekend, I was kind of glad to be back at work. To be back to familiar territory. To be productive rather than lying around doing nothing at home. I have been entertaining my perasaan malas since I was released from hospital the week before.
I finally can eat fish, not just baung but any fish. MrM, who is in charge of chicken and fish when we go to the wet market, bought fresh barramundi (ikan siakap) and my maid cooked lemak cili api of the fish. Which reminds me on Sunday, my brother-in-law SMSed me and said "don't cook, we are bringing food from kampung". And sure enough there was ikan baung salai, ikan baung tak salai, udang galah...I ate a lot! The combination of the gulai, daun kunyit, asam and fish was just right for my tastebuds. At this rate, my improved cholesterol levels would probably go back to where it was before.
I can also eat the Sunkist like oranges. The reason I call it "Sunkist like" is because oranges these days are from China or Egypt. You don't get US or Australian oranges here anymore, be it in Tesco, Giant, pasar malam or fruit shops. I can eat them oranges provided they are sweet. That was a relief for me since the fruits that I can eat or crave to eat usually result in me having "wind" problems.
Back to my malas problem. Work was a barrage of reports to review, meetings, presentations to prepare, pre-meeting engagements with council chairman, e-mails to respond to, and many more. The FRM department meeting took place on Thursday and I tried to emphasize on the need for my staff to have analytical depth in the respective areas that they are in. The challenge I think is for the IFRM team, whom I think need to have these three areas : having the big picture, process oriented and analytical capabilities.
The thing is in my mind I want to do a lot of things, but the body is just not willing. Blame it on being preggers at this age.
Heck, I find this blogging tiring to maintain laa....I just don't know how people find time to sit at a computer and write away.....Facebook is easier....
I finally can eat fish, not just baung but any fish. MrM, who is in charge of chicken and fish when we go to the wet market, bought fresh barramundi (ikan siakap) and my maid cooked lemak cili api of the fish. Which reminds me on Sunday, my brother-in-law SMSed me and said "don't cook, we are bringing food from kampung". And sure enough there was ikan baung salai, ikan baung tak salai, udang galah...I ate a lot! The combination of the gulai, daun kunyit, asam and fish was just right for my tastebuds. At this rate, my improved cholesterol levels would probably go back to where it was before.
I can also eat the Sunkist like oranges. The reason I call it "Sunkist like" is because oranges these days are from China or Egypt. You don't get US or Australian oranges here anymore, be it in Tesco, Giant, pasar malam or fruit shops. I can eat them oranges provided they are sweet. That was a relief for me since the fruits that I can eat or crave to eat usually result in me having "wind" problems.
Back to my malas problem. Work was a barrage of reports to review, meetings, presentations to prepare, pre-meeting engagements with council chairman, e-mails to respond to, and many more. The FRM department meeting took place on Thursday and I tried to emphasize on the need for my staff to have analytical depth in the respective areas that they are in. The challenge I think is for the IFRM team, whom I think need to have these three areas : having the big picture, process oriented and analytical capabilities.
The thing is in my mind I want to do a lot of things, but the body is just not willing. Blame it on being preggers at this age.
Heck, I find this blogging tiring to maintain laa....I just don't know how people find time to sit at a computer and write away.....Facebook is easier....
Monday, January 26, 2009
Snapshot of activities during CNY break
Saturday was the usual marketing day. We made a mistake of not going to Pasar Besar Seremban last week so that this week we can just go to nearby shop to menambah2. So we had to wrestle the traffic, park illegally since you can't even turn left to get to the parking opposite the wet market, and push your way through in the market so that you can move to the next stall. And everyone seems to think that the road belongs to their great grandfather at the rate the cars are moving. As MrM always says, Seremban drivers are Sunday drivers and irks him to no end that they seem to take their own sweet time in driving.
We decided to go for a picnic on Sunday in Port Dickson. The night before instructed the maid to get up early to cook nasi lemak and its condiments. Woke up early that morning to cook fried mee after my usual cuppa, asked everyone to get ready while Bibik arranges everything in the picnic basket and by 8:15am we were on our way.
We had planned to picnic at this place where Munirah has gone for a camp in Teluk Kemang. When we reached Teluk Kemang (near Baitul Hilal the location for anak bulan sighting), the whole beach was filled with campers. There were just tents and tents and tents and I believe there was some sort of a boys camp going on as well. So much for being early. I told MrM my idea of a picnic is not to be surrounded with too many people. So off we go again to the next location, Pantai Peranginan Teluk Kemang. This beach is a bit too commercial, with rows of restaurants and shops. Not your ideal picnic spot so cari lagi. Sampai Batu 4, the number of tents outdid the ones we saw in Teluk Kemang. I am amazed that people camp these days. In Port Dickson, especially. I said to MrM let's just go to that spot beside Avillion, it is probably still empty and it is a nice shady area. The problem is the jalan going down that part of the beach. When you want to go out later, that is. But that was our best bet for a shady area with not too many people. Sure enough, the place was deserted, except for one camper at the other end of the same stretch. Yeay......
We decided to go for a picnic on Sunday in Port Dickson. The night before instructed the maid to get up early to cook nasi lemak and its condiments. Woke up early that morning to cook fried mee after my usual cuppa, asked everyone to get ready while Bibik arranges everything in the picnic basket and by 8:15am we were on our way.
We had planned to picnic at this place where Munirah has gone for a camp in Teluk Kemang. When we reached Teluk Kemang (near Baitul Hilal the location for anak bulan sighting), the whole beach was filled with campers. There were just tents and tents and tents and I believe there was some sort of a boys camp going on as well. So much for being early. I told MrM my idea of a picnic is not to be surrounded with too many people. So off we go again to the next location, Pantai Peranginan Teluk Kemang. This beach is a bit too commercial, with rows of restaurants and shops. Not your ideal picnic spot so cari lagi. Sampai Batu 4, the number of tents outdid the ones we saw in Teluk Kemang. I am amazed that people camp these days. In Port Dickson, especially. I said to MrM let's just go to that spot beside Avillion, it is probably still empty and it is a nice shady area. The problem is the jalan going down that part of the beach. When you want to go out later, that is. But that was our best bet for a shady area with not too many people. Sure enough, the place was deserted, except for one camper at the other end of the same stretch. Yeay......
Friday, January 23, 2009
Update on pregnancy statistics
Today I am 13 weeks!
At the last check (before the hospital discharge on 21 January)
At the last check (before the hospital discharge on 21 January)
- Weight gain : 600 grams
- Baby head circumference : 14 weeks
- Baby's length : 13 weeks
- Nuchal translucency : 1.4mm
- Heartbeat : Still strong
- What is obvious to the eye : Baby moving actively, two legs and two hands, five toes and fingers each, brain development looks normal, facial features i.e. eyes, nose, jaw...baby's movements in the pregnancy sac
- Blood test results : Overall cholesterol 4.0 HDL and LDL good levels, triglyceride 2.0 (can't remember the unit of measurement, but higher than 1.7 which is supposed to be threshold) but hey that is an overall improvement from overall cholesterol of 5.2 in my late 30s.
- Low protein in my liver. That was a bit of a concern.
I just think that my nausea nampak macam dah improve sikit. I am not sure if it is due to sakit gigi or really nausea dah gradually nak hilang. Kalau iya, ooohhh....reliefnya. Tapi malam tadi pukul 11 lebih tu perut still kriok-kriok lapar. So today I will have to go and get myself a hearty breakfast since Bibik tak masak apa2 this morning.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Sakit gigi
I have had this toothache that comes and go since a couple of weeks ago. When there is pain, I will not be able to sleep. When there isn't pain, I intentionally forget to go and see the dentist. So much for teasing my old pal Soy about gusi dia bengkak this morning and the possible reasons gusi dia bengkak :-), by afternoon that old toothache came back and this time with a vengeance. Berdenyut-denyut sakit.
I asked MrM to check if his dentist badminton friend's clinic is open tonight and his reply was "Bukak macam biasa". Thank God for dentists that have two clinics, one for the day in Seremban town, and one for the evening in Seremban 2.
My teeth dari kecik memang tak berjaga or just jenis gigi yang tak elok. At 16 years of age, I do recall one of my front teeth chipped sebab makan tebu. Those days my late father would be bring me to the late Dr Kam, and menggeleng kepala dia nengok anak teenager dia punya gigi muda2 lagi dah rosak.
So with the first three pregnancies, my rationale is that I always had leg cramps in the middle of the night, sebab musababnya kekurangan calcium, and sebab gosok gigi selalu loya nak muntah, so the combination of calcium deficiency and malas nak gosok gigi sebab loya cost me a few more teeth during my first three pregnancies.
So off to the dentist I went tonight after sending the kids to their weekly piano lessons. Rupanya gigi geraham atas when I thought it was gigi geraham bawah. So Dr Ferhat buat temporary filling, nasib baik tak payah buat root canal. Sakit kena bius kat gusi tu. I was thinking sakit beranak lagi teruk inikan cucuk main2 macam ni kan. Tapi sakit gigi jangan buat main.....Next week buat permanent filling. I may just do a bridge for gigi2 yang hilang masa pregnancy dulu2. Satu gigi kat Ferhat is RM650.00. Mine kena kurang2 empat gigi. Mang ai....RM2,600.00 nak buek gigi yo! Kenalah simpan duit dari sekarang. Sebulan save RM650.00, empat bulan later cukup lah. Kalau tak tu gelek saja credit card.
Ini dah lepas buat buat filling ni pun berdenyut lagi. Tapi agak2 bolehlah tidur.
I asked MrM to check if his dentist badminton friend's clinic is open tonight and his reply was "Bukak macam biasa". Thank God for dentists that have two clinics, one for the day in Seremban town, and one for the evening in Seremban 2.
My teeth dari kecik memang tak berjaga or just jenis gigi yang tak elok. At 16 years of age, I do recall one of my front teeth chipped sebab makan tebu. Those days my late father would be bring me to the late Dr Kam, and menggeleng kepala dia nengok anak teenager dia punya gigi muda2 lagi dah rosak.
So with the first three pregnancies, my rationale is that I always had leg cramps in the middle of the night, sebab musababnya kekurangan calcium, and sebab gosok gigi selalu loya nak muntah, so the combination of calcium deficiency and malas nak gosok gigi sebab loya cost me a few more teeth during my first three pregnancies.
So off to the dentist I went tonight after sending the kids to their weekly piano lessons. Rupanya gigi geraham atas when I thought it was gigi geraham bawah. So Dr Ferhat buat temporary filling, nasib baik tak payah buat root canal. Sakit kena bius kat gusi tu. I was thinking sakit beranak lagi teruk inikan cucuk main2 macam ni kan. Tapi sakit gigi jangan buat main.....Next week buat permanent filling. I may just do a bridge for gigi2 yang hilang masa pregnancy dulu2. Satu gigi kat Ferhat is RM650.00. Mine kena kurang2 empat gigi. Mang ai....RM2,600.00 nak buek gigi yo! Kenalah simpan duit dari sekarang. Sebulan save RM650.00, empat bulan later cukup lah. Kalau tak tu gelek saja credit card.
Ini dah lepas buat buat filling ni pun berdenyut lagi. Tapi agak2 bolehlah tidur.
The wives that we are
When I think of my girlfriends who have been married for years now, the image that comes to mind is that of them balancing the act of being a wife, mother, income contributor and in some cases, the breadwinner of their household. I think in that process, somehow we lose touch with our inner self, who we really are and what we want out of life.
Perhaps this is more the culture in Malay marriages, I don't want to generalize. For me, I have long aspired to pursue a PhD at an Ivy League school, I have always wanted to travel to exotic countries, I have always wanted to become a dancer (yes, believe it or not), I have wanted to read books and enjoy them (and not read and trying to finish as fast as you can because otherwise you will never finish the book) and just be spontaneous.
I don't think I will ever get to do a PhD at an Ivy League school and I think I have come to terms with that a long time ago, I have traveled in my professional and personal capacity (not quite what I had envisioned), I could still train to become a dancer (though at this rate, I don't think I will get to be Linda Jasmine and have a Que Haidar like wooing over me), I have many books that I have enjoyed and finished (though the one bought still unread is also as many) and I am never spontaneous.
The point is that we make these sacrifices when we get married and it goes beyond those younger day ambitions. In some cases, the length of hair and hairstyle, the clothes that you wear, the choices of household items, personal expenses, areas where the wife is allowed to drive, if the wife is allowed to drive at all, depending on extremities, are also subject to husband's consent. It all depends on the type of relationship one has with the husband. Some husbands never lift a finger in the house, some husbands don't even know what goes on in the house, some husbands help out, some husbands sit down with the kids and coach them with schoolwork, some husbands watch TV all night long (and the TV watches them too in that process) some husbands surprise their wives with gifts, some husband surprise their wives with affairs with other women.
Having said all that, I am sure there are also terrible wives out there, depending on what you mean by terrible, but what gets to me in this country is the double standards that applies to the wife and not the husband. When we lose ourselves in the process of becoming better wives, mother, bosses, subordinates, and suddenly you get whacked with news that your husband has another woman, I sometimes think that the heartbreak that a wife feels is not only the betrayal of someone you love, it is also the heartbreak in all the efforts that has been equally, if not more, contributed by the wife in providing some semblance of a stable, happy family unit. It is also the heartbreak of knowing that this person who has known you so intimately (as a spouse would) is also intimate with another person. It is the heartbreak of feeling inadequate, that someone else is better at attracting your husband's attention and catering to his needs.
So what is a wife to do when something like that happens? I don't know.....some wives are adamant that they be divorced if the husband intends to marry another one. I support that. Some wives tolerate it and consent their husbands to wed another because they have been good husbands after all. Some wives just tolerate the affair and never confront their husbands, which I think is worse being that. I don't know the kind of choices I would make if that ever happens to me but I guess, after all the hurt, I would come to my senses and take the risk of doing what I think is right for me and then the children.
More often than not, we put children needs first and our needs second. I disagree, because if our needs are not met, I don't think we are mentally ready to meet the needs of the kids.
To my friends, believe in yourself and get back to where you were when you had so many aspirations for yourself. Believe in that you are deserving of respect and dignity and that no men should treat you any other way. Go with your convictions and instincts and they will serve you well. Steer away from negativity, recognize it when it is thrown at you so you know how to react, mix with people who give you confidence and support and once you are done hurting, move on.
I am not really good with words when it comes to topics like this, so my writing may be incoherent. You catch the drift....
Perhaps this is more the culture in Malay marriages, I don't want to generalize. For me, I have long aspired to pursue a PhD at an Ivy League school, I have always wanted to travel to exotic countries, I have always wanted to become a dancer (yes, believe it or not), I have wanted to read books and enjoy them (and not read and trying to finish as fast as you can because otherwise you will never finish the book) and just be spontaneous.
I don't think I will ever get to do a PhD at an Ivy League school and I think I have come to terms with that a long time ago, I have traveled in my professional and personal capacity (not quite what I had envisioned), I could still train to become a dancer (though at this rate, I don't think I will get to be Linda Jasmine and have a Que Haidar like wooing over me), I have many books that I have enjoyed and finished (though the one bought still unread is also as many) and I am never spontaneous.
The point is that we make these sacrifices when we get married and it goes beyond those younger day ambitions. In some cases, the length of hair and hairstyle, the clothes that you wear, the choices of household items, personal expenses, areas where the wife is allowed to drive, if the wife is allowed to drive at all, depending on extremities, are also subject to husband's consent. It all depends on the type of relationship one has with the husband. Some husbands never lift a finger in the house, some husbands don't even know what goes on in the house, some husbands help out, some husbands sit down with the kids and coach them with schoolwork, some husbands watch TV all night long (and the TV watches them too in that process) some husbands surprise their wives with gifts, some husband surprise their wives with affairs with other women.
Having said all that, I am sure there are also terrible wives out there, depending on what you mean by terrible, but what gets to me in this country is the double standards that applies to the wife and not the husband. When we lose ourselves in the process of becoming better wives, mother, bosses, subordinates, and suddenly you get whacked with news that your husband has another woman, I sometimes think that the heartbreak that a wife feels is not only the betrayal of someone you love, it is also the heartbreak in all the efforts that has been equally, if not more, contributed by the wife in providing some semblance of a stable, happy family unit. It is also the heartbreak of knowing that this person who has known you so intimately (as a spouse would) is also intimate with another person. It is the heartbreak of feeling inadequate, that someone else is better at attracting your husband's attention and catering to his needs.
So what is a wife to do when something like that happens? I don't know.....some wives are adamant that they be divorced if the husband intends to marry another one. I support that. Some wives tolerate it and consent their husbands to wed another because they have been good husbands after all. Some wives just tolerate the affair and never confront their husbands, which I think is worse being that. I don't know the kind of choices I would make if that ever happens to me but I guess, after all the hurt, I would come to my senses and take the risk of doing what I think is right for me and then the children.
More often than not, we put children needs first and our needs second. I disagree, because if our needs are not met, I don't think we are mentally ready to meet the needs of the kids.
To my friends, believe in yourself and get back to where you were when you had so many aspirations for yourself. Believe in that you are deserving of respect and dignity and that no men should treat you any other way. Go with your convictions and instincts and they will serve you well. Steer away from negativity, recognize it when it is thrown at you so you know how to react, mix with people who give you confidence and support and once you are done hurting, move on.
I am not really good with words when it comes to topics like this, so my writing may be incoherent. You catch the drift....
Hospital stay
I was in the hospital from Monday to Wednesday. While the rest was good, I developed a headache just being there in the room, inactivity and not sleeping in my own bed. Husband dearest, took half day off in the afternoon on Monday, compassionate leave on Tuesday and annual leave on Wednesday. Monday was to get my stuff such as clothes, toiletries and undies, Tuesday was to spend some time with me and Wednesday to take me home after the discharge.
When was the last time I was admitted? It must have been 8 years ago giving birth to Aliah. I know I was in hospital for my kids admission a few times. Everytime the kids get sick or in the case of Aliah when she broke her arm (since Aliah hardly ever gets sick), mothers like me get the privilege of staying at the hospital to accompany them. So hospital stays are not foreign to me but I was not at home with it either.
The last time I was in Gl*****les, I was visiting a friend who was dying from cancer of the esophagus. I think it was in 2007. I visited her with my colleagues from office who knew her in her professional capacity as a banker. While waiting to be allowed to enter into her room, I caught a glimpse of her and that prepared me emotionally to deal with her state before meeting her. Arwah insisted to shake hands with everyone and her voice was very deep (not the usual soft tone that we are accustomed to and to some an indication that death is ver near) and even told her husband these are friends from P**r*n*s. What caught us by surprise was that one of my male colleagues, upon holding Arwah's hands, broke down and cried unabashedly in front of all of us. To tell you the truth all of us pun terkejut, dealing with Arwah and then tengok dia menangis. But he dealt a lot with Arwah especially in his area of specialization and perhaps the sight of Arwah being so thin, wanting to salam tangan and all got to him. Arwah died a few days later and the same office colleagues went to ziarah her sedekah surah Yassin at the mosque in Setiawangsa.
Why do I need to say this here? The thought that came across my mind was when you get admitted into the hospital like I did, you think it is temporary and you will get better and you will get out and continue with your life. In the case of Arwah or any cancer patients (or other terminal diseases) with little hope of surviving, being admitted into the hospital could very well mean the last admission and the only way out is when you are dead.
During my state of idleness, I managed to review a bit of office paperwork and penned down my thoughts on the way forward for IFRM. I guess there was some form of brain activity there for awhile. My colleagues from office came on Tuesday and brought more paperwork to be reviewed. Thank you guys! Just what the doctor ordered.....A good friend came on Monday and poured her heart out on her, shall I say, life tests. Nak kata predicament macam understated pulak. I would like to say something but let's save that for later.
Husband dearest, from now on I will name him as MrM, has been very tolerant of my tiredness. I do feel tired most of the time and after lunch I must have a nap! Most of the time the nap becomes sleep till 5pm! He sends the kids for tuition, picks them up, goes out to make whatever photocopies Munirah and Zarif needs, when usually he expects me to do those.
I hope I get that energy spurt after 16 weeks like the previous pregnancies....
When was the last time I was admitted? It must have been 8 years ago giving birth to Aliah. I know I was in hospital for my kids admission a few times. Everytime the kids get sick or in the case of Aliah when she broke her arm (since Aliah hardly ever gets sick), mothers like me get the privilege of staying at the hospital to accompany them. So hospital stays are not foreign to me but I was not at home with it either.
The last time I was in Gl*****les, I was visiting a friend who was dying from cancer of the esophagus. I think it was in 2007. I visited her with my colleagues from office who knew her in her professional capacity as a banker. While waiting to be allowed to enter into her room, I caught a glimpse of her and that prepared me emotionally to deal with her state before meeting her. Arwah insisted to shake hands with everyone and her voice was very deep (not the usual soft tone that we are accustomed to and to some an indication that death is ver near) and even told her husband these are friends from P**r*n*s. What caught us by surprise was that one of my male colleagues, upon holding Arwah's hands, broke down and cried unabashedly in front of all of us. To tell you the truth all of us pun terkejut, dealing with Arwah and then tengok dia menangis. But he dealt a lot with Arwah especially in his area of specialization and perhaps the sight of Arwah being so thin, wanting to salam tangan and all got to him. Arwah died a few days later and the same office colleagues went to ziarah her sedekah surah Yassin at the mosque in Setiawangsa.
Why do I need to say this here? The thought that came across my mind was when you get admitted into the hospital like I did, you think it is temporary and you will get better and you will get out and continue with your life. In the case of Arwah or any cancer patients (or other terminal diseases) with little hope of surviving, being admitted into the hospital could very well mean the last admission and the only way out is when you are dead.
During my state of idleness, I managed to review a bit of office paperwork and penned down my thoughts on the way forward for IFRM. I guess there was some form of brain activity there for awhile. My colleagues from office came on Tuesday and brought more paperwork to be reviewed. Thank you guys! Just what the doctor ordered.....A good friend came on Monday and poured her heart out on her, shall I say, life tests. Nak kata predicament macam understated pulak. I would like to say something but let's save that for later.
Husband dearest, from now on I will name him as MrM, has been very tolerant of my tiredness. I do feel tired most of the time and after lunch I must have a nap! Most of the time the nap becomes sleep till 5pm! He sends the kids for tuition, picks them up, goes out to make whatever photocopies Munirah and Zarif needs, when usually he expects me to do those.
I hope I get that energy spurt after 16 weeks like the previous pregnancies....
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Consequences of Eating - Part 2
Come Monday morning, I had already made up my mind that I must go and see Dr Nik and clear with him on the medications I can take at this stage of my pregnancy. My stomach cramps were irregular but when it comes, it is very painful. It feels like a contraction only that it is at the upper abdomen.
After breakfast, this time nasi lemak, for lack of anything else safe to eat, we headed to KL and encountered the usual Monday heavy traffic, even in the SMART tunnel! Finally reached Glen***les at about 9am, husband dearest dropped me at the specialist clinic and headed to work.
Dr Nik arrived at close to 9:30am and I was the second patient, managed to review some paper proposals while waiting, and finally got to meet him close to 10am.
Dr Nik did an ultrasound as usual and the baby has grown a bit, the head circumference indicating a 14 week size, and baby seems to be very active moving in the sac. That definitely eased my anxiety since I have always had this phobia that the baby's heartbeat will just suddenly disappear like it did during the three terminated pregnancies between Munirah and Zarif. Dr Nik scanned my kidneys, liver, pancreas to see if there is anything that should be of concern. Semua nampak normal. He suspects that there could be an infection, so to be on the safe side, said that he has to admit me to run some tests. Took three vials of blood for tests and asked Haniza to prepare the admissions paperwork. In the meantime, I was still having the stomach cramps.
Admitted! Never in previous pregnancies have I been admitted into hospital except during Munirah's and that was at 8 months after fainting in the lift to work.
After breakfast, this time nasi lemak, for lack of anything else safe to eat, we headed to KL and encountered the usual Monday heavy traffic, even in the SMART tunnel! Finally reached Glen***les at about 9am, husband dearest dropped me at the specialist clinic and headed to work.
Dr Nik arrived at close to 9:30am and I was the second patient, managed to review some paper proposals while waiting, and finally got to meet him close to 10am.
Dr Nik did an ultrasound as usual and the baby has grown a bit, the head circumference indicating a 14 week size, and baby seems to be very active moving in the sac. That definitely eased my anxiety since I have always had this phobia that the baby's heartbeat will just suddenly disappear like it did during the three terminated pregnancies between Munirah and Zarif. Dr Nik scanned my kidneys, liver, pancreas to see if there is anything that should be of concern. Semua nampak normal. He suspects that there could be an infection, so to be on the safe side, said that he has to admit me to run some tests. Took three vials of blood for tests and asked Haniza to prepare the admissions paperwork. In the meantime, I was still having the stomach cramps.
Admitted! Never in previous pregnancies have I been admitted into hospital except during Munirah's and that was at 8 months after fainting in the lift to work.
The Consequences of Eating - Part 1
So last Friday night after work, my husband and I went to Kampachi, the Japanese restaurant at Equatorial KL. Both of us were hungry, me with my hunger pangs and husband dearest after a long day which ended with a meeting longer than expected.
I took a gamble that Kampachi would not be full so we did not make any reservations. There was only a Chinese family and another Chinese/Japanese group of four. In we went and we ordered sashimi (for husband), fried tofu in clear brownish gravy, mixed tempura, chicken teriyaki and garlic fried rice. The food was just right for my fussy tastebuds and the order was just right for the two of us, except that I wanted a second helping of the fried tofu. Of course, by the time the garlic fried rice came, my US time centric nausea has crept in and I couldn't finish the rice.
Husband dearest paid for that expensive dinner, RM246.00, even though I actually owed him a Japanese meal out from 2 promotions ago! Expensive lah tu considering that usually our dinner outings with the kids and maid (six of us) at Satay Hj Samuri or Man Tom Yam dekat Pantai averages RM70.00! Ooohhh...I forgot to mention that a certain minister's wife was also there and came slightly later than us. I think she was with her kids. Tall, slender and pretty. And with a Tengku title. You can guess who the minister is. And no Normala Shamsudin maybe slender but not tall and no Tengku either!
After dinner, we left for home and husband dearest felt the taste of MSG at the tip of his tounge. If you want to know whether the food is laden with MSG, after a meal, the tip of your tongue feels a thicker than normal and macam berpasir. Or so husband says. He already felt his stomach grumbling, not out of hunger, but the feeling of angin masuk ke perut. Tak taulah whether he was hungry and the dinnertime lambat, or the food memang tak kena dengan perut dia. I said to him, I felt fine, in fact so full that the trip home I dozed off.
Upon reaching home, I was too tired to even shower, changed and slept...
Saturday morning I woke up feeling okaylah, not great, but okay from the perspective of nausea. Zarif's appointment with Dr Primuharsa at KPJ was supposed to be at 9am so we got up early to have breakfast first with the two kids before the doctor's appointment. I made the wrong choice for breakfast at M&S, that being roti telur, when I knew that roti telur this time around does not agree at all with me. But I didn't want nasi lemak and I didn't want any form of mee either. I already felt that there was something not quite right with my stomach since usually in the morning my tastebuds are normally ok.
To cut the long story short, the weekend was a series of eating, nausea, vomitting and stomach cramps that got me really worried for two reasons. One of course, was the state of the baby and second was that how I am supposed to go to work on Monday with in this state? (still thinking about work lagi tu) Sunday night, my in laws (my husband's brother and wife) brought daging salai masak bacang and I was really into this masakan yang ada masam2 sikit. So ate rice with only the daging, again the food was so agreeable with me, but after that muntah. All the daging salai came out. And the rice.
Ini yang orang kata "one minute's pleasure, nine months agony" ni.....
I took a gamble that Kampachi would not be full so we did not make any reservations. There was only a Chinese family and another Chinese/Japanese group of four. In we went and we ordered sashimi (for husband), fried tofu in clear brownish gravy, mixed tempura, chicken teriyaki and garlic fried rice. The food was just right for my fussy tastebuds and the order was just right for the two of us, except that I wanted a second helping of the fried tofu. Of course, by the time the garlic fried rice came, my US time centric nausea has crept in and I couldn't finish the rice.
Husband dearest paid for that expensive dinner, RM246.00, even though I actually owed him a Japanese meal out from 2 promotions ago! Expensive lah tu considering that usually our dinner outings with the kids and maid (six of us) at Satay Hj Samuri or Man Tom Yam dekat Pantai averages RM70.00! Ooohhh...I forgot to mention that a certain minister's wife was also there and came slightly later than us. I think she was with her kids. Tall, slender and pretty. And with a Tengku title. You can guess who the minister is. And no Normala Shamsudin maybe slender but not tall and no Tengku either!
After dinner, we left for home and husband dearest felt the taste of MSG at the tip of his tounge. If you want to know whether the food is laden with MSG, after a meal, the tip of your tongue feels a thicker than normal and macam berpasir. Or so husband says. He already felt his stomach grumbling, not out of hunger, but the feeling of angin masuk ke perut. Tak taulah whether he was hungry and the dinnertime lambat, or the food memang tak kena dengan perut dia. I said to him, I felt fine, in fact so full that the trip home I dozed off.
Upon reaching home, I was too tired to even shower, changed and slept...
Saturday morning I woke up feeling okaylah, not great, but okay from the perspective of nausea. Zarif's appointment with Dr Primuharsa at KPJ was supposed to be at 9am so we got up early to have breakfast first with the two kids before the doctor's appointment. I made the wrong choice for breakfast at M&S, that being roti telur, when I knew that roti telur this time around does not agree at all with me. But I didn't want nasi lemak and I didn't want any form of mee either. I already felt that there was something not quite right with my stomach since usually in the morning my tastebuds are normally ok.
To cut the long story short, the weekend was a series of eating, nausea, vomitting and stomach cramps that got me really worried for two reasons. One of course, was the state of the baby and second was that how I am supposed to go to work on Monday with in this state? (still thinking about work lagi tu) Sunday night, my in laws (my husband's brother and wife) brought daging salai masak bacang and I was really into this masakan yang ada masam2 sikit. So ate rice with only the daging, again the food was so agreeable with me, but after that muntah. All the daging salai came out. And the rice.
Ini yang orang kata "one minute's pleasure, nine months agony" ni.....
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Lunch with an old friend
This should have been my post yesterday. I had lunch with a male friend from my childhood days. The best part was he waited for me at Aseana when we agreed lunch was going to be at Little Penang. This friend is apparently looking for a job that is willing to pay him his value but not working is causing him to have serious dementia when he can't even remember a simple lunch location!
I think I have known him since I was 5 or 6 years of age and that was when my mother works at a Sekolah Ugama as the dining hall operator and his father was the headmaster of the school. We only met each other again probably in Std 5 or 6, he went to ACS primary school and I was at Convent Seremban. He continued his secondary school at MCKK while me (4A 1B and taklah sepandai orang yg dapat 5A) went to MRSM Seremban. He did Accountancy in Australia and I did mine in good ol' USA.
I married my husband dearest and had three kids (on the way to four now) and he married someone else and did not have any kids.
I don't think I am in the position to comment anything about not having kids and your priorities in life but just listening to him and his philosophy in life (wanting to die at 60, with you being pregnant at this age, you are not going to be able to retire, working in this company allows you to go home early to cater to your kids needs...) made me think
I think I have known him since I was 5 or 6 years of age and that was when my mother works at a Sekolah Ugama as the dining hall operator and his father was the headmaster of the school. We only met each other again probably in Std 5 or 6, he went to ACS primary school and I was at Convent Seremban. He continued his secondary school at MCKK while me (4A 1B and taklah sepandai orang yg dapat 5A) went to MRSM Seremban. He did Accountancy in Australia and I did mine in good ol' USA.
I married my husband dearest and had three kids (on the way to four now) and he married someone else and did not have any kids.
I don't think I am in the position to comment anything about not having kids and your priorities in life but just listening to him and his philosophy in life (wanting to die at 60, with you being pregnant at this age, you are not going to be able to retire, working in this company allows you to go home early to cater to your kids needs...) made me think
- Having a baby at any age is a delight (despite my incessant complaints about weight, nausea and tiredness) and this baby will have his or her rezeki allocation from God Almighty and we take that chance of having this baby and providing for this baby and if it means that I have to find another job at 55 to be able to give him or her educational opportunities, so be it!
- I don't know when my time comes to leave this world and that is part of life. The not knowing is what makes you look forward to life and of course, with children, you expect that you would be able to see them grow, graduate from school, work, marry, have children...but you can't put targets on your time to die and work your life backwards. Life is about looking forward!
- What is wrong with a company that provides you balance in earning money and dedicate what little time left for your family? You spend a good 10 hours out of 24 hours in your office every week day not to mention time spent thinking about work and reviewing papers/presentations done at home....is 3 hours too much to ask?
Overwhelmed
I wanted to write about me being overwhelmed with work and that today I spent half the day conducting capability assessment for ONE person! I think I was more drained than the person being assessed. Thank God for the fried rice courtesy of Haslina the ever so dutiful mother and wife (is that right?) and the curry puffs and kuih bakar provided by the organizer of the assessment sessions. Even with that, I was hungry by lunch time.
Instead of lamenting on the usual stuff about work, usual being too many initiatives going on, there is no follow-through, difficult clients, I would like to write about things today that made my day.
Instead of lamenting on the usual stuff about work, usual being too many initiatives going on, there is no follow-through, difficult clients, I would like to write about things today that made my day.
- Since I was soo tired yesterday, I slept at 9pm after supervising Aliah's Maths and BM homework. That was the only thing that I managed to do last night. I woke up this morning feeling better and ready to face the office.
- Yeay....my boss is still in Singapore even though pesanan penaja was already sent through her Blackberry.
- The Nescafe drink I made this morning was excellent.
- The lunch companion I had was also excellent and maybe us being preggers (even though she is 14 years younger, 3 months ahead and is in her prime child-bearing years as opposed to me) made it easy to get a table at 4th Floor Rasa.
- Sales have started in KLCC for CNY. I just like sales and not necessarily want to buy anything.
- Bumped into this guy from MPO HR and commented that he has put on weight (yeah, since I have this extra meat around my hips, it gives me great pleasure to say that someone else has put on weight)
- Macam tak cukup diary, mintak diary kat orang lain (the RBS black diary nak jugak, thanks Bapak MAY)
- The new flatties from Coach that I wore today was so comfortable despite my bunions.
- Balik cepat.
- Makan ciku shared with husband dearest in the car on the way home. Ciku was very sweet.
- Question husband and as expected he answers me with questions. So when he asked me would I miss him if he died, I asked him "How can you ask me a question like that?"
- Plan to eat Japanese with husband dearest tomorrow! I crave Japanese food....hint! hint! The pregnancy when I could drink coffee and at a lot of Japanese food I had a boy!
Yes....I love empty note books (which explains the diary), I am better with a good night's sleep, sweet drinks and fruits seem to alleviate my nausea, I splurged on myself last month (the Coach black patent shoes), I feel less pressured when the cat is not around, I do want to justify my reason for existence (supervising Aliah's homework) and I love the times spent with husband dearest without the kids....now who will be paying for that Japanese dinner at Equatorial huh?
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Conversation with Aliah
Over dinner one night.
Aliah : Papa kerja apa?
Papa : Papa kerja beli barang untuk company yang Papa kerja. Jabatan Perolehan.
Aliah : Mama kerja apa?
Mama : Mama kerja jaga duit P**r*n*s
Mama : Apasal Aliah tanya?
Aliah : Kita tak tahu uuu apa nak jadi bila kita besar nanti.
Mama : Aliah jadi Doktor lah.
Aliah : Tapi kita geli...
Mama : Doktor macam kat TV tu, jadi doktor yang betulkan hidung orang, muka orang
Papa : Ha plastic surgery macam The Facemakers tu
Aliah : Tapi kita geli..
Papa : Jadi doktor gigi macam Dr Ferhat
Aliah : Eeee....kita geli lah Pa.....
To be continued.....
Mama : Aliah jadi Ustazah ajelah...
Aliah : Kita tak naklah kita tak pandai
Mama : Kenalah belajar rajin2 nanti semua orang pandai
Aliah : Nak jadi Doktor Lynn Hazmah (the nearby GP)
Mama : Dr Lynn sunat orang jugak tau, nanti Aliah kena sunat orang...
Yeah, don't you think I said just the right encouragement of words to my daughter so that she aspires to become a doctor? Her idea of being a doctor is like a GP whom you visit, give a few jabs, take blood pressure and presto! your job is done.....
Aliah : Papa kerja apa?
Papa : Papa kerja beli barang untuk company yang Papa kerja. Jabatan Perolehan.
Aliah : Mama kerja apa?
Mama : Mama kerja jaga duit P**r*n*s
Mama : Apasal Aliah tanya?
Aliah : Kita tak tahu uuu apa nak jadi bila kita besar nanti.
Mama : Aliah jadi Doktor lah.
Aliah : Tapi kita geli...
Mama : Doktor macam kat TV tu, jadi doktor yang betulkan hidung orang, muka orang
Papa : Ha plastic surgery macam The Facemakers tu
Aliah : Tapi kita geli..
Papa : Jadi doktor gigi macam Dr Ferhat
Aliah : Eeee....kita geli lah Pa.....
To be continued.....
Mama : Aliah jadi Ustazah ajelah...
Aliah : Kita tak naklah kita tak pandai
Mama : Kenalah belajar rajin2 nanti semua orang pandai
Aliah : Nak jadi Doktor Lynn Hazmah (the nearby GP)
Mama : Dr Lynn sunat orang jugak tau, nanti Aliah kena sunat orang...
Yeah, don't you think I said just the right encouragement of words to my daughter so that she aspires to become a doctor? Her idea of being a doctor is like a GP whom you visit, give a few jabs, take blood pressure and presto! your job is done.....
Relationships and growing up
My eldest sister called me yesterday morning to ask whether I wanted the "ikan baung" to be grilled (salai or bakar) or just like that. Considering where she lived, I knew that grilling in the traditional sense, using coconut husks (sabut kelapa), has to be done outdoors and the nearest place would be my mother's. However, to avoid my mother's 1001 questions as to why the interest in cooking ikan baung all of a sudden and to not impose on my sister too much, plus the fact that I have always liked ikan baung just the way it is, I told Kak Mong that there is no need to.
Yeah....people....my mother does not know that I am pregnant. And I am still struggling to find the right time to tell her. My relationship with mother dearest has always been tumultous, to put it mildly, because first we are more alike than we are different. Second, at 42 I don't want to be subject to the provocation that I have been subjected to all this while. It is this provocation that has caused the relationship with my brothers and sisters to be strained at times. In retrospect, despite all those years, I seem to not have learnt my lessons where mother is concerned. In good times, when confiding in my mother, I still yearn to believe that my mother would always have my best interest at heart. And never have I learnt the lesson that what I tell her in confidence would be used as an ammunition for her to create provocation to other siblings.
This time around it all started when Zarif was circumcised in early November together with the thyroglossal cyst removal surgery. One of my sisters (54 years no less), on the way to Seremban to visit Zarif at the hospital, called mother to inform her about Zarif. I had not informed her since it is a sunat at the hospital under general anaesthetic, not a kenduri and in the old days of berarak keliling kampung. My mother apparently became upset of not knowing, not that there was such a good relationship between her and my kids, told my sister that just because she is old and of no use anymore and slammed down the phone on my sister who at that time just turned 54. 54 years old and your 76 year old mother still slams down the phone on you. What more a 42 year old like me and that was what exactly happened when I called her on Hari Raya Haji day, hoping to tell her of this pregnancy and also to tell her that I will not be coming home under the excuse of we committed to aqiqah and korban this year at the nearby surau.
Her response was "this is what you do to me" and slammed down the phone on me. I couldn't accept that and called back to say "what is wrong with you....and why do you put down the phone?" and in the midst of her expression of God knows what, I told my mother "eloklah mak buat macam ni..." and put down the phone on her instead.
That is why to this day I have not told her that I am pregnant and if telling her I will get a response like "eloklah, kau ado laki...", I'd rather not. I don't expect her to jump with joy at the prospect of the 24th grandchild but I don't want to deal with her state of not being happy with anything when I am dealing with fatigue, nausea and anxiety. That is my mother and much as a lot of people find it difficult to fathom this relationship with my mother, only I and perhaps my siblings, know what I am dealing with, more so in the past 25 years of my life.
Hence asking eldest sister to cook the ikan baung with bacang, which she cooked last night. So after sending kids for tuition and my husband's brother to PD, we rushed to Paroi to savour the creamy gulai, with bacang and just the right blend of santan, pedas and asam. My eldest sister, my other mother now.....
Yeah....people....my mother does not know that I am pregnant. And I am still struggling to find the right time to tell her. My relationship with mother dearest has always been tumultous, to put it mildly, because first we are more alike than we are different. Second, at 42 I don't want to be subject to the provocation that I have been subjected to all this while. It is this provocation that has caused the relationship with my brothers and sisters to be strained at times. In retrospect, despite all those years, I seem to not have learnt my lessons where mother is concerned. In good times, when confiding in my mother, I still yearn to believe that my mother would always have my best interest at heart. And never have I learnt the lesson that what I tell her in confidence would be used as an ammunition for her to create provocation to other siblings.
This time around it all started when Zarif was circumcised in early November together with the thyroglossal cyst removal surgery. One of my sisters (54 years no less), on the way to Seremban to visit Zarif at the hospital, called mother to inform her about Zarif. I had not informed her since it is a sunat at the hospital under general anaesthetic, not a kenduri and in the old days of berarak keliling kampung. My mother apparently became upset of not knowing, not that there was such a good relationship between her and my kids, told my sister that just because she is old and of no use anymore and slammed down the phone on my sister who at that time just turned 54. 54 years old and your 76 year old mother still slams down the phone on you. What more a 42 year old like me and that was what exactly happened when I called her on Hari Raya Haji day, hoping to tell her of this pregnancy and also to tell her that I will not be coming home under the excuse of we committed to aqiqah and korban this year at the nearby surau.
Her response was "this is what you do to me" and slammed down the phone on me. I couldn't accept that and called back to say "what is wrong with you....and why do you put down the phone?" and in the midst of her expression of God knows what, I told my mother "eloklah mak buat macam ni..." and put down the phone on her instead.
That is why to this day I have not told her that I am pregnant and if telling her I will get a response like "eloklah, kau ado laki...", I'd rather not. I don't expect her to jump with joy at the prospect of the 24th grandchild but I don't want to deal with her state of not being happy with anything when I am dealing with fatigue, nausea and anxiety. That is my mother and much as a lot of people find it difficult to fathom this relationship with my mother, only I and perhaps my siblings, know what I am dealing with, more so in the past 25 years of my life.
Hence asking eldest sister to cook the ikan baung with bacang, which she cooked last night. So after sending kids for tuition and my husband's brother to PD, we rushed to Paroi to savour the creamy gulai, with bacang and just the right blend of santan, pedas and asam. My eldest sister, my other mother now.....
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The day that was yesterday
Snapshot of happenings yesterday :
- Breakfast together at the pergola with kids (Pit Stop nasi lemak and kuih jemput courtesy of Bibik)
- Mak Dek dropped by with Lara and a packet of Macadamia nuts and Nescafe Gold
- Had three rounds of coffee just in the morning and another one in the afternoon (I was already nauseous by afternoon)
- Lara stayed here while her mother went to Paroi and Mak Mbong's house
- Lunch (fried bawal with rice only for me, bawal being the only fish I can take for now)
- Slept on the sofa
- Abg Ujang and Kak Ani came with ikan baung. Kak Ani cooked the ikan baung with bacang and terung telunjuk.
- Ate again the ikan baung cili api with rice. Aliah commenting "Mama ni makan aje, gemuk nanti". Well-meant I am sure but didn't I say rationale exudes me now?
- Walking with husband with kids on their bikes
- Bought grapes, oranges and huge Korean pears at the pasar malam
- Dinner at Man Tom Yam (tomyam, rice, kerabu mangga)
- Went to Kak Mong's house after dinner and had this discussion on what happens to the soul after death. I was dead tired by then.
Life, death and living a life with no regrets
Last Friday evening, I received a text message from Anawar informing about the death of another friend's husband. Apparently he died in an accident somewhere in Batu Pahat. I saw the status update of Intan Rodziah in Facebook about the death of Ateh's husband, and in bracket she wrote Uncle. I did wonder whether it is the same Ateh and then thought maybe that would be Intan's uncle. Ana's text later confirmed my first thoughts.
I only met Ateh in the recent Batch 79-83 reunion in 2007 since the last time we parted ways when we left school. She was jovial, excited to meet up with long-lost friends and I too was excited to meet her again after 24 years. You see, Ateh was my room-mate from Form 1 to Form 3 (D15, D18, C10 with the D and C being our hostel names) and I remember that I had my fair share of fights with her. Especially when us from the South decided to gang up against our roomies from the North. South being us from NS and Selangor and North being those from Perak mostly. How naive we were then thinking that friendship had to be defined by where we were from. The reason I think was mainly because our roomies from the North are extra pious and extra studious, where we from the South, just wanted to have fun!!
This was what you would call cliques in school and there were many of these sub-cliques within our batch but now all of us remember fondly those 5 years of boarding school we spent together and regardless of cliques of yester-years, life experiences, differences in phiosophy and thoughts we shared a common bond that can only be understood by us and we speak a certain kind of language that in my view only these friends understand.
Back to the passing of Ateh's husband, my thoughts were with her that Friday evening and how she will have to cope with the loss of a husband and perhaps maintain composure for the sake of her children. I started thinking about my own mortality, my fear of dying, not because of death itself, but more because of the not having enough good deeds to carry me through in the world of barzakh and hereafter. I started thinking about my priorities in life and how I got carried away in this rat race at the expense of my family life. I remember someone saying that as you draw your last breath, you think about your entire life and in your mind, there should be no regrets when it comes to your family. I certainly feel it now in my 40s that my babies are now 15, 11 and 9 and wonder how the years have gone by and not being able to remember their many first moments.
Ateh, I don't have any words for you at times like this except that you are in my prayers and my Al-Fatihah to your late husband. Being strong is easier said than done, moving on requires sheer determination and faith that all will be well and God know what is best for us.
I am sure many of you would have received this through mail. My husband sent this to me (and I know he was telling me something)
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways,but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.
A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, becau se that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it.
A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak!
And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?
I only met Ateh in the recent Batch 79-83 reunion in 2007 since the last time we parted ways when we left school. She was jovial, excited to meet up with long-lost friends and I too was excited to meet her again after 24 years. You see, Ateh was my room-mate from Form 1 to Form 3 (D15, D18, C10 with the D and C being our hostel names) and I remember that I had my fair share of fights with her. Especially when us from the South decided to gang up against our roomies from the North. South being us from NS and Selangor and North being those from Perak mostly. How naive we were then thinking that friendship had to be defined by where we were from. The reason I think was mainly because our roomies from the North are extra pious and extra studious, where we from the South, just wanted to have fun!!
This was what you would call cliques in school and there were many of these sub-cliques within our batch but now all of us remember fondly those 5 years of boarding school we spent together and regardless of cliques of yester-years, life experiences, differences in phiosophy and thoughts we shared a common bond that can only be understood by us and we speak a certain kind of language that in my view only these friends understand.
Back to the passing of Ateh's husband, my thoughts were with her that Friday evening and how she will have to cope with the loss of a husband and perhaps maintain composure for the sake of her children. I started thinking about my own mortality, my fear of dying, not because of death itself, but more because of the not having enough good deeds to carry me through in the world of barzakh and hereafter. I started thinking about my priorities in life and how I got carried away in this rat race at the expense of my family life. I remember someone saying that as you draw your last breath, you think about your entire life and in your mind, there should be no regrets when it comes to your family. I certainly feel it now in my 40s that my babies are now 15, 11 and 9 and wonder how the years have gone by and not being able to remember their many first moments.
Ateh, I don't have any words for you at times like this except that you are in my prayers and my Al-Fatihah to your late husband. Being strong is easier said than done, moving on requires sheer determination and faith that all will be well and God know what is best for us.
I am sure many of you would have received this through mail. My husband sent this to me (and I know he was telling me something)
A Message by George Carlin
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways,but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.
A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, becau se that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it.
A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak!
And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?
Thursday, January 08, 2009
11th week progress and just the state of things
Baby at 12 weeks
Doctor's Appointment
Today's appointment with Dr Nik is the last of the progesterone shots, after which the pregnancy has a low chance of a miscarriage. Thank God for that, because I think these extra progesterone has brought out the worst in me and I seem to jump at the slightest of things. Or perhaps this is a convenient scapegoat and that my DNA makeup has always been like that, getting upset over big and small things.
In terms of progress, I was relieved and happy to see that the baby abnormality indicator, the nuchal translucency, is 1.2mm, which means normal from chromosom abnormalities and the baby's head diameter measurement reveals that it is 12 weeks even though I am only 11 weeks. The doctor was only able to see the physical progress through a transvaginal ultrasound, after the normal ultrasound showed only the back of the baby and the placenta.
I could see the five little fingers this time around! After three babies, the sight of another baby inside of me always brings out the emotions in me and the eagerness is seeing the progress has always been the same, even more so at this age. Aaahhh......such excitement!
Weight gain this time since 10 days ago, 200 grams. Weight gain since found out about pregnanccy 4000 grams! Nausea is still there, especially when I am hungry and not eating timely.
The state of things in the office
Something happened today in the office that just spoiled my day rotten! The audacity of it all.....and this time I am not tolerating any of this nonsense coming from you. The inability to distinguish personal friendship and professionalism in the office is what really gets to me. Why cry when you damn well know what you did? Don't give me this load of crap because I have enough of you. If you don't improve, I will not hesitate to act.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Inability to think straight
When I am in the state of nausea, rationale escapes me and I feel like curling up on the bed and wallow in my misery.....and sleeping it off!
I went walking with Aliah this evening, some semblance of being as fit as I could during this pregnancy. The walk was good, Aliah enjoyed the bicycle ride I could see, but she had to pull me up the last few steps of the uphill walk home.
Sigh!
I went walking with Aliah this evening, some semblance of being as fit as I could during this pregnancy. The walk was good, Aliah enjoyed the bicycle ride I could see, but she had to pull me up the last few steps of the uphill walk home.
Sigh!
Escape Your Rat Race by Martha Beck
On making that change and finding balance.....
Excerpts from Oprah by Martha Beck
When we're trapped in mind cages, gulping happy pills by the handful and fantasizing about lethally stapling coworkers, we rarely even consider that our unhappiness comes from living in captivity. And if we ever come close to recognizing the truth, we're stopped by a barrage of terrifying questions: "What if there's nothing better than this?" "What if I quit my job, lose my seniority, and end up somewhere even worse?" "What if I break off this relationship and end up alone forever?" "What if I get my hopes up and the big break never comes?"When the alternatives are staying in the familiar cage or facing the unknown, trust me, most people choose the cage—over and over and over again. It's painful to watch, especially knowing that liberation is only a few simple steps away. If you suspect that you might need to engineer your own prison break, the following pieces of commonsense advice can set you free forever.
Excerpts from Oprah by Martha Beck
When we're trapped in mind cages, gulping happy pills by the handful and fantasizing about lethally stapling coworkers, we rarely even consider that our unhappiness comes from living in captivity. And if we ever come close to recognizing the truth, we're stopped by a barrage of terrifying questions: "What if there's nothing better than this?" "What if I quit my job, lose my seniority, and end up somewhere even worse?" "What if I break off this relationship and end up alone forever?" "What if I get my hopes up and the big break never comes?"When the alternatives are staying in the familiar cage or facing the unknown, trust me, most people choose the cage—over and over and over again. It's painful to watch, especially knowing that liberation is only a few simple steps away. If you suspect that you might need to engineer your own prison break, the following pieces of commonsense advice can set you free forever.
- It amazes me how often people use that phrase: "Find the right life." Would you walk into your kitchen hoping to find the right fried egg, the right cup of coffee, the right toast? Such things don't simply appear before you; they arrive because you rummage around, figure out what's available, and make what you want. (If you're rich, you can hire a chef and place your order, but you're still creating the result.)
All animals are shaped by their environment, but we, more than any other species, can shape our environment right back. We can cook the egg, brew the coffee, paint the room, change the space. We can fabricate our Rat Parks, and we must, if we want them built to spec.
- The same is true for you. It isn't necessary to know exactly how your ideal life will look; you only have to know what feels better and what feels worse. If something feels both good and bad, break it down into its components to see which are warm, which cold. Begin making choices based on what makes you feel freer and happier, rather than how you think an ideal life should look. It's the process of feeling our way toward happiness, not the realization of some Platonic ideal, that creates our best lives.
- This step is something I stole from philosopher and engineer Buckminster Fuller. Bucky, as his friends knew him, chose for his epitaph just three words: call me trimtab. Trim tabs are tiny rudders attached to the back of larger rudders that steer huge ships. The big rudders would snap off if turned directly, but, as Fuller famously said, "just moving the little trim tab builds a low pressure that pulls the rudder around. Takes almost no effort at all. So…you can just put your foot out like that and the whole big ship of state is going to go."Every life is a series of trim-tab decisions. Should you read tonight or watch TV? Choose what feels warmer. Self-help or thriller? Choose what feels warmer. Cuddle with the dog or banish him from the bed? Choose what feels (psychologically) warmer.
I'll choose to trust our powerful instincts, our desire to be happy, our amazing human capacity for invention. You may choose cynical despair instead—it's all the rage in intellectual circles—but if you care to join me, I think you'll find it's a whole lot warmer over here in Rat Park.
On prioritizing yourself and finding balance
I woke up this morning with a hint of nausea that turned into a full blown one with stomach cramps included. Braved myself to get ready to go to work, vomit motion while brushing teeth, another vomit motion during shower, twice downstairs while handing out pocket money to my kids. My first thought was that this morning sickness has finally recognized that I am in Malaysia and not in the US (since my morning sickness so far has always been in the evening, about US morning time as my friend Azah pointed out that I should stay in the US for the next 9 months).
Breakfast was mee goreng with telur that totally did not agree with me. I knew then that something was not quite right with me and decided to stay home.
This continued until lunch time when I started purging. And more purging after lunch. I was flat on my back by then but what a relief. All that out of my system.
Workwise, this would not be a good start to 2009. The reason is this : I have always been on top of things where work is concerned and I do feel that being on top of things at work and sometimes wanting to be a step ahead of others has over the years crept into my inner being. My system so to speak. That to let go is and was difficult and in some cases, not being able to let go has landed me into more trouble than good. Why? Because my approach, philosophy, beliefs are so different and that as I mature in this company, I tend to disagree with other people.
Why mention this to begin with? The reason is I am tired. I am tired of pursuing, driving and implementing initiatives that seem to be on my plate forever. I am tired of thinking hard as to how a particular task should be approached differently and making that impact in the organization. I am tired because I don't have balance. My family, personal and work life is imbalanced. As Oprah's 2009 show kicks off with Living Your Best Life, I hate to admit that I have not been Living My Best Life.
As this imbalance gets to me when I am not well as I was today. The fact that there are many demands on my time, leadership and thought process overwhelms me now that I am physically and mentally not up to the level that I want it to be.
The years have gone by and without realizing it this organization work ethics and expectations have slowly crept into my system that I do not realize I have created that imbalance.
I want to have balance. How do I create that balance, how do I live my best life?
Breakfast was mee goreng with telur that totally did not agree with me. I knew then that something was not quite right with me and decided to stay home.
This continued until lunch time when I started purging. And more purging after lunch. I was flat on my back by then but what a relief. All that out of my system.
Workwise, this would not be a good start to 2009. The reason is this : I have always been on top of things where work is concerned and I do feel that being on top of things at work and sometimes wanting to be a step ahead of others has over the years crept into my inner being. My system so to speak. That to let go is and was difficult and in some cases, not being able to let go has landed me into more trouble than good. Why? Because my approach, philosophy, beliefs are so different and that as I mature in this company, I tend to disagree with other people.
Why mention this to begin with? The reason is I am tired. I am tired of pursuing, driving and implementing initiatives that seem to be on my plate forever. I am tired of thinking hard as to how a particular task should be approached differently and making that impact in the organization. I am tired because I don't have balance. My family, personal and work life is imbalanced. As Oprah's 2009 show kicks off with Living Your Best Life, I hate to admit that I have not been Living My Best Life.
As this imbalance gets to me when I am not well as I was today. The fact that there are many demands on my time, leadership and thought process overwhelms me now that I am physically and mentally not up to the level that I want it to be.
The years have gone by and without realizing it this organization work ethics and expectations have slowly crept into my system that I do not realize I have created that imbalance.
I want to have balance. How do I create that balance, how do I live my best life?
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Where in the world are husband and kids?
No, they have not disappeared. Where did they go? I want to eat lunch and then take a nap....I want to eat now before I get nauseous again....where is Aliah, Zarif and husband?
(oh just found out that husband went to load money into the SmartTag.....that is how long I have been at this computer and don't even know where they are)
(oh just found out that husband went to load money into the SmartTag.....that is how long I have been at this computer and don't even know where they are)
Nausea and other stuff that I want to express
This state of nauseousness was particularly bad last night. When will this end??!!
Woke up this morning with a body ache. In fact every morning it has been that way since two weeks ago. I thought that it could be because I have been sleeping on my right side all this while, but last night I slept flat on my back and that didn't change anything. This dull headache is still there since last Friday. Sabar ajelah...
Even as I write now, I am feeling drowsy. How not to feel drowsy after two nasi lemak bungkus at Pit Stop and curry mee to top it off. After all that food, I feel like throwing up. Yes, that is my predicament. I feel hungry, I need to eat, I eat all the wrong food, and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Of course I don't aspire to eat oatmeal or wholemeal toast or anything close to healthy. That is why I have put on 4kg since early December. Sigh!
I have been skipping folic acid and Pramilet for the last two days. Forced it down my throat this morning and almost vomitted in that process. The spot where the progesterone injection was given is so itchy and it is all I can do to stop scratching the skin off my hip butt area.
What can I look forward to?
Woke up this morning with a body ache. In fact every morning it has been that way since two weeks ago. I thought that it could be because I have been sleeping on my right side all this while, but last night I slept flat on my back and that didn't change anything. This dull headache is still there since last Friday. Sabar ajelah...
Even as I write now, I am feeling drowsy. How not to feel drowsy after two nasi lemak bungkus at Pit Stop and curry mee to top it off. After all that food, I feel like throwing up. Yes, that is my predicament. I feel hungry, I need to eat, I eat all the wrong food, and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Of course I don't aspire to eat oatmeal or wholemeal toast or anything close to healthy. That is why I have put on 4kg since early December. Sigh!
I have been skipping folic acid and Pramilet for the last two days. Forced it down my throat this morning and almost vomitted in that process. The spot where the progesterone injection was given is so itchy and it is all I can do to stop scratching the skin off my hip butt area.
What can I look forward to?
- Enjoying this pregnancy and the glow that comes with it (yeah right!)
- Definitely the birth of a healthy baby, does not matter, boy or girl....
- Finding a name for the baby
- Shopping new stuff for the baby
- The two months maternity leave
- My tastebuds returning to normalcy
- The weight reduction process (nak kata slimming, macamlah slim to begin with)
- Planning for vacation this CNY
What I don't look forward to?
- Every aspect of C-section childbirth; from the shaving of hair from you know where, having a catheter inserted, the spinal anasthetic administered, the doctor saying "okay, we are about to start now", the doctor and husband dearest having a merry conversation about my fat as he stitches away, the inability to sleep after delivery, the pain, the pain, the pain and having to get up once the spinal wears off....
- The fear as they wheel me into OT
- The throbbing of an engorged breast
- The breast having a life of its own after breastfeeding
- Sleepless nights
One day at a time.....
Friday, January 02, 2009
First day of work after a long break
With a heavy heart, I forced myself to get dressed in work attire this morning and get ready for work. I have had a blissful 8 days of not thinking about work and was just making a remark to beloved husband that one day of work stress will unwind the 8 days of de-stressing.
Today was not that bad, though. Reviewed Board papers, making points to raise on LOA matters, and reviewing more and more papers that should have been reviewed and commented a long time ago.
Lunch was arrrgh......With the array of choices in KLCC, masih lagi tak tau apa nak makan and usually end up with Mamak food, which means nasi and ayam goreng.
My belly is starting to show, even in this big kurung and I am already breathless most times. And at 10 weeks! I can't imagine at 38 weeks how mengah I will be!
1 hour to go before Board meeting, let's pray that I stay alert enough...
Today was not that bad, though. Reviewed Board papers, making points to raise on LOA matters, and reviewing more and more papers that should have been reviewed and commented a long time ago.
Lunch was arrrgh......With the array of choices in KLCC, masih lagi tak tau apa nak makan and usually end up with Mamak food, which means nasi and ayam goreng.
My belly is starting to show, even in this big kurung and I am already breathless most times. And at 10 weeks! I can't imagine at 38 weeks how mengah I will be!
1 hour to go before Board meeting, let's pray that I stay alert enough...
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Looking past 2008 to move forward in 2009
Happy 2009 and Good-Bye 2008! I am thankful for the year 2008 and looking forward to having this baby in 2009 (if all goes well, that is). According to Dr Nik, at the next check-up on 8th January I will get the last of my progesterone shot, making that a total of 6 this time around. With that last shot, the pregnancy should be stable i.e. less risk of a miscarriage given my track record of 3 miscarriages between Munirah and Zarif.
Career wise, 2008 was an interesting year and accorded me many opportunities to learn, improve myself, lead a larger pool of staff, extend my expertise across the organization that outweighs the frustrations, disappointments, stumbling blocks and stressful situations.
The list of good things in 2008 were, in no particular order, and not necessarily comprehensive :
Career wise, 2008 was an interesting year and accorded me many opportunities to learn, improve myself, lead a larger pool of staff, extend my expertise across the organization that outweighs the frustrations, disappointments, stumbling blocks and stressful situations.
The list of good things in 2008 were, in no particular order, and not necessarily comprehensive :
- Attending the Advanced Risk Management Program at the Wh*a*t*n. I feel very privileged to be able to attend such a program with the COO, CROs and other C-level positions from organizations around the world. Thank you again Pn NI for the support and GR for the endorsement.
- Appointment and Promotion to the C*st*d*an position, right after the revised employee package, which brings my salary to a level I never thought possible when I started working 18 years ago earning RM200 short of RM2K. Again, thank you to all that made this possible.
- Being appointed as Bo**d member of three subs. I am still thinking whether this is good or more of a liability, but I am looking forward to the experience.
- Having a good team that have tirelessly worked in multiple departmental, divisional and sector level initiatives, sticking their necks out (and the principles that we propagate) when all odds are against them, and just being able to work things out as a team despite my involvement in other company level risk management efforts. Well done, everyone!
- Being invited for the first time to speak at a Risk Management Convention at a neighbouring country and again at the G*R* Asia Risk Management Convention.
- Just the prospect of a new something that I can't discuss publicly but has been mentioned to me by several people.
- Working on the PCP role profiling and ruler revisions gives me the satisfaction of returning to this organization that has provided me so much 18 years ago.
In my personal capacity, mostly on the home front, the good things in 2008 that I am thankful for are :
- Ability to spend tickets of all sorts of performances starting with Harry Connick Jr, Anuar Zain, Beauty and the Beast, MPO performances for the kids, P Ramlee the Musical (with Abg Ujang and spouse), and to top it all recently was Mamma Mia courtesy of I*a.
- Improved grades for Munirah in her final year exams, courtesy of her handphone in the custody of the discipline teacher, Cikgu Hasnan her BM and tuition teacher, and I don't really know how she studied actually.
- Good friends are hard to come by and I am so fortunate in having these friends. P*l, Ji*, A*i, A*a, In*, A*i, you guys are the best!
- For the comfort of our home
- One week vacation in Indonesia in August and the kids enjoying themselves immensely.
- Improved Science grades for Zarif.
- The little2 and big things around the house that my husband does and his constant reminder on my priorities.
- That my maid of 7 years decides to stay again for another 2 years...(trying to convince her to stay longer)
- That beloved husband is ever so supportive of my work (despite the snide remarks that I get from time to time)
- The S*n F*an*is*o coffee and the guys there without fail, knowing my usual coffee...
- That my kids have been safe, whether at school or at home...(recall Aliah's disappearance)
- For the benefit of having a driver to ensure the safety of my kids going to school and back, and a whole host of other programs such as Co-Curriculum, tuition, piano, times when both of us can't get back in time to fetch the kids.
- That Zarif survived his thyroglossal cyst surgery and circumcision in one go...and when I say survived, I don't mean in a deathlike situation, just that he healed beautifully.
- That God gave me another chance to look back at my past mistakes with the first three and perhaps apply the lessons learnt with the new baby (Insya'Allah)
- The patience of my husband in dealing with all sorts of kerenah that morning sickness brings, like eating out and finding that mee bandung that I wanted so much.
- The list goes on and on......Alhamdulillah...........
Going forward in 2009, my doa-doa are :
- That this pregnancy is a smooth one and that the baby is healthy
- That this place where I work does not cut salary
- To exercise as much as I could in this pregnancy
- To be a better wife, mother and leader and that we are closer as a family
- Munirah does well in her PMR exams and holds true to her commitment key and living above the line
- Zarif and Aliah gets better grades as well....and I would like to get them involved with one sport
- That I am able to lead myself and my kids in getting closer to Allah
- That my good friends find what they seek to find, that they are bestowed with happiness, health and wealth....
- That my relationship with my mother improves
- That I don't get so annoyed easily and see the good in everyone....
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