The wives that we are

When I think of my girlfriends who have been married for years now, the image that comes to mind is that of them balancing the act of being a wife, mother, income contributor and in some cases, the breadwinner of their household. I think in that process, somehow we lose touch with our inner self, who we really are and what we want out of life.

Perhaps this is more the culture in Malay marriages, I don't want to generalize. For me, I have long aspired to pursue a PhD at an Ivy League school, I have always wanted to travel to exotic countries, I have always wanted to become a dancer (yes, believe it or not), I have wanted to read books and enjoy them (and not read and trying to finish as fast as you can because otherwise you will never finish the book) and just be spontaneous.

I don't think I will ever get to do a PhD at an Ivy League school and I think I have come to terms with that a long time ago, I have traveled in my professional and personal capacity (not quite what I had envisioned), I could still train to become a dancer (though at this rate, I don't think I will get to be Linda Jasmine and have a Que Haidar like wooing over me), I have many books that I have enjoyed and finished (though the one bought still unread is also as many) and I am never spontaneous.

The point is that we make these sacrifices when we get married and it goes beyond those younger day ambitions. In some cases, the length of hair and hairstyle, the clothes that you wear, the choices of household items, personal expenses, areas where the wife is allowed to drive, if the wife is allowed to drive at all, depending on extremities, are also subject to husband's consent. It all depends on the type of relationship one has with the husband. Some husbands never lift a finger in the house, some husbands don't even know what goes on in the house, some husbands help out, some husbands sit down with the kids and coach them with schoolwork, some husbands watch TV all night long (and the TV watches them too in that process) some husbands surprise their wives with gifts, some husband surprise their wives with affairs with other women.

Having said all that, I am sure there are also terrible wives out there, depending on what you mean by terrible, but what gets to me in this country is the double standards that applies to the wife and not the husband. When we lose ourselves in the process of becoming better wives, mother, bosses, subordinates, and suddenly you get whacked with news that your husband has another woman, I sometimes think that the heartbreak that a wife feels is not only the betrayal of someone you love, it is also the heartbreak in all the efforts that has been equally, if not more, contributed by the wife in providing some semblance of a stable, happy family unit. It is also the heartbreak of knowing that this person who has known you so intimately (as a spouse would) is also intimate with another person. It is the heartbreak of feeling inadequate, that someone else is better at attracting your husband's attention and catering to his needs.

So what is a wife to do when something like that happens? I don't know.....some wives are adamant that they be divorced if the husband intends to marry another one. I support that. Some wives tolerate it and consent their husbands to wed another because they have been good husbands after all. Some wives just tolerate the affair and never confront their husbands, which I think is worse being that. I don't know the kind of choices I would make if that ever happens to me but I guess, after all the hurt, I would come to my senses and take the risk of doing what I think is right for me and then the children.

More often than not, we put children needs first and our needs second. I disagree, because if our needs are not met, I don't think we are mentally ready to meet the needs of the kids.

To my friends, believe in yourself and get back to where you were when you had so many aspirations for yourself. Believe in that you are deserving of respect and dignity and that no men should treat you any other way. Go with your convictions and instincts and they will serve you well. Steer away from negativity, recognize it when it is thrown at you so you know how to react, mix with people who give you confidence and support and once you are done hurting, move on.

I am not really good with words when it comes to topics like this, so my writing may be incoherent. You catch the drift....