Good Bye 2010, Hello 2011

2010 Favourite Moments

Observing Harith enjoying the freedom to move about in HK Disneyland

A Moment with Papa (PD)

A Kiss from Mama

Hari Raya Aidil Fitri Family Photo (Wisma Abadi, Paroi)

A First Photo for Mr M, brothers and family (Rasah Kemayan)

A Beaming Aliah (HK MTR)

Relaxed with my precious ones (Disney entrance)

Munirah and foster mom in Japan

Munirah in Japan enjoying the food

Munirah and her kind foster mom

Munirah's art for her stall on Canteen Day at school

After much trial and error, they got the mix right

Munirah's directorial debut

Something that she is so proud of

The making of lemang pre Hari Raya Qurban

Hari Raya Haji with Mak post diagnosis of her illness

Introduction to Abang's girlfriend (front row in blue)

A Rare Moment of Togetherness

Harith crossing the road in Wan Chai with Papa

Ba Ip the always willing to carry Harith doting brother

Kak Mong's joyous occassion

 MrM turning 44!

Emak post Hospital Discharge

I admit that I have not been to visit Mak since her discharge from hospital last Wednesday 21st December. I was there during the discharge and stayed to accompany her till the end of day that Wednesday.  A Yaasin recital was planned for Thursday night and I came accompanied by Aliah.  MrM was too tired to go after a major decluttering of the storeroom, Munirah was at Nisa's for a sleepover, and Zarif, well, let's put it this way, made an excuse not to go since MrM was not going.

There was a flurry of activities leading to the weekend.  There was MrM's half sister's wedding to go to Friday night and delivery of the Nordic Track cross trainer and the pre-ordered beds for Zarif and Aliah on Thursday and Friday, respectively.  Of course addressing kids schooling needs, the usual uniforms, shoes, underwear that we have been postponing was done on Friday too.

A case of too many things culminating into the last two days of the week.

Emak looks almost her normal self after being discharged.  No more vomiting blood, having appetite to eat, and having energy to talk.  A clear indicator to me is when she asked for Harith in her customary "Mano budak putih tu?".  After so much brouhaha over whether the Yaasin recital should be done raised by Kak Cik, Mak apparently was happy that the recital was done in her house.  I think Mak likes the commotion that comes with having a little do in Paroi, even though a Yaasin recital.  Having us around, the grandchildren, the great grandchildren, the noise, the sound of the zikir after Yaasin, somehow makes her happy.  Something to look forward to.  We all need that.  And at this stage of my mother's illness, I am certainly not stopping the simple pleasures that life accords her now.

Saturday was the wedding reception of MrM's half-sister.  I decided not to go, using Mak as an excuse and also knowing that Pyl was coming over to visit Mak.  And Saturday was indeed a good day, meeting a longtime friend, having late lunch with her at Nelayan, and with the heavy downpour, lunch became tea with goreng pisang and keledek.  After having rice and masak lemak cili api, mind you.

Once the rain subsided to a level where we can go out, get into the car without getting drenched, Pyl and I left Nelayan to head to Mak's house in Paroi. 

Continued

Quotes I Like

Now tell me my friends if there isn't a seven inch of truth in this chocolate quote.

How true.  What a wonderful person life created me.

I would rather make art. 

Emak in Hospital Day 2 and 3

Day 2 Mak still looks the same.  The night before Kak Cik decided to take in the service of a nurse from the Mercy Nursing Home.  The home sent Kye Swe, from Myanmar, who was very gentle in her ways and also trained to take care of palliative cancer cases.   Kak Cik slept at the hospital, only managing to sleep after 3am, she reported.  Mak was given sleeping pills and Kak Cik said she snored away, indicative of sleep that is much needed.

Kak Yang slept at my place and we woke up early to get to the hospital to send Kee Swe back to Mercy and take another nurse, one by the name Emilia.  Also from Myanmar.  After settling her down with Mak, all three of us sisters went back to Paroi to discuss on what needs to be managed, particularly on Sumarni, my mother's maid for 6 years.

Sumarni had wanted to go back to Indonesia for a 4 week holiday in November but Kak Cik had negotiated for Sumarni to take her break in January 2011 instead.  Her accumulated salary, the extent of money that has been given to her and any remaining amount owing all needed to be sorted out.  Sumarni was tasked to clean Mak's house since we had already engaged a nurse to take care of Mak at the hospital.  Kak Cik committed to pay Sumarni on our behalf an additional RM500.00 a month starting November as incentive money to stay and handle Mak's needs after the cancer diagnosis.

Mak's condition seems a tad improving, although she does not speak as much and stares blankly at you. She frequently asks to be moved, either to sleep on her side or to be put upright.  The retching has stopped and so has the blood vomit.  Mak asked for Sumarni to stay with her at the hospital on account that Sumarni has been taking care of her for the past six years.  Like the daughter she never had, Kak Yang opines.  Well, our relationship with Mak has never been easy.  And as I wrote a while back, Mak wants her independence and Sumarni has been providing her the ticket to do just that.  If that is what Mak wants at this stage and she does get comfort from Sumarni's presence, we will indulge.  Despite our misgivings about Sumarni and my mother.

Day 3 I was there early in the morning again with MrM, Aliah and Zarif.  Met the doctor who was covering for Dr Sharudin and he said that Mak can be discharged today.  We have to wait for Dr Jeffri to visit Mak and see what he says.  Dr Jeffri prescribes another blood test to see if Mak's HB level has improved.  While waiting for the blood test results, we left for Paroi.  Discussed with Kak Mong on cleaning up Mak's room for her homecoming.  Too many things, furniture included, in Mak's room.  And the room itself feels gloomy.  With the help of MrM and Kak Mong's sons, we managed to unclutter Mak's room, vaccuum and Nadzmi gave it a good mop.

After lunch we headed for home.  Abg Ghazie called to say Mak is discharged and for me to settle the bills.  And Mak asked for her handbag and jewelry sack.  Drove home, picked up Mak's bags and drove back to KPJ.  Bills settled, medicine prescribed, ambulance staff came at about 2:30pm.

At home Mak is settled in her newly cleaned, uncluttered bedroom.

Continued

The Very Thought of You

I was watching Home for the Holidays, a directorial debut feature of Jodie Foster's,  on one of the movie channels yesterday afternoon, dozing off every now and then, waking up finally to watch the last half hour of the movie.  This was after an early start sending the Mercy nurse back to Temiang and to the hospital again to see Mak.  Something about this movie that touches me.  Perhaps it was Dylan McDermott, whom I used to idolize.  Perhaps it was watching the familial relationships in that movie, the bond between father-daughter, the fun a husband tries to inject in a mature husband-wife relationship, the acceptance of their children's choice of life that is beautifully scripted and acted.

I know for sure that one of the songs in the movie that touched me.  I love the lyrics and felt that the first verse is so right for me at this point of my life.

"The Very Thought of You"

The very thought of you and I forget to do
The little ordinary things that everyone ought to do
I'm living in a kind of daydream
I'm happy as a king
And foolish though it may seem
To me that's everything

The mere idea of you, the longing here for you
You'll never know how slow the moments go till I'm near you
I see your face in every flower
Your eyes in stars above
It's just the thought of you
The very thought of you, my love

Emak in Hospital Day 1

I am at KPJ Seremban now, with Zarif and Aliah.  Mak looks bad.  She complains of chest pains.  The nurse just came by to give Mak a 5ml insulin shot since her blood sugar reading is 14.  No surprises there, she is diabetic.  She had a spoonful of porridge downed with lots of plain water and then says she is in pain.  My chest, my chest, she says.

Mak still shivers.  I commented that to her.  She says what else can be done.  I can't help my situation the way it is now.  She is watching me with this notebook.  She stares blankly.

She does look a bit rested.

More updates later.  In the meantime, I need medication myself.  Woke up aching everywhere.  My head feels like bursting.

The Inevitable

I have a lot to update today.  This entry is meant as a remembrance of the state of my mother today.  We knew she suffers from advanced metastasis of the liver.  We knew that her time is limited.  We were expecting her to be strong as she always have been.  Strong-willed, always wanting her way, the very character of my mother that has always been getting to our nerves, we wish she had it now.

She had.  She wanted to get better.  She withdrew money to have a thanksgiving doa recital upon getting better.  But God is beneficient, compassionate and merciful.  Allah knows what is best for her.  We take comfort from knowing and believing in God's plans for my mother.

I went to Paroi at about 2pm, after lunch at home.  Mak was lying in bed, not unusual, only this time she  does not say much.  Still extending her hand to Harith for the customary handshake, there was no saying "Budak putih ni, budak cantik ni" always her reference to Harith.  There was no saying "cium Uci sikit" and just last week she said "asyik cium yo lah hai budak ni".  She just stared.  And she started to retch.  This time I noticed that her vomit is black in color, my guess it is stale blood.  She said she is in pain everytime she feels nauseous.

Kak Cik and family arrived at 3pm.  In deciding to provide for my mother's comfort, the options were having nurses on 12 hour shift at RM10 per hour or to admit her into KPJ again.  We opted for admitting her into KPJ, and later nurses to cater to her needs.  I called KPJ to request for an ambulance to be dispatched quickly.  They were fast.  After a brief inspection of my mother by the paramedics, she was ushered onto the stretcher and then into the ambulance.

Mak is now admitted into KPJ, room 336.   She hardly says anything anymore.  Apart from communicating that she feels tightness around her chest.  Kak Cik was emotional in seeing Mak in that condition.  She started to cry.  I wonder why I don't cry.  I admit feeling sad but not to the point of crying.

As I was driving home from the hospital, my thoughts were racing from one childhood scene to another. This is the time of the year where we need to buy school books, new school uniforms and shoes.  Mak was doing the same thing with me, even worse since MRSM had three different uniform color combinations.  I remember when I was sick with asthma, both Abah and Mak was at the school very early in the morning to bring me to see a nearby doctor.

As a child I used to have nightmares about losing my father.  I would cry and ask my mother in the middle of the night if Abah is still around.  And to that Mak would say, of course he is still there, you can hear him snoring.  When Abah left us in August 1990, I had difficulty in accepting his death.  I missed him so and argued that I only had 24 years with him (I was 24 in 1990).  I am 44 in 2010.  20 years gives you a bit more maturity, my guess at best.  I suddenly realized that Mak is no different from me where her kids are concerned.  The only difference is just time.  We go through this cycles in life no different than our parents'.

Mak doesn't look like her anymore.  The pain has caused her lips to be a bit lopsided.  I think that was what that made Kak Cik cry.

Taking things a day at a time.  The doctor says Mak's potassium is very low.  And that makes her limbs weak.  Hope that remedy will give her some energy.  Pray that God eases her pain and makes it easier for her.

Chikai Means Bicycle, Bong Means Ball

Harith will be turning 18 months soon and has built quite a bit of vocabulary.  Apart from "naik", "tatak Aiya", "Baip" (that is Abang Ip, Zarif by the way), "Best" and a host of others that I can't remember as I write.

MrM was reading to Harith a book last night with colorful pictures of animals, body parts, vehicles etc. and Harith was suddenly saying "Chikai...chikai....."  We were wondering what Chikai meant until this morning at the fish shop he saw a bicycle and screamed with glee "Chikai....Chikai!"  And I go "Oh Basikal....."

His fascination with balls or "bong" as he says it is another source of excitement.   We, MrM and I, the first three and the maids included, will be as excited as Harith when we see balls or balloons  and we go "Harith! Bong! Bong!"

Such simple pleasures.  And boys will be boys.

Feeling Down

I don't quite know what it is that I have been feeling blue lately.  Perhaps it has to do with me adjusting to staying home after almost a full year of being busy, at work, particularly.  This year has been a year of many things, new and old, insofar as work is concerned.  Work accomplishments seems harder, what with me being tired most times, guilt of spending too much time at work, even weekends and leaving Harith to the maids.  The truth of the matter is, I am not motivated to work and yet when I am at home, work seems the only thing that I look forward to!

I once updated my FB status with the lyrics of this song by Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt "Don't Know Much".

"Look at this face, I know the years are showing
Look at this life, I still don't know where it's going...."

Having had at least 16 years of education, four children, a rewarding career, a loving, responsible husband, a nice home, a little nest egg, I come to this point where I don't know where this life is going.  Why is that?

Is this because I expect too much or is this because something is missing from this life?

I think it is a combination of the two.

Expecting too much is a case as my colleague Haslina has mentioned many times, I always aim for perfection.  Therefore to my eyes for instance, this is about kids getting good grades, my losing weight, eating healthy, being a better wife, mother and daughter, being a better leader, always in control with planning and organizing, well you get the meaning.  I feel I am nowhere against these standards that I have set for myself and I know that failing my own expectations gets to me.

Something is missing I believe is my own guilt of not redeeming myself in the eyes of Allah.  I have not fulfilled my responsibility as a Muslim and just don't know where to begin apart from praying 5 times a day.  At times when my own mother is terminally ill, I tend to evaluate my own life and wonder at my deathbed, whether all this will flash right before my eyes as wants and wishes that never was executed due to my own lack of discipline.

Life's like that.  It is about acceptance with my lot in life.  Believing in qada and qadar.  But I am a mere mortal.  In the midst of everything happening at a very fast pace, I get melancholic and my mind wanders.

I hope I find light.

Sleeping Better

Harith slept better last night, waking up only once.  Still insisting to sleep in our bed, though.  That happened at about 6am, instead of 2-3am these past few days.

On the other hand, I should feel rested taking a break for so long.  However, I have such a long, overwhelming to-do list during this break that stresses me out a little.  Will update on that list later.

Talking in His Sleep

Since returning from Hong Kong, Harith has been waking up ever so frequently during the night.  Crying without his eyes opened and I have observed twice that he talks in his sleep.  One night at about 2am, he was saying "Aiya...Aiya....." referring to his Kakak Aliah of course and a few times the usual babble as though he is having a conversation with you.

I am tired during the day and mind you, this is when I am on leave and have the leisure of sleeping in the afternoons.  I hope Harith settles down soon since in 10 days I am returning back to work!