Cocktail of Emotions Part 1

Harith Danish 17 October, 3 months 11 days

I have not been writing for a long, long time for many reasons. The first reason? No other excuse but busy (or pretending to be) and plain laziness. Second reason? When I am tired, I tend to wander and waste time. Wasting time with Internet browing, socializing through FB, and my recent favourite pastime http://thebagconnoisseur.blogspot.com/. Not really buying but it just gives me the kind of solace that perhaps only I understand......

The title "Cocktail of Emotions" I kinda borrowed from an office colleague who perhaps is in the same situation as mine, or rather her situation seems more dire with the bigger responsibility that she has both office and home.

What else? The reason I am tired are aplenty. Ever since Harith was born, I have only managed to get a decent night's sleep ONCE. And that was when he was left in the hospital for jaundice treatment and I was emotionally tired, crying in leaving Harith under the light. Every night since three months odd ago, I have been waking up between 1am to 4am at least twice. When I was on maternity leave, I will recoup my lost sleep during the day....Now that I have started working, I have been recouping my lost sleep by downing a lot of coffee and by actually sleeping soundly during meetings. Which I have never done in my working life. Not even when the first three were babies and did not sleep through the night. Of course I was younger then and still full of that bubbly energy that I am seeing in AAB, HH, MNSS, RAY and all that are in the same time zone as them.

I have been back at work for a little more than a month now and phew! I am finding work and that pace of work is a bit overwhelming, to say the least. I think I need to shift to a new paradigm where work is concerned. I can't continue like I used to and yet it irritates me when I am not my normal self. My new paradigm has to do with work ethics, what matters most, focus and relevance. Only I understand what that means. And I'll add on as I think on further paradigm shifts. Then I can write a book on "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Working Mothers" and when that book sells millions, I can then not only shift paradigm, I can leave that paradigm wherever caused me to have that shift, you understand? No? Don't bother....

Oh well, let me explain. Having Harith at this age (yep, fatigue and leaving his smiling chubby face every morning in the arms of the maid) makes me a tad less driven to fulfill the responsibility that my position requires or perhaps more the expectation that the position commands. The worst part I believe is that I know what it requires but whether it is just the lack of drive or laziness or not believing in "it" anymore, the whole situation is making me miserable. I have quite a bit on my plate right now (initiatives and initiatives), I can't seem to get a handle of everything on my plate right now, I am such a control and organized freak that it kills me to the core when I am in this state, and tada tada tada.....and then the guilt of leaving Harith (and the first three) and not doing much on the homefront. Leaving Harith and not spending enough time with him. Not supervising Zarif's and Aliah's school work and developments. Not shifting gear when I am at home and worrying still about work....what have I turned into? I am in a vicious mindset cycle!

Look at Harith photos above. These moments are here only once and focusing on enjoying these moments proves difficult when my frame of mind is in this state.....