So many things to say and yet so lazy

I have not been updating this blog for a few reasons. First is this lousy internet connection, second is just plain not in the mood to do anything, except one liner status updates in Facebook.

Today I am 33 weeks pregnant. 33 weeks. 33 weeks. The last check-up was a week ago today even though I am supposed to meet Dr Nik today i.e. 29th May. The reason was my state of breathlessness. Turns out this baby is in a complete breach position. Isn't that any wonder why I am breathless?

I have put on 14 kg by last week, and probably more by now. My urine is indicative of no pre-eclampsia and and BP is 100/60 or thereabouts. That I am thankful. There are a lot of things that I should be thankful of but sometimes when I am too tired, I tend to not be grateful and complain a lot. Baby is big for its weeks, according to Dr Nik. Many have commented that my belly is not big given my 33 weeks and I am beginning to get annoyed with these comments.

I think the baby has turned again, judging by his movements. As I write, baby Aslan (my preferred name at this stage) is very quiet but has been moving topsy turvy in my belly the entire day. He wakes up early, seems to sleep throughout the night (that we have to see) but sleeps late.

Dr Nik gave me MC for the entire week to rest and what do I do? On Monday I went to work on account that there were two important meetings Monday morning and lunch time. Tuesday I stayed home but could not really rest since too many work stuff in my mind. Wednesday and Thursday I went to this forum and I facilitated a break-out session on the 2nd day. And today, I went to work since I have not been in office for 3 days and another meeting that I dod not want to miss this afternoon. So much for rest. Right now, I am as sleepy as can be, managed to sleep in the car on the way back home but that was hardly what you call sleep. Despite the fact that I told MrM upfront that I want to sleep. A good night's sleep is stranger to me these days, simply because my back hurts and there is just no right position at this stage of pregnancy to sleep, that is (there is never a right position at this stage for anything else!)

There are just too many things going on at work than I can handle right now and it is really getting to me. I am at a career cross-roads, not that I have not indicated to senior management the path that I intend to take. It is just at this juncture, I feel so unsure of myself and whether I would be able to take on this new responsibility. I think for the first time in my worklife here in this organization, I feel this way. The challenge seems to me so enormous and the greatest would be managing people. Time and again I have emphasized that perhaps I have had it easy with FRM staff in that they are so supportive, capable, committed to getting to what I call "the touchdown" and quick in thinking. And that goes to other non FRM staff in GTD that I have had the privilege of working with over the years.

The leadership that I provide in this new environment would be critical, and it is a tough act of balancing motivating people, building capabilities and that you also mean business. This adaptive change coupled with the technical change is the things that fears me the most.

We shall see. Let's wait for June and see how things turn out before the eggs are hatched.

And by early July, yours truly will hatch and ya Allah, your humble servant prays for a normal healthy baby, courage, patience and speedy recovery post delivery.