Mixed feelings

This pregnancy have brought a lot of mixed feelings in me....while I look forward having another baby, I knew having one at 42 increases the risks for both me and baby. The first feeling I had was "will this baby be all right? will it be just like Munirah, Zarif and Aliah?" After 3 C-sections, you would think another one would be a breeze. Just thinking about being on the operating table, and when the effects of the spinal wears off and the pain of the C-section creeps in, worries me, too.

Husband says he doesn't understand why I worry about this and he says he just doesn't think about all this at all....yeah, yeah....easy for hime to say, pregnancy is more mind over matter, don't you know?

At work, my superiors, peers and direct reports are accustomed of seeing someone who responds quickly, manages work proactively, multitasks....now just doing ONE task is already hard enough....and at this level that I am, I find the most difficult being providing stewardship to my direct reports over a variety of matters, especially in the areas of IFRM and the delivery of bank alerts.....I just can't seem to get a handle of everything that needs to be addressed and it upsets me.

I seem to get upset over the smallest of things and the bigger things, too....and frankly, the mixed feelings come from the fact that I have been rapidly gaining weight, I feel unfit (eating all the wrong foods), I am not as quick as I used to be at work, I worry about the baby's development, worry about the pain post delivery, I am just miserable...