I Have a Mother and She is Now Gone Forever

Mak left us on 2 February 2011 at about 10:10am.  She was 79 years old.

I was by her side, whispering the kalimah shahadah to her right ear, while my eldest sister recited the kalimah shahadah loudly to her left ear, crying but not noticing that Mak has passed on.

I watched her drew her last breath.  It didn't seem like a last breath at all.  A facial expression, twice observed, was all there is to her last moments.

There was Kak Mong, Abg Ghazie, Hakim and I in the room when she left us.  Kak Yang was on her way and Kak Cik had yet to board her flight back from Phuket, I presume.  Harith, ever the grandson dubbed as "budak putih, budak baik" by my mother was also in the room.

Mak is now gone forever.  Yes, she had been ill, having diagnosed with liver cancer, but here I am in my childhood home of my mother's, I feel as though she is still there in the room lying on her bed extending her hands to my kids, especially Harith.  I still remember the last night before she left us that she was complaining of pain.  I still remember the days when Mak would cook our favourite dishes of pulut with sambal ikan bilis, masak ayam cili api with young jackfruit (before this was delegated to the maid).  And in this very room, I remember Mak packing my bags with dry food in preparation for my going to the US to study and how she cried as she packed the ikan bilis, curry powder, etc. neatly in my bag.

You would have read the ups and downs of my relationship with my mother in this blog.  In her heyday, Mak was a strong character, stubborn, always wanting to get her way and I see those same traits in me, particularly in my relationship with my eldest, Munirah.

One evening sometime in November last year I believe, I was alone with Mak.  Knowing that her time with us is limited and how difficult I have been with her, to say the very least, I had said to her "Mak, ampunkanlah dosa2 Dila kek Omak.  Dila banyak tak dongar cakap Omak.  Banyak buek salah kek Omak"

To which she said, "Dila, Omak mano tak sayang kan anak.  Kau ni anak nak.  (meaning I was the wanted child)". Considering the gap between my brother Ghazie who is 11 years older.

I hope that meant forgiveness by Mak.  Syurga itu dibawah tapak kaki ibu.

I was 24 when Abah left us.  And 44 when Mak left us last Wednesday.  With Abah I felt that I didn't have enough time with him.  With Mak, I just miss her.

Al Fatihah.  I pray that Allah bestow his rahmat on both their souls and place them bersama dengan orang yang beriman.  Ameen.