I don't know why I feel this way......guilt, lethargy, not able to concentrate at work, too much work, frustration, aiming for perfection, and a host of other things.
The problem with me is that I worry too much and this trait gets to me sometimes. Just today we were talking about an office colleague whose baby died at 8 months in utero and I start thinking what if that happens to me. Will I be able to handle the emotions of losing a baby?
Then worry over the scheduled C-section this early July. I worry that at this age I will have complications during surgery. I worry that at this age my threshold for pain is lower and would have difficulty moving post delivery. Worry again.
Work is not easing up either. Reality is, in this organization, nobody cares that you are pregnant and tired. Nobody cares that you have too many things on your plate. If I worked till the day before delivery, nobody cares if you do and that makes you jittery that you have had not much rest prior to delivery.
Guilt is this feeling I have that during this pregnancy I have not been able to do much except for sit around, sleep and rest. I have not been spending enough time with my kids. Alone time with each one of them. And they are growing up so quickly. Guilt is the fact that we did not bring them anywhere this school holidays except for a trip to KL for my recent doctor's check. Guilt is the fact that I don't have quality time despite saying I need to have more quality time with them. Guilt is the fact that I rely too much on my maid to do a lot of things. Guilt is when I am not guiding my kids in the way that I want to.
Feeling low is that sometimes I want more attention from MrM and at this point he just doesn't understand my emotional state. Feeling down is when he is in a bad mood I am always to be blamed because he is tired and sometimes my meetings end a bit later. Feeling low is sometimes I need words of assurance from him that everything will be all right but he doesn't. Feeling low is sometime he approaches the world only from his lense and not anyone else's. Feeling low is I feel like I am a tool in this organization where I work. Feeling low is the fact that I feel challenged in the potential new responsibility and have very little confidence. Feeling low is that I snap at people at work, call a spade a spade, and that happens a lot these days and people view me as just making things difficult when my superior is nice to everyone.
Tired is when you try to sleep in the car and you worry that your other half drives like mad. And you can't sleep for fear that if he gets himself into an accident, you die sleeping. Tired is when you expect people to perform to some level of standards but they waste your time through meetings that does not get anywhere. Tired and angry. Tired is when your staff wants to be independent and yet never learns to be tactful and learn the subject matter required out of the job. Tired is telling people there needs to be depth in your thinking but they just don't get the depth that is required.
I do feel a bit low these days....
2 comments:
take care of yourself dila..
Dila, you always say to me when I'm feeling like this, that this is just a normal rite of passage. Which sane mother doesn't feel guilty about not spending enough time with their kids. Especially at their ages now (ours are almost the same OK, so.. boleh diterima pakai). The fact that sometimes you just wish you could be better than who you are is a good indicator that you are living and breathing and growing. Coz the alternative would be just to sit down and let the world move on without you.. So..if you're feeling low.. accept that you are not 100% hunky dory (mampus la orang tak tau apa menatang hunky dory ni), and accept that at times, a spade needs to be called a spade and not 'terra mover'.
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