Raison D'Etre

I was trying to find a suitable entry to this post and I thought "raison d'etre" would fit the contents of this entry.

I have not written in this blog for ages.  I think of something that I thought would be interesting to write on and I could not find the right words to express that "something".

So my raison d'etre in these past few months have been the usual, juggling work and family, although there are times when I feel that I will drop one of the balls and then drop the rest of the balls in trying to catch that one ball.  

My mother's raison d'etre have always been her children.  She looks forward to us coming back to Paroi, cooks up a storm, preparing our favourite dishes and making sure the grandkids have their usual fare of fried chicken and beef with kicap, and as if eating there was not enough, packed us with leftovers so that we can have that for dinner!

When I was pregnant with my first, Munirah, I was not spared from morning sickness as every pregnancy book defines it, except mine was an all-day sickness.  And the only food I craved was my mother's cooking.  The two things that I craved the most were Mak's nasi lemak and sambal ikan bilis and gulai ikan baung masak lemak cili api with bacang.  She would cook, I would come over, and I would eat to my heart's content.  When pregnant with Harith, my mother was already 77, not as mobile as before, and instructs the maid to cook our favourite dishes.  The taste is never the same and as I write this, I know for a fact that those moments are forever etched in my memory but my mother's heydays are gone forever.

As for me, I have not been much of a daughter, letting my stubbornness and fear get into my relationship with my mother, and that to my mind is evidenced by the fact that I hardly call her, let alone visit her when her house is just a short drive away from Seremban 2 where I stay.

I blamed Mak for wanting to be doing things her way all the time without thinking that Mak is 78 and I should have more compassion to her given her age.

I blamed Mak for using the maid as a means for her independence without thinking that Mak too is like me, so set in her ways and dependence on her kids meant an imposition on her part.

I blamed Mak for always questioning my behaviour without realizing that my behaviour and attitude is questionable where my mother is concerned.

I blamed Mak when all this time I was the one to be blamed.

Yesterday, Mak's CT scan revealed the existence of many nodules on both lobes of her liver, and confirmed liver cancer at Stage 4.  I was informed by Kak Cik via a text message, and in the transition from one Board meeting to another, I was numb in reading the news update and my mind was transported to that day when Mak cried in packing my bags with food stuff as part of the preparation to leave for the US to study.

I tried to drown myself in my work but at the back of my mind is the guilt of so many years of not doing the right thing even though I wanted to.

Now I need to do the right thing for Mak and time is limited.