I hate myself for thinking like this

Was telling MrM about some work related issues that I have with this person and he tells me that it is all my fault. Don't expect him to lend a sympathetic ear on this because it was all my fault for encouraging it.

I certainly didn't want to hear that from my husband. I certainly didn't want him to say it was my fault even if it was my fault. I don't think he really knows how I feel right now. This despair of having too much on my plate and not having any energy to deal with it physically and to a certain extent, mentally. MrM sees only the surface but prefers to not deal with my emotional state.

I woke up at 5:00am today because he wants to reach office by 7am. Of course by the end of the day, I was tired and sleepy. I told him that I wanted to sleep in the car on the way back. He doesn't remember any of the kids' schedules and kept asking what time Zarif's Math tuition ends. I told him 6:30pm since it starts at 5:00pm. Then he asked again, just when I am about to doze off. Of course, I get upset and told him 6:30pm and yes, the driver will pick him (Zarif) up. And he goes "you don't have to be annoyed with every question" and says"tell me how annoyed you will be if I get agry with every single question you ask"

What was that all about? I didn't ask to be tired. I just am. You don't have to carry extra 12kg on you. You don't feel the baby's head pressing against my bladder and making me want to pee when you hardly drank anything. And I have to walk around the floor to get to the toilet. You don't know my anxiety over the C-section again for the 4th time. You hate to listen to my work problems.

I don't ask for much. Much as I hate myself for being like this, he certainly didn't have to add further to my problems. Mother's Day is a retailers' gimmick he says but I would certainly appreciate some assurance from him that with the guilt that I have, the mistakes that I have made, that our kids will turn out ok.

That is why women are different from men. Because the reality is we suffer this alone. No one really knows. And no one bothers to know. My insecurities, my triumphs, my sadness, my regrets, my proud moments, my pride, my worries are all for me to know myself, swallow, and still remain sane. Not even your life partner of 17 years.