Relationships and growing up

My eldest sister called me yesterday morning to ask whether I wanted the "ikan baung" to be grilled (salai or bakar) or just like that. Considering where she lived, I knew that grilling in the traditional sense, using coconut husks (sabut kelapa), has to be done outdoors and the nearest place would be my mother's. However, to avoid my mother's 1001 questions as to why the interest in cooking ikan baung all of a sudden and to not impose on my sister too much, plus the fact that I have always liked ikan baung just the way it is, I told Kak Mong that there is no need to.

Yeah....people....my mother does not know that I am pregnant. And I am still struggling to find the right time to tell her. My relationship with mother dearest has always been tumultous, to put it mildly, because first we are more alike than we are different. Second, at 42 I don't want to be subject to the provocation that I have been subjected to all this while. It is this provocation that has caused the relationship with my brothers and sisters to be strained at times. In retrospect, despite all those years, I seem to not have learnt my lessons where mother is concerned. In good times, when confiding in my mother, I still yearn to believe that my mother would always have my best interest at heart. And never have I learnt the lesson that what I tell her in confidence would be used as an ammunition for her to create provocation to other siblings.

This time around it all started when Zarif was circumcised in early November together with the thyroglossal cyst removal surgery. One of my sisters (54 years no less), on the way to Seremban to visit Zarif at the hospital, called mother to inform her about Zarif. I had not informed her since it is a sunat at the hospital under general anaesthetic, not a kenduri and in the old days of berarak keliling kampung. My mother apparently became upset of not knowing, not that there was such a good relationship between her and my kids, told my sister that just because she is old and of no use anymore and slammed down the phone on my sister who at that time just turned 54. 54 years old and your 76 year old mother still slams down the phone on you. What more a 42 year old like me and that was what exactly happened when I called her on Hari Raya Haji day, hoping to tell her of this pregnancy and also to tell her that I will not be coming home under the excuse of we committed to aqiqah and korban this year at the nearby surau.

Her response was "this is what you do to me" and slammed down the phone on me. I couldn't accept that and called back to say "what is wrong with you....and why do you put down the phone?" and in the midst of her expression of God knows what, I told my mother "eloklah mak buat macam ni..." and put down the phone on her instead.

That is why to this day I have not told her that I am pregnant and if telling her I will get a response like "eloklah, kau ado laki...", I'd rather not. I don't expect her to jump with joy at the prospect of the 24th grandchild but I don't want to deal with her state of not being happy with anything when I am dealing with fatigue, nausea and anxiety. That is my mother and much as a lot of people find it difficult to fathom this relationship with my mother, only I and perhaps my siblings, know what I am dealing with, more so in the past 25 years of my life.

Hence asking eldest sister to cook the ikan baung with bacang, which she cooked last night. So after sending kids for tuition and my husband's brother to PD, we rushed to Paroi to savour the creamy gulai, with bacang and just the right blend of santan, pedas and asam. My eldest sister, my other mother now.....