Taking stock

Here I am lamenting about the discomforts of this pregnancy, I forget to be grateful that God has planned and given to us His kurnia rezeki yang tidak disangka-sangka. Most of the time, I feel that I have not been a good enough mother to my first three. I guess it is that guilt conscience of not being there for them most of the time since I am a working mother.

MrM was just saying last Friday on the way home that he too has a lot of work stuff to finish and I agree with him that it is nearly impossible to have that concentration to complete work since we are usually dealing with work issues and meetings, meetings and meetings. While working during weekends does allow us to have uninterrupted time to complete whatever outstanding work, it does represent time away from kids that are already asleep by the time I got home last Tuesday at 10:40pm.

Therefore, my thinking goes that perhaps with this baby I will be able to begin again and with a bit more maturity at this age, I hope I will learn not to sweat the small stuff like I used to with the first three. Despite all the complaints of itchy breasts, morning sickness, nausea, fatigue, hunger pangs, I am looking forward to having this baby. I want to hold this little one, get into the routine of breast feeding, diaper changing (biar betul!), baby's first milestones, the works....so much that I was deliberating taking additional month unpaid leave to the paid two months maternity leave.

Working does have its advantages in that with both of our income we would (if we wanted to) be able to go for nice vacations, provide for education, accord our kids with shoes, clothes that they want (not necessarily expensive), convenience of having a driver and a maid, comforts of our home (yeah our electricity bill is bordering RM600 a month) etc. Although, I do contend that without all that, except for education, we probably would be as happy.

I just found out a friend from school has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She has started to blog her feelings here. God willing, she will overcome this. But inside, how does one feel when you are diagnosed? There are as many negative possibilities as they are positive ones. How does one be strong in facing their daily lives while the immune system wreaks havoc with chemo? I have seen my MIL in her suffering and while she knew she was not well, due to a terrible accident when MrM was 10, I don't think she comprehends what cancer was and could.

Things happen for a reason. Whether it is to take stock of our lives, to trigger to us to be mindful of what we do, how we do and why we do certain things in our lives, to be a better wife, parent, daughter, sister, to prioritize and make trade-offs, the reminders may be different but they all serve the same purpose. Sometime we are conscious of these reminders, most times we are not conscious at all.

In this rat race (God knows I do get and have been sucked into this) I always wished that I have the courage to leave work and pursue the things that I feel passionate about. For instance, writing, fitness, kids interests, books, travel, religion....not necessarily in that order and yes, some combination of those are possible.

Anyway, ramblings again. I think again the stress that I have been subjecting myself to prompted all that. Baby is moving rather actively today, a good sign.

On a lighter note, an office colleague told me if you stare at a particular baby photo every day during your pregnancy, chances are your baby will look like that baby photo you have been staring at. Look at the baby photo of this posting. Yeah...MrM is no Tom Cruise and I am no Katie Holmes, but our baby possibly can look like Suri Cruise, ha ha ha! A boy version, that is...